Polite way to say 'don't bother, it's fine'?

Pollycat

JayJay100 wrote: »

This is the exact situation that they're in. My stepson used to go out on Christmas Eve with his mates, and stay the night with us. We'd have breakfast together, open presents and then he'd be off to see his girlfriend, his mum, his nan and multiple relatives; we never had a problem with that, and counted ourselves as lucky that we saw him at all. I've never actually eaten a Christmas lunch with him, but the Christmas breakfast was a tradition, and I loved it. This year, times moved on and he's in a settled relationship; his girlfriend's definitely got an image of the 'perfect Christmas' and that's what she's trying to recreate.

I think the only thing she's going to create is a stress-filled day - for her and quite a few other people.

JayJay100

Alikay wrote: »

Does your "Christmas Day" have to be on 25th December, OP? Maybe you could have the Christmas dinner (or a second Christmas dinner) a day or two earlier or later. You can still do the whole turkey, board games, falling asleep in front of James Bond thing together.

It doesn't matter to me at all; I'm just glad to have some time off work, with the OH, and if we get to see my stepson, it's a bonus. My stepson's girlfriend is the one who seems to have a fixed image of how it 'should' be. She's very organised to the point of having lists, timings and spreadsheets, which explains why she was informing me of every change. My stepson called before and I asked if she's happy with the more relaxed approach; she isn't, but she's trying to be, so at least that's something.

JayJay100

Pollycat wrote: »

I think the only thing she's going to create is a stress-filled day - for her and quite a few other people.

You are so right! I think her family are used to it; it's quite a large family, so there has to be some organisation there and she seems to be the one that keeps everything ticking over. My stepson must drive her mad, and he's so laid back: opposites must attract!

Red-Squirrel_2

How did things go with your mum's party? Have I got the right poster?

clairec79

Could you explain to her that BREAKFAST is more the tradition for you - and invite them to either stay xmas eve or to come for a brunch rather than dinner

Pollycat

JayJay100 wrote: »

You are so right! I think her family are used to it; it's quite a large family, so there has to be some organisation there and she seems to be the one that keeps everything ticking over. My stepson must drive her mad, and he's so laid back: opposites must attract!

JayJay100 wrote: »

So far, we've changed our Christmas Day plans three times, to accommodate my stepson's girlfriend. Admittedly, her family life is complicated, as both of her parents have remarried, all of her grandparents are still around, and everyone expects to see her on Christmas Day. In addition, my stepson's mum has remarried, and he's expected to visit there too.

I've now received a fourth request to rearrange, and a little bit of 'I can't be bothered with this' is starting to creep in. I've tried saying to my stepson that he can happily miss us out, if it makes life easier for them, and we can catch up another time, but his girlfriend is adamant that it's our turn to have them over for Christmas dinner.

Anyone any ideas?

You see, what you are doing is allowing this girlfriend's family to dictate what you are doing at Christmas.

Clearly, her family are changing their plans so she then wants to fit in with what they are doing so she's messing up your plans.
You're at the bottom of the list in importance.

The girlfriend may be adamant that it's your turn to have them over for Christmas dinner (sounds a bit bossy to me but it may just be how I'm reading it) but surely the dinner is the biggest part of Christmas Day and so the girlfriend should fall in with your plans and arrange her other visits around that.

Have you decided what to do?

Pollycat wrote: »

What does your stepson's parent say?

moneyistooshorttomention

Fen1 wrote: »

I feel sorry for the girlfriend. She has an incredibly selfish family, pulling her this way and that. She's trying to please everyone, and it's still not enough. She must be at the end of her tether, being guilt tripped by everyone.
Unfortunately for her, the only way out of this for now and evermore, is for her to put her foot down. X on 24th, Y on 25th, Z on 26th... Then next year everyone moves on a day so the cycle goes round.
.

That sounds like a very logical suggestion.

I wonder if the girlfriend has even thought of that idea? I think I would be suggesting that to stepson - in case she hasnt.

After that - the ball is in her court as to whether she acts on it or no - but she's been told what is fair/logical. After that - you go along with the "Love to see you suggestion" in post 2.

JayJay100

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

How did things go with your mum's party? Have I got the right poster?

You have indeed. It was totally different to what I wanted it to be, but, in a way, it was even better. I know some of my mum's dancing friends to say hello to, but I haven't really spoken to them before, and they were such good company; full of fun and life and no petty arguments. Mum was chatting non-stop and had the biggest smile on her face. Six of the family turned up for the meal, after saying that they couldn't make it, but the venue just moved another table in and it was sorted out within minutes. I wasn't sure how many people were going to turn up to the evening part; the venue closed part of the room off, so we weren't rattling around in a massive space, but opened it up again when more family arrived. I thought that the things I'd arranged for the children would be wasted, but not so; the dancing friends were straight in there, dressing up, having their faces painted and photos taken. It was a really good laugh. Not so keen on arranging another one, though!

JayJay100

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

That sounds like a very logical suggestion.

I wonder if the girlfriend has even thought of that idea? I think I would be suggesting that to stepson - in case she hasnt.

After that - the ball is in her court as to whether she acts on it or no - but she's been told what is fair/logical. After that - you go along with the "Love to see you suggestion" in post 2.

It would be the most logical way forward, but I think logic is out of the window at the moment. My stepson's view is as long as he gets fed somewhere, he doesn't really care where.

Pollycat wrote: »

You see, what you are doing is allowing this girlfriend's family to dictate what you are doing at Christmas.

Clearly, her family are changing their plans so she then wants to fit in with what they are doing so she's messing up your plans.
You're at the bottom of the list in importance.

The girlfriend may be adamant that it's your turn to have them over for Christmas dinner (sounds a bit bossy to me but it may just be how I'm reading it) but surely the dinner is the biggest part of Christmas Day and so the girlfriend should fall in with your plans and arrange her other visits around that.

Have you decided what to do?

Partially my fault, as I said that I'd fit in with their plans, and I meant it at the time; it's easy for us to change our plans, as there's just the two of us, or occasionally four. It was the chopping and changing that I was getting exasperated with, but now that I've realised that she plans everything down to the minutest detail, I have a better understanding of it.

I don't think we're at the bottom of the list; I think she's just trying to do what she thinks other people, including my stepson, want to do, and to keep everyone happy. I'm not sure who said it, but I think they were spot on when they mentioned the Christmas advert idea of a perfect Christmas.

I've said that we're aiming to eat at about 2, and they're welcome to join us if they can make it, no problem if they can't, and there will be plenty left if they're after 2.

clairec79 wrote: »

Could you explain to her that BREAKFAST is more the tradition for you - and invite them to either stay xmas eve or to come for a brunch rather than dinner

That was the starting point, but she has a little brother who still believes in Father Christmas, and she wants to see him open his presents, while it's still magical for him.

getmore4less

his girlfriend is adamant that it's our turn to have them over for Christmas dinner.

how is she going to cope when it is her turn to have people over?