Polite way to say 'don't bother, it's fine'?

Tabbytabitha

JayJay100 wrote: »

So far, we've changed our Christmas Day plans three times, to accommodate my stepson's girlfriend. Admittedly, her family life is complicated, as both of her parents have remarried, all of her grandparents are still around, and everyone expects to see her on Christmas Day. In addition, my stepson's mum has remarried, and he's expected to visit there too.

I've now received a fourth request to rearrange, and a little bit of 'I can't be bothered with this' is starting to creep in. I've tried saying to my stepson that he can happily miss us out, if it makes life easier for them, and we can catch up another time, but his girlfriend is adamant that it's our turn to have them over for Christmas dinner.

Anyone any ideas?

I'd have knocked the whole thing on the head as soon as she expressed the last sentiment! How dare anybody (and not even a relative) insist on sticking their nose into your family's arrangements and make demands!

karcher

NeilCr wrote: »

Gosh. You do have a complicated family OP. So many dramas

I was thinking the same?!

Red-Squirrel_2

I think i’d rearrange. The fact that you already have several times suggests that it’s possible, and while I do sympathise with the ‘can’t be bothered again’ feeling, that means your stepson doesn’t get to see you or his dad and you and his dad don’t get to see him! It also kind that f gives the impression that they aren’t worth a little bit of inconvenience. If changing plans was hard or would impact others, I would feel differently. If she’s under pressure from other family members then if you are being easy going about it and not adding any more pressure she will probably be immensely grateful!

Just do what you need to this year, but when you see them i’d Just say something along the lines of how a better plan will have to be thought up for next year and that maybe the list of people they want to see has got too long now to be done all in one day.

Have a lovely Christmas whatever you end up doing!

Pollycat

What does your stepson's parent say?

If it were me, I wouldn't have rearranged 3 times, let alone be thinking about yet another.

miriamac

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

I'd have knocked the whole thing on the head as soon as she expressed the last sentiment! How dare anybody (and not even a relative) insist on sticking their nose into your family's arrangements and make demands!

I think the OP's son's girlfriend sits next to me at work!

She is also adamant that it's her in-laws' turn to have her and her partner over for Christmas dinner.

Not because she's selfish or feels entitled. She's trying to protect her partner's space and right to spend time with HIS family - while her own family are pulling her all ways.

I'm trying to teach her how to say 'no'!

onlyroz

Either set a time in stone for dinner and stick to it, or say that they're welcome to come round for mince pies later in the evening if they wish.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I know a couple where both sets of parents divorced and remarried; ie they have 4 sets of In Laws. One Christmas week was spent mostly in the car as they travelled round visiting all 4 to try and keep the peace. They said it was ridiculous and stayed at home the next year.

I think people have unrealistic expectations of the "perfect family Christmas", as depicted on endless supermarket ads.

JayJay100

miriamac wrote: »

I think the OP's son's girlfriend sits next to me at work!

She is also adamant that it's her in-laws' turn to have her and her partner over for Christmas dinner.

Not because she's selfish or feels entitled. She's trying to protect her partner's space and right to spend time with HIS family - while her own family are pulling her all ways.

I'm trying to teach her how to say 'no'!

Definitely an element of this in there. We met them for a quick coffee last night, and I was able to tell her face-to-face that it's absolutely fine if they can't make it on the actual day; there will be plenty of food, if they can. She admitted that she was worried about us spending Christmas alone, but eventually believed me when I said that just the two of us, or just the four of us, was my idea of absolute heaven.

We've left it with a rough time frame in place, and if they can't make it, they'll pop round on Boxing Day instead. I can tell that she's not 100% comfortable with that, as it goes against her organised life-style, but she's rolling with it, and that will do for me.

JayJay100

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I know a couple where both sets of parents divorced and remarried; ie they have 4 sets of In Laws. One Christmas week was spent mostly in the car as they travelled round visiting all 4 to try and keep the peace. They said it was ridiculous and stayed at home the next year.

I think people have unrealistic expectations of the "perfect family Christmas", as depicted on endless supermarket ads.

This is the exact situation that they're in. My stepson used to go out on Christmas Eve with his mates, and stay the night with us. We'd have breakfast together, open presents and then he'd be off to see his girlfriend, his mum, his nan and multiple relatives; we never had a problem with that, and counted ourselves as lucky that we saw him at all. I've never actually eaten a Christmas lunch with him, but the Christmas breakfast was a tradition, and I loved it. This year, times moved on and he's in a settled relationship; his girlfriend's definitely got an image of the 'perfect Christmas' and that's what she's trying to recreate.

Alikay

Does your "Christmas Day" have to be on 25th December, OP? Maybe you could have the Christmas dinner (or a second Christmas dinner) a day or two earlier or later. You can still do the whole turkey, board games, falling asleep in front of James Bond thing together.