Feeling confused

JayJay100

I was brought up, believing that my natural mother was dead. I never felt as though I missed out on anything, as I had a brilliant step mum, who I thought of as my mum, and called 'Mum'. She was the only mum-figure that I had, and I don't remember life without her.

A few months ago, a letter landed on the mat, from a firm of solicitors, informing me that my natural mother had died, and that I was included in the will. I also found out that I have two half sisters. The elder sister wants nothing to do with me; she's been bloody horrible actually, but I think that's because of the will, and I understand that she had no knowledge of my existence either. The younger one and I have been corresponding by e-mail; our e-mails are fairly guarded, but there are bits of humour starting to come through, and I think we could be quite similar in nature.

The problem I now have is that the more information that is coming to light, the more I'm feeling upset by it. My natural mother lived within a seven mile radius of me for all of her life. She must have known where I lived, as somehow the solicitor knew my married name and my address. I'm wondering if I ever met her, or spoke to her, without my knowledge. I woke up in the middle of the night with either a dream or a memory of a smiling lady in a pink scarf, giving me sweets in the park, and me being dragged away, with some shouting. My brain is also doing overtime on stupid things, such as in our wedding presents there was a Swarovski polar bear ornament, with no gift tag on it, and we never found out who it was from to thank them: polar bears are my favourite animal, could it have been from her? It's a really strange feeling, and I feel as though I'm almost grieving, but can you grieve for someone, or something that you never knew? I'm also feeling a little resentful that I missed out on having sisters.

I know it's a long shot, but has anyone been through anything similar? Or found family they didn't know they had?

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

You thought she was dead and now she is. Forget about it and move on.

JayJay100

Ronaldo_Mconaldo wrote: »

You thought she was dead and now she is. Forget about it and move on.

That was the plan, but it appears to be easier said than done.

Mojisola

JayJay100 wrote: »

It's a really strange feeling, and I feel as though I'm almost grieving, but can you grieve for someone, or something that you never knew? I'm also feeling a little resentful that I missed out on having sisters.

I know it's a long shot, but has anyone been through anything similar? Or found family they didn't know they had?

You can - and because it's all 'what ifs' it's very hard to deal with.

Knowing that your mother acknowledged you in her will shows that she still had feelings for you.

When she was in her 60s, a friend of mine found out that her 'sister' was really her mother and her 'mother' was her grandmother - this was after they had both died and it took her ages to come to terms with it because she couldn't talk it through with them.

She had had a happy childhood and she loved both of them but was completely thrown by the fact that they had both lied to her about the family relationships. She could understand how they might have felt it necessary when she was born because having an illegitimate child was socially frowned on but they kept up the subtefuge long after those attitudes had changed.

Give things time to settle - if you can build a good relationship with your sister, that will be a benefit of finding out the truth.

trailingspouse

Whoa, that's phenomenally harsh Ronald.

You learnt that she wasn't dead, even though all your life everyone who knew you (people you trusted) had told you that she was. And in the same breath that you discover that she wasn't dead all this time, you find out that she has now died.

Your emotions must be all over the place.

So, can we assume your step-family knew all along but have been lying to you? That's a tough one - are you able to ask them why they did this?

We can also assume that your birth mother knew where you were (or could have found out easily enough) but chose not to - sadly too late to ask her why that was. Do you get the feeling that she was watching you grow up, but not making contact? I would find that really hard to deal with.

As you talk about your step-mother, I'm assuming that she was married to your natural father? Are you able to have a conversation with him about all of this?

It's a shame that the older sister is struggling with this - it must have been quite a shock to her too, coupled with going through the grieving process herself.

I would seriously think about getting some counselling so that you can sort it all out in your head. A quick google found this - http://www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/ but there are probably other organisations who offer a similar service.

JayJay100

Mojisola wrote: »

You can - and because it's all 'what ifs' it's very hard to deal with.

Knowing that your mother acknowledged you in her will shows that she still had feelings for you.

When she was in her 60s, a friend of mine found out that her 'sister' was really her mother and her 'mother' was her grandmother - this was after they had both died and it took her ages to come to terms with it because she couldn't talk it through with them.

She had had a happy childhood and she loved both of them but was completely thrown by the fact that they had both lied to her about the family relationships. She could understand how they might have felt it necessary when she was born because having an illegitimate child was socially frowned on but they kept up the subtefuge long after those attitudes had changed.

Give things time to settle - if you can build a good relationship with your sister, that will be a benefit of finding out the truth.

Thank you, this really helps. You're right and it is the 'what if's' that are starting to creep in. I imagine that where subtefuge comes into play, it's difficult to know when the right time to come clean is, and the longer it goes on, the more difficult it is.

I hope I can build a good relationship with my sister; it would be a real bonus in an otherwise bit of a rubbish year.

cbrown372

This came up today with a guest on The Wright Stuff from a programme running now on I think W channel? Sorry can't remember the guest's name and don't get the channel on Freeview, its available on Sky and Virgin but check out The Wright Stuff from this morning if you can.

Same as you, the truth really affected this guy.

clairec79

I think it was Secrets in My Family on W - same up on a family history forum I'm on

pinkshoes

She is your biological history, so nothing will change that.

Perhaps the nice half sister will tell you a bit more about your biological mum, and you more learn some more about yourself.

People give up children for many reasons, so perhaps your mum felt someone else could offer you a better life? Perhaps she knew your adoptive mum? (Or vice versa...) Maybe it gave her some comfort living so close?

Lots of questions you may wish to find out, but will be reliant on people that might not want to help.

Go into it open minded.

JayJay100

trailingspouse wrote: »

Whoa, that's phenomenally harsh Ronald.

You learnt that she wasn't dead, even though all your life everyone who knew you (people you trusted) had told you that she was. And in the same breath that you discover that she wasn't dead all this time, you find out that she has now died.

Your emotions must be all over the place.

So, can we assume your step-family knew all along but have been lying to you? That's a tough one - are you able to ask them why they did this?

We can also assume that your birth mother knew where you were (or could have found out easily enough) but chose not to - sadly too late to ask her why that was. Do you get the feeling that she was watching you grow up, but not making contact? I would find that really hard to deal with.

As you talk about your step-mother, I'm assuming that she was married to your natural father? Are you able to have a conversation with him about all of this?

It's a shame that the older sister is struggling with this - it must have been quite a shock to her too, coupled with going through the grieving process herself.

I would seriously think about getting some counselling so that you can sort it all out in your head. A quick google found this - http://www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/ but there are probably other organisations who offer a similar service.

Do you know what, that's something else I'm struggling with; did anyone actually sit me down and tell me that my mother was dead, because I don't remember that conversation, if they did. I feel as though I've always known that she was dead, but was that my assumption? My life fitted into the 'mum, dad and me' mould, and I didn't question it any further. My natural mother was never referred to.

Emotions were absolutely fine at first; I was a bit shocked, but the delight to have sisters seemed to blot everything else out. I really do think that it's becoming harder, as I find out more information about her; realising she was so close, and for so long, but didn't make contact knocked me for six. There's an element of 'was she watching me grow up' mixed in there too. Perhaps it's all just making her 'real' for the first time.

Yes, my mum, well, step mum, was and still is married to my dad. I'm not sure why, but I don't feel that I can approach my dad, possibly because of the fear of opening up old wounds or upsetting him. Talking to mum is a possibility, though - I really hate the fact that I'm mentally correcting myself and saying 'step mum', as she always has been my mum.

I do feel sorry for the older sister: this must be one hell of a shock, as they appear to have had the usual family set up, and they lost their dad a few years ago too. At least I always knew that I had a different mum, even though I knew she was dead (sort of).

Thank you for the link; I will keep hold of that, just in case I need it.

JayJay100

cbrown372 wrote: »

This came up today with a guest on The Wright Stuff from a programme running now on I think W channel? Sorry can't remember the guest's name and don't get the channel on Freeview, its available on Sky and Virgin but check out The Wright Stuff from this morning if you can.

Same as you, the truth really affected this guy.

I'll try and track it down; thank you.

I can't say that I'm really affected by it, but bits and pieces are starting to creep in with each e-mail. Where I thought I could park it, for want of a better expression, and just concentrate on getting to know my sister, there are some questions starting to bubble up.