Feeling confused

JayJay100

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I think it could be wise to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that she didn't want to give you up but was forced to, hence the 'being dead'.

I grew up thinking my father was dead. Nope. When somebody she hadn't seen for years started talking about my father when I was six, we suddenly had to go and her answer when I asked her about it was 'He doesn't know, he's just making up stories'. When she finally admitted he was alive, she gave false information about his name. She just didn't want him to have contact with me. So my vague dream of a smiling blur and thinking 'that's my Daddy', followed by her yelling over my head at this person is very likely a real memory - especially when I was sent a scan of a very old black and white photo by my half brother a few years ago and the man in the photo is very obviously the same height, build and smile as the half remembered shape.

He died suddenly just a couple of months after she had admitted he was alive - I had found contact details for this person, but because she had deliberately misspelled his name, I had discounted him from the list of people to contact.


For that, and for other things, whilst he is dead - she is dead to me.


Anyhow, my point is that finding out about such things can reveal that people are not necessarily nice.

I think (hope) that I'm prepared for anything. One thing I do know is that they both went on to have long and happy marriages, which is something.

I can understand why she is dead to you.

Did you go on to have a good relationship with your half brother?

bagpussbear

Hi JayJay, I understand how you are feeling. I found myself in similar (sort of) circumstances earlier this year.

I tried to trace my biological father last year and found out he had died in 1996. With the help of my father in law, he managed to trace an uncle and then found out I had 3 half-brothers, all younger than me.

I made contact with one of the brothers and we chatted on the phone, nice chap and he seemed pleased (after the shock!) that I had made contact. However, when he told the other two brothers they had a sister, they were not happy. And unfortunately have refused to have anything to do with me.

From their perspective, I represent a secret that was hidden from them. Turns out, my biological father left their mother when the eldest was 8 and they hated him for it. And then I turn up years later and say hi, I'm your older sister! and of course it must have resurrected bad feelings again, the fact that their father kept me a secret from them for their childhood and young adult years.

Perhaps this older sister has similar issues, you coming onto the scene means a secret was hidden from them, and actually changes her perspective of how she sees her mum. Possibly.

I'm sorry this sister has been nasty and that is unfair, but remember this will be a massive shock to her too.

I hope you can have some sort of relationship with the other sister though.

So I just wanted to say it's totally understandable to feel all these emotions - you are grieving a life which 'could have been'.

What you must come to terms with at some point, is the fact that there will be questions that will never be answered for you. Hopefully some will by talking to your mum and your sister, but just be prepared there will be some stuff which won't make sense, and you'll never get an answer to.

It is what it is, at the end of the day.

lincroft1710

chelseablue wrote: »

I'm 34 and I have always thought my real father was 'unknown'
The couple of times I've asked my mum she told me she didn't know who he was (a 'one night stand' it'd be called these days)

They were called "one night stands" 34 years ago and quite common. Be grateful to your mother, many resultant pregnancies were terminated. She took the not easy decision and brought you into the world.

Leave the past in the past. Although the moral climate in the 1980s was far less severe than in the 1950s, there may have been very good reasons why your biological father could not be acknowledged.

hollydays

iammumtoone wrote: »

This afternoon is not the first time you have looked at those photos and your brain would be subconsciously looking for 'evidence'

My guess is its a dream, the brain does these things when you are trying to come to terms with something.

My mother died when I was young. I would dream that she wasn't dead she would tell me she faked her death and she had come home to us, they were so real. This went on for years I actually believed it at one point, and was waiting her return.

As others have said I suggest you ask for some counseling now, there will probably be a waiting list, if you put your name down now you will be receiving it at a time you will probably need it, rather than waiting until then and then have to wait. You can always cancel it when its your turn if at that point you really feel its unnecessary.

Oh,((( hugs ))

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

JayJay100 wrote: »

I think (hope) that I'm prepared for anything. One thing I do know is that they both went on to have long and happy marriages, which is something.

I can understand why she is dead to you.

Did you go on to have a good relationship with your half brother?

We're still in contact - he only found out about me at our father's funeral, as his Mum let the secret out at the end of a long and trying day. They'd never spoken of me because it upset him too much to risk having a small boy asking about a sister. Between the two of us we decided to not let the younger half sister know when we did make contact because she was a young teenager when it happened and never really got over losing her Dad - he apparently idolised and completely spoiled her (in the best possible way) :cool: - so we didn't want to disrupt all her ideas of her idyllic childhood/being Daddy's special little girl (myself and my half brother are wayyyy too close in age for it not to be noticed that he was being less than perfect).

At some point, we'll meet up, but he lives quite a long way away and it's never really been a good time, what with separations, babies, jobs and the like. I wouldn't want to cause any pain or trouble, as it isn't anybody else's fault this happened - and I think finding out about me at the time of the funeral means it's all interlinked with feelings of bereavement at a sudden, early death. It would have been much different had it been open and easy to maintain contact at the outset, but there is one person responsible for that not happening. And it wasn't our father, their mother or them at fault there.

chelseablue

lincroft1710 wrote: »

They were called "one night stands" 34 years ago and quite common. Be grateful to your mother, many resultant pregnancies were terminated. She took the not easy decision and brought you into the world.

Leave the past in the past. Although the moral climate in the 1980s was far less severe than in the 1950s, there may have been very good reasons why your biological father could not be acknowledged.

I wasn't the result of a one night stand, they were in a relationship.

I've just been fed a lie from my mum that she didn't know who my father was

JayJay100

bagpussbear wrote: »

Hi JayJay, I understand how you are feeling. I found myself in similar (sort of) circumstances earlier this year.

I tried to trace my biological father last year and found out he had died in 1996. With the help of my father in law, he managed to trace an uncle and then found out I had 3 half-brothers, all younger than me.

I made contact with one of the brothers and we chatted on the phone, nice chap and he seemed pleased (after the shock!) that I had made contact. However, when he told the other two brothers they had a sister, they were not happy. And unfortunately have refused to have anything to do with me.

From their perspective, I represent a secret that was hidden from them. Turns out, my biological father left their mother when the eldest was 8 and they hated him for it. And then I turn up years later and say hi, I'm your older sister! and of course it must have resurrected bad feelings again, the fact that their father kept me a secret from them for their childhood and young adult years.

Perhaps this older sister has similar issues, you coming onto the scene means a secret was hidden from them, and actually changes her perspective of how she sees her mum. Possibly.

I'm sorry this sister has been nasty and that is unfair, but remember this will be a massive shock to her too.

I hope you can have some sort of relationship with the other sister though.

So I just wanted to say it's totally understandable to feel all these emotions - you are grieving a life which 'could have been'.

What you must come to terms with at some point, is the fact that there will be questions that will never be answered for you. Hopefully some will by talking to your mum and your sister, but just be prepared there will be some stuff which won't make sense, and you'll never get an answer to.

It is what it is, at the end of the day.

I think you're spot on: their perfect world was not so perfect after all, and that can be hard to take. There's a slim chance that the elder sister will come round, but I suspect that if the younger sister and I maintain a relationship, it will be under the radar to a certain extent; the last thing I want to do upset the relationship between the two sisters. If I'm honest, I suspect that some of the animosity has been caused by me, as I questioned something to do with the will; her view, and she's made that view very clear, is that I should receive nothing.

I feel in better shape today. This year has been a horrible one, so my resilience is a little lower than usual. I think you're right again, though, and there will be many questions that I don't get an answer to.

hollydays

JayJay100 wrote: »

I think you're spot on: their perfect world was not so perfect after all, and that can be hard to take. There's a slim chance that the elder sister will come round, but I suspect that if the younger sister and I maintain a relationship, it will be under the radar to a certain extent; the last thing I want to do upset the relationship between the two sisters. If I'm honest, I suspect that some of the animosity has been caused by me, as I questioned something to do with the will; her view, and she's made that view very clear, is that I should receive nothing.

I feel in better shape today. This year has been a horrible one, so my resilience is a little lower than usual. I think you're right again, though, and there will be many questions that I don't get an answer to.

Your mum wanted you to be remembered in her will, and that’s your birthright.

The sister is having difficulty getting her head round the fact the money going to be split three ways instead of two but that’s her issue, and not her problem- it’s fact .

Money and wills can bring out the absolute worst in people- hold your head high- you’ve nothing to feel bad about.

Continue to conduct ourself with dignity and I’m sure your relationship with the one sister will grow.

My husband found out he had brother he didn’t know about , and his reaction was complete jealousy “ I’m my mums only son” type thing .
Didn’t want to meet him ( there’s no acccounting for people’s reactions and emotions can be complex)

JayJay100

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

We're still in contact - he only found out about me at our father's funeral, as his Mum let the secret out at the end of a long and trying day. They'd never spoken of me because it upset him too much to risk having a small boy asking about a sister. Between the two of us we decided to not let the younger half sister know when we did make contact because she was a young teenager when it happened and never really got over losing her Dad - he apparently idolised and completely spoiled her (in the best possible way) :cool: - so we didn't want to disrupt all her ideas of her idyllic childhood/being Daddy's special little girl (myself and my half brother are wayyyy too close in age for it not to be noticed that he was being less than perfect).

At some point, we'll meet up, but he lives quite a long way away and it's never really been a good time, what with separations, babies, jobs and the like. I wouldn't want to cause any pain or trouble, as it isn't anybody else's fault this happened - and I think finding out about me at the time of the funeral means it's all interlinked with feelings of bereavement at a sudden, early death. It would have been much different had it been open and easy to maintain contact at the outset, but there is one person responsible for that not happening. And it wasn't our father, their mother or them at fault there.

I think you're amazing. Just that.

JayJay100

chelseablue wrote: »

I wasn't the result of a one night stand, they were in a relationship.

I've just been fed a lie from my mum that she didn't know who my father was

This is such a tricky situation to be in. The break down of a relationship can carry so much pain and heartache that it stays with us for life, and we can't be objective about any situation involving that person.

I doubt this will be your situation, but I'm using it to illustrate a point. Many years ago, a group of us had been out and we'd been drinking. My friend was goading her boyfriend, because his ex was in the same pub. As we were walking home, she was goading, goading, goading, and he was not reacting in any way. Eventually, she flew at him, he pushed her away, and she tripped over her own feet and landed on her backside. He ended it there and then, and she was devastated. Some 30 years later, she still refers to him as the 'wife-beater', and 'the night he beat me up'. Her view of him is completely skewed and even though I've talked to her about it, she won't see it in any other way. This is a woman who is generally sensible and level-headed, but not over this. It's possible that your mum has been so hurt, she can't be objective over it.