Feeling confused

mrsskinto

Hi, I really can relate to how your feeling right now, although I am adopted. What I would say is that your father is probably at some point waiting for you to speak to him about your biological mother.

When I eventually plucked up the courage to speak to my mum and dad as I'd put it off for so long, as I didnt want to hurt them they were incredibly supportive, in fact my Mum said she felt relieved that she could tell me more about the background to my adoption.

Good luck x

JayJay100

chelseablue wrote: »

Your post really struck a chord with me, Similar has happened to me this year

I'm 34 and I have always thought my real father was 'unknown'
The couple of times I've asked my mum she told me she didn't know who he was (a 'one night stand' it'd be called these days)

I have recently found out that this is all a lie and most of my family do know who he is.

Unfortunately he died last year so I will never get the chance to meet him.

I do have a 'Dad', my mum met him when I was 3 so they've been together over 30 years. He is wonderful but I do feel so upset and angry about what has been kept from me all these years.

Especially as I wont ever be able to meet him

I can understand you feeling angry and upset; I'm not there yet, but it wouldn't surprise me if it happened.

Have you been able to find out any other information, or is it a wall of silence?

iammumtoone

I think you need to speak to your parents as others have said they may be expecting this conversion. Maybe text/phone them first and arrange a time to meet so they are prepared and its not just sprung on them, you have had time to think about what you want to say, give them them same opportunity. You could start by saying how much you love them and your mum will always be your mum, you don't want to upset them but you need to know, they will understand.

It is possible your birth mother did keep an eye on how you were getting on. I think the dream is just that, a dream your brain is working overtime. It is possible your birth mother could have sent you a wedding present but I doubt she have know what your favouite animal was.

Your birth mother would not have made contact with you as it was the right thing to do, the contact would have had to come from you, she would not have known you were not aware of her. Take comfort in the fact she didn't forget you, there is no point going over the what ifs. The fact her other daughters didn't know about you leads us to believe she was not as open about you as she could have been. Her husband may of been aware of you and maybe they decided together not to tell their children.

Your parents were in a difficult situation, you did not mention or ask about your birth mother. It would have been difficult for them to mention her as they would have no way of knowing if she wanted contact and to mention something to then find out you would be rejected would be a guilt they would have to bear.

You Dad will be able to fill in some of the gaps like how you came to live with him. I hope you find some peace and can connect with your sister it is a sad and difficult situation all round.

JayJay100

mrsskinto wrote: »

Hi, I really can relate to how your feeling right now, although I am adopted. What I would say is that your father is probably at some point waiting for you to speak to him about your biological mother.

When I eventually plucked up the courage to speak to my mum and dad as I'd put it off for so long, as I didnt want to hurt them they were incredibly supportive, in fact my Mum said she felt relieved that she could tell me more about the background to my adoption.

Good luck x

Thank you; it would be good if this was the case, but I doubt it will be.

Here's hoping that you got the right answers for you.

chelseablue

JayJay100 wrote: »

I can understand you feeling angry and upset; I'm not there yet, but it wouldn't surprise me if it happened.

Have you been able to find out any other information, or is it a wall of silence?

I've not spoken to my mum about it yet, so she doesn't actually know that I know

JayJay100

iammumtoone wrote: »

I think you need to speak to your parents as others have said they may be expecting this conversion. Maybe text/phone them first and arrange a time to meet so they are prepared and its not just sprung on them, you have had time to think about what you want to say, give them them same opportunity. You could start by saying how much you love them and your mum will always be your mum, you don't want to upset them but you need to know, they will understand.

It is possible your birth mother did keep an eye on how you were getting on. I think the dream is just that, a dream your brain is working overtime. It is possible your birth mother could have sent you a wedding present but I doubt she have know what your favouite animal was.

Your birth mother would not have made contact with you as it was the right thing to do, the contact would have had to come from you, she would not have known you were not aware of her. Take comfort in the fact she didn't forget you, there is no point going over the what ifs. The fact her other daughters didn't know about you leads us to believe she was not as open about you as she could have been. Her husband may of been aware of you and maybe they decided together not to tell their children.

Your parents were in a difficult situation, you did not mention or ask about your birth mother. It would have been difficult for them to mention her as they would have no way of knowing if she wanted contact and to mention something to then find out you would be rejected would be a guilt they would have to bear.

You Dad will be able to fill in some of the gaps like how you came to live with him. I hope you find some peace and can connect with your sister it is a sad and difficult situation all round.

I think I have a plan: I'm going to approach my mum first, as I'm pretty sure she'll have a good idea of what went on. It will also give me a rough idea of how my dad will take it.

I was thinking that the dream was just a dream, but when I was looking through photographs this afternoon, there's one of me in a pale blue anorak, which I don't remember having, but in my dream I'm wearing a pale blue anorak.

If only life was simple.

iammumtoone

JayJay100 wrote: »

I was thinking that the dream was just a dream, but when I was looking through photographs this afternoon, there's one of me in a pale blue anorak, which I don't remember having, but in my dream I'm wearing a pale blue anorak.

This afternoon is not the first time you have looked at those photos and your brain would be subconsciously looking for 'evidence'

My guess is its a dream, the brain does these things when you are trying to come to terms with something.

My mother died when I was young. I would dream that she wasn't dead she would tell me she faked her death and she had come home to us, they were so real. This went on for years I actually believed it at one point, and was waiting her return.

As others have said I suggest you ask for some counseling now, there will probably be a waiting list, if you put your name down now you will be receiving it at a time you will probably need it, rather than waiting until then and then have to wait. You can always cancel it when its your turn if at that point you really feel its unnecessary.

JayJay100

chelseablue wrote: »

I've not spoken to my mum about it yet, so she doesn't actually know that I know

I'm with you; it's a really tough decision to make.

JayJay100

iammumtoone wrote: »

This afternoon is not the first time you have looked at those photos and your brain would be subconsciously looking for 'evidence'

My guess is its a dream, the brain does these things when you are trying to come to terms with something.

My mother died when I was young. I would dream that she wasn't dead she would tell me she faked her death and she had come home to us, they were so real. This went on for years I actually believed it at one point, and was waiting her return.

As others have said I suggest you ask for some counseling now, there will probably be a waiting list, if you put your name down now you will be receiving it at a time you will probably need it, rather than waiting until then and then have to wait. You can always cancel it when its your turn if at that point you really feel its unnecessary.

Oh, that sounds like a terrible situation for you. I did something similar when my ex and I broke up; I would dream that we were still together, and everything would be fine when I woke up for a few seconds, and then the realisation would wash over me again. It's strange how the brain works.

I'm usually quite good at working things out for myself, and I have a wonderful friend, who is a counsellor, but if I can't bring some reason to the situation pretty quickly, I will get myself on the waiting list.

Thank you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I think it could be wise to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that she didn't want to give you up but was forced to, hence the 'being dead'.

I grew up thinking my father was dead. Nope. When somebody she hadn't seen for years started talking about my father when I was six, we suddenly had to go and her answer when I asked her about it was 'He doesn't know, he's just making up stories'. When she finally admitted he was alive, she gave false information about his name. She just didn't want him to have contact with me. So my vague dream of a smiling blur and thinking 'that's my Daddy', followed by her yelling over my head at this person is very likely a real memory - especially when I was sent a scan of a very old black and white photo by my half brother a few years ago and the man in the photo is very obviously the same height, build and smile as the half remembered shape.

He died suddenly just a couple of months after she had admitted he was alive - I had found contact details for this person, but because she had deliberately misspelled his name, I had discounted him from the list of people to contact.


For that, and for other things, whilst he is dead - she is dead to me.


Anyhow, my point is that finding out about such things can reveal that people are not necessarily nice.