Feeling confused

hazyjo

The world can be a complicated place


I was adopted so also have inklings as to how you feel, although different situations. I still know there's 'family' out there. It's weird. Like maybe I would have been a completely different person, which is hard for my brain to accept as it would still be the same mind living somewhere else with different people. Just weird.


My mate's husband found out in his 30s that his parents had actually adopted him and his natural parents were his rather brash loud party-going pub-owning aunt and uncle (who never had any more kids). Chalk and cheese compared to him! My mate actually struggled more to take it all in than her husband - he seemed to deal with it fine!


Another friend found out she had a sister who her mum had given up for adoption back in the '60s. Caused a lot of friction amongst the other siblings - some who accepted it and others who hated her. People's emotions can be weird - until you're in those shoes, you really don't know how you'll act and logic often goes out the window.


I hope you find a way to find some sort of peace or closure. I know my 'story' but there's this gaping hole there, like it's a past (or future) life that I've not lived. Nature and nurture are so hard to define - no way of proving what person I would have been or if my likes/dislikes would even be the same.


I would still be truly gutted and emotional to find out someone in my 'natural/birth' family had died. No regrets - I don't want to trace them or anything - but it's still a part of me. That's the choice I suppose you feel you have lost out on. tbh, you will never know if you'd have traced or looked into it deeper if you had known she was still alive.

JayJay100

hollydays wrote: »

Your mum wanted you to be remembered in her will, and that’s your birthright.

The sister is having difficulty getting her head round the fact the money going to be split three ways instead of two but that’s her issue, and not her problem- it’s fact .

Money and wills can bring out the absolute worst in people- hold your head high- you’ve nothing to feel bad about.

Continue to conduct ourself with dignity and I’m sure your relationship with the one sister will grow.

My husband found out he had brother he didn’t know about , and his reaction was complete jealousy “ I’m my mums only son” type thing .
Didn’t want to meet him ( there’s no acccounting for people’s reactions and emotions can be complex)

The money isn't even being split three ways; the sisters have a property each, and I've been left the residue of the estate, which appears to be a few hundred pounds, as supported by a single current account statement. I'm not bothered about the money, I just don't like to be taken for a fool. I'd be a lot happier if she'd left me a small, token item that meant something to her.

You're right; money does bring out the worst in people. And emotions are very complex indeed!

JayJay100

hazyjo wrote: »

The world can be a complicated place


I was adopted so also have inklings as to how you feel, although different situations. I still know there's 'family' out there. It's weird. Like maybe I would have been a completely different person, which is hard for my brain to accept as it would still be the same mind living somewhere else with different people. Just weird.


My mate's husband found out in his 30s that his parents had actually adopted him and his natural parents were his rather brash loud party-going pub-owning aunt and uncle (who never had any more kids). Chalk and cheese compared to him! My mate actually struggled more to take it all in than her husband - he seemed to deal with it fine!


Another friend found out she had a sister who her mum had given up for adoption back in the '60s. Caused a lot of friction amongst the other siblings - some who accepted it and others who hated her. People's emotions can be weird - until you're in those shoes, you really don't know how you'll act and logic often goes out the window.


I hope you find a way to find some sort of peace or closure. I know my 'story' but there's this gaping hole there, like it's a past (or future) life that I've not lived. Nature and nurture are so hard to define - no way of proving what person I would have been or if my likes/dislikes would even be the same.


I would still be truly gutted and emotional to find out someone in my 'natural/birth' family had died. No regrets - I don't want to trace them or anything - but it's still a part of me. That's the choice I suppose you feel you have lost out on. tbh, you will never know if you'd have traced or looked into it deeper if you had known she was still alive.

Thank you; there's a lot of things in there that I identify with. The more I talk to people, the more I'm realising how complicated families and extended families can be, once you scratch beneath the surface. There's quite a bit in my own family that I'd forgotten about.

I feel very lucky that I had such a wonderful mum, and I don't feel that I missed out on anything. I suspect that I'd feel a lot different if that relationship wasn't as strong as it is. I understand the 'different person' thing too, and there's a bit of that going on. I have to admit that I'm curious about a lot of things.

hollydays

JayJay100 wrote: »

The money isn't even being split three ways; the sisters have a property each, and I've been left the residue of the estate, which appears to be a few hundred pounds, as supported by a single current account statement. I'm not bothered about the money, I just don't like to be taken for a fool. I'd be a lot happier if she'd left me a small, token item that meant something to her.

You're right; money does bring out the worst in people. And emotions are very complex indeed!

Maybe I time, your sister will be able to Give you a personal item that belonged to your mum.

JayJay100

hollydays wrote: »

Maybe I time, your sister will be able to Give you a personal item that belonged to your mum.

That would be lovely, and I could be one step closer to it, as we've made a tentative agreement to meet up. She's also sent me a photo of herself; there's no family resemblance at all.

Helen2k8

JayJay100 wrote: »

That would be lovely, and I could be one step closer to it, as we've made a tentative agreement to meet up. She's also sent me a photo of herself; there's no family resemblance at all.

I don't want to bring more complications to the situation, but you might want to double-check that there is no doubt about you being related etc. In terms of mistaken identity; not anything malicious. It would be awful to go through all this (for everyone!) then find out something different.

FWIW, I think you're being incredibly level-headed and calm about the whole thing, and I hope you can all keep moving forward.

JayJay100

Helen2k8 wrote: »

I don't want to bring more complications to the situation, but you might want to double-check that there is no doubt about you being related etc. In terms of mistaken identity; not anything malicious. It would be awful to go through all this (for everyone!) then find out something different.

FWIW, I think you're being incredibly level-headed and calm about the whole thing, and I hope you can all keep moving forward.

I think we're definitely related; I have my birth certificate, with my mother's name on it, and that is the person who has now died. I'm also the map of my dad; my height, my colouring and my facial features are all from him.

Thank you; I can't say that I haven't had the odd wobble, because I have, but so far, so good. I'm lucky, because I did have a mum-figure, and she was (still is) incredible. It could be a different story if I'd missed out on that side of things.

Fireflyaway

No wonder you are confused. Its frustrating having unanswered questions too. Maybe your sister will be able to shed some more light on things.
My dad didn't know he had a brother. He was always told he was his uncle. The poor brother didn't know his ' sister' was actually his mum until he turned 21. He thought his grandparents were his parents! I thought I had a normal family and was so shocked by it. It happens more than you think. OK I'm rambling. I suppose maybe something's you will never find out but you were loved. Someone who loved you raised you and your birth mum didn't forget you.

jackyann

I have to run,so am just quickly posting this link: https://www.postadoptionrc.org/

I know many people have found them realy helpful in talking through feelings. They will listen to you, as they deal with allsorts of unconventional 'adoptions'

JayJay100

Met up with my mum yesterday, and we talked for hours. She's filled in a lot of the blanks for me. It's such a sad situation. My birth mum walked out when I was nine weeks old. I'm no expert, but it sounds as though it was un-diagnosed post natal depression.