Feeling confused

JayJay100

pinkshoes wrote: »

She is your biological history, so nothing will change that.

Perhaps the nice half sister will tell you a bit more about your biological mum, and you more learn some more about yourself.

People give up children for many reasons, so perhaps your mum felt someone else could offer you a better life? Perhaps she knew your adoptive mum? (Or vice versa...) Maybe it gave her some comfort living so close?

Lots of questions you may wish to find out, but will be reliant on people that might not want to help.

Go into it open minded.

This is playing on my mind, and I don't know why.

Mojisola

JayJay100 wrote: »

Yes, my mum, well, step mum, was and still is married to my dad.

I really hate the fact that I'm mentally correcting myself and saying 'step mum', as she always has been my mum.

It might well be that your father was able to give you a better home life than your birth mother could.

Your Mum is still your Mum!

Think of the woman who gave birth to you as your birth mother or genetic mother but the person who was there for you day in and day out as you were growing up is your Mum.

trailingspouse

I think your Dad wouldn't be at all surprised if you approached him about it. In fact, if he knows that you now know that she's recently died, he is likely expecting it.

And yes, old wounds will be opened, and he may well be upset - but the elephant in the room won't go away just because you ignore it.

I think for your own peace of mind, you have to at least try.

AubreyMac

JayJay100 wrote: »

Do you know what, that's something else I'm struggling with; did anyone actually sit me down and tell me that my mother was dead, because I don't remember that conversation, if they did. I feel as though I've always known that she was dead, but was that my assumption? My life fitted into the 'mum, dad and me' mould, and I didn't question it any further. My natural mother was never referred to.

You knew your step mum was your step mum though? If so, did you ask questions when you were younger?


One of my aunty (I have many as my dad is one in 10!) is now very ill and on her last legs. When I was growing up she had this best friend and they were always together but this friend moved further and further away over time and contact became less frequent.


Anyway, my aunty has always told this story about her friend - when they were young they travelled together to Italy for an adventure, it was meant to be for 6 months but they had such a good time they ended up staying nearly 2 years. One day my aunty revealed that they ended up staying that long because her best friend had an affair with a married catholic man and fell pregnant as a result. She had the baby (a boy) and the man and his wife raised him. They returned back here and nothing was ever mentioned again. My aunty made us swore to never mention it to her friend. EVER.


Well now that my aunty is very ill, she has delusions and gets people mixed up and talks about people in the past. She is now calling out the name of this baby boy and several family members are wondering whether she was the one who had the baby instead of her best friend.

Primrose

Ronaldo_Mconaldo wrote: »

You thought she was dead and now she is. Forget about it and move on.

I find that an incredibly insensitive comment to somebody who is wrestling with a disclosure that has the capacity to upset her life and all she believed that it was.

Your mother obviously never forgot about you. That she remembered you in her Will shows that. There will have been reasons why she could never make herself known to you. When you were adopted she may well have had to sign a non disclosure/no contact agreement, as your parent might have had to do. Don,t forget many years ago illigitimacy and adoption guidelines were very severe.

One can understand the elder sister’s reaction. She thought she had grown up as part of a “normal” family and now finds that she did not know her mother at all and probably feels totally betrayed by her too, as you may be doing but for a totally different reason.

I would take things steadily and gently with the younger sister with whom you are in touch. In time if you get to know each other better she may have photos and other stories she could share with you which will fill in gaps in the jigsaw.

I think your parents too now have some gaps that they must fill in before they pass away and share their knowledge.

You are obviously tortured by this whole revelation but if you are able to move forwards in a spirit of understanding you may in time find that this bombshell gives you a new sister, and possibly eventually two sisters as family in the more distant years ahead when your parents are dead.

Perhaps this is what your birth mother, in making out her Will in this way, ultimately hoped would happen but was unable in her lifetime for reasons currently not understood to facilitate.

Yiu appear to be an only child. Perhaps your parents did know your birth mother or more about her than they want to admit but were terrified of having to “share” your affections and loyalties with another family. Maybe they felt you three were an intimate small unit and they wanted to keep it that way. Something to explore with them perhaps, even if it involves a painful discussion..

JayJay100

Mojisola wrote: »

It might well be that your father was able to give you a better home life than your birth mother could.

Your Mum is still your Mum!

Think of the woman who gave birth to you as your birth mother or genetic mother but the person who was there for you day in and day out as you were growing up is your Mum.

That happened with my step son; the OH brought him up, once his ex wife had met someone new, who wanted her, but not her child. I think there were several years where he only saw his mum for a couple of times a year.

Yes, she is my mum, and always will be. She's one hell of a woman.

JayJay100

trailingspouse wrote: »

I think your Dad wouldn't be at all surprised if you approached him about it. In fact, if he knows that you now know that she's recently died, he is likely expecting it.

And yes, old wounds will be opened, and he may well be upset - but the elephant in the room won't go away just because you ignore it.

I think for your own peace of mind, you have to at least try.

I don't know if he does know that she's died; I haven't told him about the letter, or anything that has happened after.

The thought of upsetting him is not a pleasant one.

But I also think you're right, I do have to try.

JayJay100

AubreyMac wrote: »

You knew your step mum was your step mum though? If so, did you ask questions when you were younger?


One of my aunty (I have many as my dad is one in 10!) is now very ill and on her last legs. When I was growing up she had this best friend and they were always together but this friend moved further and further away over time and contact became less frequent.


Anyway, my aunty has always told this story about her friend - when they were young they travelled together to Italy for an adventure, it was meant to be for 6 months but they had such a good time they ended up staying nearly 2 years. One day my aunty revealed that they ended up staying that long because her best friend had an affair with a married catholic man and fell pregnant as a result. She had the baby (a boy) and the man and his wife raised him. They returned back here and nothing was ever mentioned again. My aunty made us swore to never mention it to her friend. EVER.


Well now that my aunty is very ill, she has delusions and gets people mixed up and talks about people in the past. She is now calling out the name of this baby boy and several family members are wondering whether she was the one who had the baby instead of her best friend.

Yes, I always knew that my mum was my step mum. I was even bridesmaid at their wedding, although I don't really remember it; the memories are driven by photographs, if that makes sense. As for the questions, I don't think I ever did, or if I did, I don't remember it. Looking back, I feel a bit foolish, but mum was mum, and was everything I needed.

Oh, your poor aunty! It could easily be that she was the one that had the baby. There was something similar in my dad's family, where there are four brothers, but one is actually a cousin. His mum was my nan's sister, and had an affair with a married man. My nan's sister never married, and I can just about remember her being at family do's, watching what was going on, and never joining in. We always thought she was a bid odd, but I think there must have been some serious heartache there. She wasn't very old when she died.

chelseablue

Your post really struck a chord with me, Similar has happened to me this year

I'm 34 and I have always thought my real father was 'unknown'
The couple of times I've asked my mum she told me she didn't know who he was (a 'one night stand' it'd be called these days)

I have recently found out that this is all a lie and most of my family do know who he is.

Unfortunately he died last year so I will never get the chance to meet him.

I do have a 'Dad', my mum met him when I was 3 so they've been together over 30 years. He is wonderful but I do feel so upset and angry about what has been kept from me all these years.

Especially as I wont ever be able to meet him

JayJay100

Primrose wrote: »

I find that an incredibly insensitive comment to somebody who is wrestling with a disclosure that has the capacity to upset her life and all she believed that it was.

Your mother obviously never forgot about you. That she remembered you in her Will shows that. There will have been reasons why she could never make herself known to you. When you were adopted she may well have had to sign a non disclosure/no contact agreement, as your parent might have had to do. Don,t forget many years ago illigitimacy and adoption guidelines were very severe.

One can understand the elder sister’s reaction. She thought she had grown up as part of a “normal” family and now finds that she did not know her mother at all and probably feels totally betrayed by her too, as you may be doing but for a totally different reason.

I would take things steadily and gently with the younger sister with whom you are in touch. In time if you get to know each other better she may have photos and other stories she could share with you which will fill in gaps in the jigsaw.

I think your parents too now have some gaps that they must fill in before they pass away and share their knowledge.

You are obviously tortured by this whole revelation but if you are able to move forwards in a spirit of understanding you may in time find that this bombshell gives you a new sister, and possibly eventually two sisters as family in the more distant years ahead when your parents are dead.

Perhaps this is what your birth mother, in making out her Will in this way, ultimately hoped would happen but was unable in her lifetime for reasons currently not understood to facilitate.

Yiu appear to be an only child. Perhaps your parents did know your birth mother or more about her than they want to admit but were terrified of having to “share” your affections and loyalties with another family. Maybe they felt you three were an intimate small unit and they wanted to keep it that way. Something to explore with them perhaps, even if it involves a painful discussion..

I'm sorry, I didn't make myself clear: my dad is my natural dad and has brought me up. He married my mum (step mum) when I was young, so I've always known my mum as my mum. I'm not adopted or illegitimate.

Yes, I do understand the elder sister's reaction, if not the nastiness that it's brought out. This isn't my fault, any more than it is hers. I'm hoping that the contact with younger sister will continue, and she has asked if I'd like to see a picture of my mother; I've said yes, but not just yet - I feel as though I need to get a bit more of an idea on how I feel first.

As much as I don't want to, I think I'm going to have to speak to mum and dad at some point. Not looking forward to that, one little bit!