i did it! Ive jsut become a single mum - HELP ME!!!!

Running_Horse

You might not like the facts, but I suggest you take a few minutes to read them:

http://www.civitas.org.uk/pubs/experiments.php

Like you I am the product of a single parent family, unlike you it took 20 years to undo the damage done by selfish parents, but you won't find me whining about it, because unlike the OP I don't live my life via the Internet.

This isn't the Jeremy Kyle show, its a message board, and when you ask total strangers to tell you how to live your life you won't always like what you hear. Tough.

Ophie

Again just because some statisticians have written a study about lone parents does not mean that they are the facts. Personally I have never been included in any survey so how can they possibly be representative of all children raised by single parents? If all lone families were included in a vast survey then the results would be conclusive - but how do you know that they chose a target group that represented society at large? If they chose a target group from a specific area that may have poor housing and a larger number of people claiming benefits then they are not going to be representational of the whole of the UK.

What those results said was that they are more likely, not that they will.

I sympathise with you that you may have had a very difficult time in your lone family, but surely condemning every lone family is not actually the right way to be either? My Mother was the most generous person I know, and remains that way now. I wish that in years to come as my child gets older I can maintain with her the relationship that I and my Mother have, and that I can also be as accomodating with my daughter as my Mother is/was with me.

Who mentioned Jeremy Kyle? I certainly didn't, and actually again I think that you have (by virtue of the fact you mentioned him) put single parents in the bracket of who would be likely to watch/end up on Jeremy Kyle. I am unsure if I whined in my previous post, merely pointed out the facts and merits of being brought up in a single parent environment... you 'whined' that it has taken you 20 years to undo damage caused to you, but you won't be found whining about it as you don't live your life via the internet. That is a whine!! You are also talking about your life on the internet therefore sharing it with others to learn from and take notice of (ok, you are faceless) I'm not entirely sure that anyone can live a life via the internet entirely there are some things that you have to do outside of the net.

I will not be contributing to this thread any more as I have said all I need to.

To those people in happy solid relationships - congratulations and to those in unhappy ones - do whats right for you and finally to lone parents (male and female)- good luck its hard, but you are to be commended as every parent is!

Ms_Piggy_2

Running_Horse wrote: »

I was pointing out that she cannot conveniently cut this man completely out of her life. He (and possibly his mum) have a legal right to see his son, as well as a legal obligation to support him financially. That relationship will continue for years, and any attempt to frustrate it will lead to unhappiness for all three concerned. Its a shame she did not take time to get to know this mans faults before taking the huge step of having his child.

It may not be PC to mention this, but every study carried out shows that, on average, children of single parents do worse than those of married couples (even those who stay together for the sake of the children). I am happy they are apparently making a go of it; a child does not deserve to suffer because its parents are emotionally immature.

ITA. That's *not* to say a woman (or man for that matter) should stay in an abusive relationship, but the FACTS are as stated above.

vix2000

Sorry, but I have to put my 2 pennerth in here. What a load of crap. My 2 girls have actually benefited from their waste of space fathers absence. One is at uni and the other lives in a lovely house in a lovely area with a gorgeous daughter and having brought them up myself I can say this is all without any emotional or financial imput from their father for the last 22 years. It was a struggle at times and we never had any money but I'd hardly say they have suffered or taken a nosedive in any aspect of their life.

mummy_Jay

As for some reason some posters have such a downer I'm sad to say on single mums and want to use stats here a quote from one of many of the university studies on single parenting

Mothers can be a positive influence in their children's lives, whether or not they are single parents. A new multiethnic study at Cornell University has found that being a single parent does not appear to have a negative effect on the behavior or educational performance of a mother's 12- and 13-year-old children.

What mattered most in this study, Cornell researcher Henry Ricciuti says, is a mother's education and ability level and, to a lesser extent, family income and quality of the home environment. He found consistent links between these maternal attributes and a child's school performance and behavior, whether the family was white, black or Hispanic.
"Over all, we find little or no evidence of systematic negative effects of single parenthood on children, regardless of how long they have lived with a single parent during the previous six years," says Ricciuti, who is professor emeritus of human development in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell.
"The findings suggest that in the presence of favorable maternal characteristics, such as education and positive child expectations, along with social resources supportive of parenting, single parenthood in and of itself need not to be a risk factor for a child's performance in mathematics, reading or vocabulary or for behavior problems," Ricciuti says. The study is a follow-up of children who were assessed when they were 6 and 7 years old. The first study, published in 1999, found that single parenthood did not affect young children's school readiness or social or behavioral problems.

I'm not saying all single parent homes are great but I think you have to look at the bigger picture, like broken homes, what happen prior, is the other parent a positive effect, is the parent single due to there partner dying, has the other partner ever been involved, is there fear in the relationship, is contact positive. Negative contact can be far more damaging that no contact to all concerned.
There are also quote a few studies that say that single mum bring up boys, bring up better balanced sons as they have more positive relationships with women and are more balanced, have better educational and job prospects.

The thing here to remember is stats are pointless every situation is different, every child is different, you can not judge whats best for one family by looking at what is happened to another, you have to look at the bigger picture.

Child needs to feel loved and safe, at the end of the day that is all that matters. A single parent family is no worse or better that a conventional family, it's just different.

Now please can people stop with the single parent knocking campaign, there is nothing wrong with being a single parent and it doesn't damage your kids

Running_Horse

If you saw someone abusing a child in the street would you walk by? Re-read the OP and tell me that child will not be damaged by the actions of his immature parents. The pair of them should be ashamed, not boasting on the Internet.

Sallys_Savings

uuummm just thought I'd pop in and say the couple are still together now as per another thread on this site.

Zara33

Sallys_Savings wrote: »

uuummm just thought I'd pop in and say the couple are still together now as per another thread on this site.

Kinda makes you wonder why the OP hasn't come back to this thread...to tell us all the good news :rolleyes:

mummy_Jay

Running_Horse wrote: »

If you saw someone abusing a child in the street would you walk by? Re-read the OP and tell me that child will not be damaged by the actions of his immature parents. The pair of them should be ashamed, not boasting on the Internet.

I also would never say that child should be stuck in the middle of adults arguing (or worse) in fact, that kind of behavour will have a bad effect on the child, I'd say that if there relationship was that unhealthy that it would be better for the child to out of the negative enviroment and the relationship to end. which most probably would be the mother taking the child and a single parent family being created, then the mother has the job or trying to reasure the child and make them feel safe and loved after leaving that type of relationship. The problem here isn't the fact she's a single mother, the problem is the damage from the relationship and no I don't think the other biological should automatically be given access, it should be decided on the individual case preferably by agreement but if the parents do not get along or fear is involved, access will damage the child. Some non residential parents do far more damage by having access than by walking away and never seeing their kids. And the residential parent can become one hell of a good parent by having to stand on their own but it's not always the case, every case is different. some case the child benfits from the breakup as the parents function better as friends than partners and the child get a better enviroment that benfits both parents.

I am sorry for you that your life has made you judge all single mothers so badly, in your eyes I must be a terrible person.

I read the OP on the thread and I see a woman who's world has turned on its head asking for help and worrying about her child and what would be best. I don't know what you read into this and may be you know more from other somewhere else but your statements have been general.

djdido2

Oh dont get me started on anyone who thinks that there life is more perfect, they have done better. I have been here a good while now and the carp that some people spout is just astonishing. The people who beleive that all single parents are chav scum need to get a life. To spend your time judging someone is just masking your own insecurities. There are many celebrities that have been single parents, yes they may have money but does that put them into the same category??????

I will debate till I am blue in the face on this subject, it makes me angry that people will stereotype and judge. GRRRRR!!!!!!!