Niece in meltdown

Red-Squirrel_2

Pollycat wrote: »

I really have to disagree with the bit in bold.
My stepdad - in my life from when I was about 7 - was the most amazing Dad in comparison to the selfish !!!!!! who was my 'bio parent'.

I think that post was referring to the fact that niece's mum is physically there, but not really checked in to her daughter or giving her much thought.

A stepdad can be much more of a dad than an absent or rubbish bio-dad, but can they make up for a mum like this one?

JayJay100

hollydays wrote: »

A mother’s who’s checking her husbands phone.
Makes you wonder what is going on in that family, perhaps something your niece can’t put a name to.
The stepfather sounds like a very decent man.
Abuse doesn’t just happen to women.

I think the checking the phone thing is the sound of chickens coming home to roost; they were both with other partners when they met, and they had an affair for quite some time before they made the break. I think my SIL is quite insecure in general, as a previous partner cheated on her; she was always accusing her husband of being up to no good, which is ironic when you think about it.

I do like the new husband. I'm very impressed with his depth of understanding for the situation, and the patience he is showing towards my niece. He was brutally honest about what was going on; both the good and the bad. I think there's a lot to be said for that.

chesky wrote: »

Don't write your niece off completely... She's got all the usual teenage problems which many on here can recognise. But they're obviously compounded by the behaviour of her mother and being compared to her won't help her. From what you say, you seemed to be fairly friendly with the original husband - the girl's father - so I wonder what his current role with his daughters is. It's odd that she came to you, rather than him.

No, I haven't written my niece off; she knows that I will always be there for her, but it will not be as easy to pull the wool over my eyes for a second time. Through her actions, she's forged an unlikely alliance between her stepdad and I, and I'm pretty certain that came to her as a bit of a shock.

Unfortunately, the first husband is working abroad for 9 months, to put him in a better position to buy a property when he returns. He's been caught in the rental trap for some time, where the cost of renting a 3-bedroomed property on a single wage, has made it impossible to save a decent deposit. He's already flown back twice in three months to deal with previous episodes.

hollydays

JayJay100 wrote: »

I think the checking the phone thing is the sound of chickens coming home to roost; they were both with other partners when they met, and they had an affair for quite some time before they made the break. I think my SIL is quite insecure in general, as a previous partner cheated on her; she was always accusing her husband of being up to no good, which is ironic when you think about it.

I do like the new husband. I'm very impressed with his depth of understanding for the situation, and the patience he is showing towards my niece. He was brutally honest about what was going on; both the good and the bad. I think there's a lot to be said for that.



No, I haven't written my niece off; she knows that I will always be there for her, but it will not be as easy to pull the wool over my eyes for a second time. Through her actions, she's forged an unlikely alliance between her stepdad and I, and I'm pretty certain that came to her as a bit of a shock.

Unfortunately, the first husband is working abroad for 9 months, to put him in a better position to buy a property when he returns. He's been caught in the rental trap for some time, where the cost of renting a 3-bedroomed property on a single wage, has made it impossible to save a decent deposit. He's already flown back twice in three months to deal with previous episodes.

Abusers are insecure.
It’s all about control .
i predict this young girl is going to spiral out of control.
You’d do well to lightly quiz her about her idea of what a bad relationship is.

JayJay100

hollydays wrote: »

Abusers are insecure.
It’s all about control .
i predict this young girl is going to spiral out of control.
You’d do well to lightly quiz her about her idea of what a bad relationship is.

Abusers are often insecure, but I don't think that everyone who is insecure is an abuser. My SIL is spinning a lot of plates, but my niece is going out of her way to make things difficult. Many of these issues have been going on, to a greater or lesser extent, since the breakdown of the marriage, so the spiral is a comparatively slow one; my niece did achieve good grades in the last bout of exams, so not everything has gone to pieces.

I don't need to quiz my niece on her idea of a bad relationship; she was very vocal about it, and also very opinionated. At the end of the day, she's still a kid that just wants her mum and dad to get back together, and is trying to achieve that in any way that she can.

Starrystarrynight1

'She added that she couldn't stand her stepdad and she wished he would leave, as life was much better when he wasn't around and she had all of mum's attention.'

I think this is where the problem starts. It's such a shame, as your nieces' stepdad sounds like a very thoughtful and generous man. A good relationship between the two of them might've helped to alleviate the pressure your niece feels from not having all of her mother's attention. As and when she grows up a bit, hopefully things will change, and she might also appreciate having such a supportive aunt!

JayJay100

Starrystarrynight1 wrote: »

'She added that she couldn't stand her stepdad and she wished he would leave, as life was much better when he wasn't around and she had all of mum's attention.'

I think this is where the problem starts. It's such a shame, as your nieces' stepdad sounds like a very thoughtful and generous man. A good relationship between the two of them might've helped to alleviate the pressure your niece feels from not having all of her mother's attention. As and when she grows up a bit, hopefully things will change, and she might also appreciate having such a supportive aunt!

I think she blames him for the breakdown of her parent's marriage; the reality is that they were both unhappy before, and had split up previously, when she was too young to remember. I think the stepdad is an amazing man; I only hope that one day she will see it for herself.