Niece in meltdown

GDB2222

JayJay100 wrote: »

My OH wouldn't give them anything. When his sister was trying to buy a house when she was younger, she couldn't get a mortgage, so he loaned her a substantial deposit. She made no attempt to pay it back, and didn't even say thank you.

But surely Financial help is the only help the family really needs? Involving the SS may possibly lead to the family being broken up.

I would certainly not turn away a niece of mine under these circumstances but it’s not really practical to take her in without her changing school.

balletshoes

So, today is Sunday.

Is it still half term for your niece, or is she due back in school tomorrow? I agree with others who have said, let her vent, let her rest, get clean, a good meal inside her, it will all help to calm her and arrange her thought process.

It sounds like she really was at breaking point when she called you OP. And maybe with a bit of distance and a bit of calm since then, she will be able to see a bit more clearly what she wants and what practical solution there may be for her, her siblings and her parents.

You've said you've seen flashes of temper, and that you think your niece is no angel in this situation - and that could well be true, teenagers can be irrational and think the world owes them everything. But she was in crisis, if she wasn't she wouldn't have called you. When she is calm, can you chat with her, ask her what the most important thing is, in her opinion, to resolve the family situation (for everyone, her, her sister, her brother, her mum, her stepdad). Listen to her, let her talk (go for a walk with her or a car ride, I often find its easier to really get someone to talk when they don't feel that the full focus of attention is directed at them). Then you may need to contact your SIL and give her the information, what she does with it is then in her court.

Honestly I'm on the fence with contacting social services, as I'm not 100% convinced about you having the full story yet about the "have to be out of the house from 8am to 8pm".

Red-Squirrel_2

GDB2222 wrote: »

But surely Financial help is the only help the family really needs?

Its not lack of money that's making the stepdad chuck them out of the house all day to give him peace and quiet!

Savvy_Sue

GDB2222 wrote: »

But surely Financial help is the only help the family really needs? Involving the SS may possibly lead to the family being broken up.

No. The family obviously needs help with parenting skills, because

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Its not lack of money that's making the stepdad chuck them out of the house all day to give him peace and quiet!

Even if his argument is that he needs peace and quiet to make money, it's not a solution. Without knowing what he does in order to support the family, why can't HE go and work in the local library / cafe etc?

JayJay100

Well, this wasn't the quiet weekend I was anticipating, and all I can say is that our niece is a proper little hard-faced madam.

I've had a really long call with her stepdad, and although most of what she's said is true, it's heavily slanted. Yes, they're in a two bed-roomed flat, but it's only while their house is being extended, so everyone can have a bedroom each, the girls can have their own lounge and a playroom for the younger child/children. Even in the flat, the older girls have a bedroom each, and mum, stepdad and little boy are sleeping in the lounge. Yes, she was asked to take the little boy out of the flat, so an unexpected conference call could take place, but she did it willingly, with £20 in her pocket to spend at the cafe, and she negotiated a late night pick up from her friend's house by way of thanks. She even bl**dy offered. Yes, she's thin and grubby, but that's because she's been sofa-surfing for a week, after a row over whether it was appropriate to smoke weed, ironically purchased with the £20 for looking after the little boy. Everything I levelled at him ( and I didn't pull my punches), was followed by a sigh, and an explanation. Oh, and that's why she hasn't got access to her bank account at the moment.

When I sat her down and questioned her again, she just nodded and shrugged; she even smirked at one point. As my OH said, she's played a blinder; there's no better way to wind her mum up than to come running to us, asking for help. I'm absolutely livid with her.

balletshoes

so, what exactly does your niece hope/expect will be the outcome of this weekend? Just to wind her mum up? If thats the reason for all of this, it sounds like she will be out on her own soon. Is that what she wants? Has she started planning for that?

Red-Squirrel_2

Not the way a happy and cared for 17 year old behaves, is it?

JayJay100

balletshoes wrote: »

so, what exactly does your niece hope/expect will be the outcome of this weekend? Just to wind her mum up? If thats the reason for all of this, it sounds like she will be out on her own soon. Is that what she wants? Has she started planning for that?

As livid as I am, if I step back from it, a lot of last night's emotion must have been real, or we've got a potential Oscar winning actress on our hands. She's veering between the hard-faced 'I don't care' and asking what her mum's said, which. sadly, is nothing. I think we're at the stage where she just wants her mum's attention, and she doesn't really care if that attention is for good or bad reasons.

JayJay100

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Not the way a happy and cared for 17 year old behaves, is it?

Before this, I would have said the same, but when her stepdad explained the lengths they've gone to, to keep her happy, and to compensate for wanting to extend their family, I'm not sure what else anyone could do. I've not had much to do with him before, but I was impressed with how calm he was; I can't say the same about me, especially when the call started.

balletshoes

Is there ongoing conflict between your niece and her mum, and has it been going on for a while? I'm just wondering why mum isn't communicating with you over this, rather than stepdad? Has mum just had enough, and finding it hard to cope, being pulled in different directions maybe? Perhaps she's worried herself too, that this will be another high-risk pregnancy?