Niece in meltdown

Mojisola

JayJay100 wrote: »

She did a fine job of perfecting the hard-faced look, until she saw her mum waiting by the door, and then she just crumpled; she hugged her mum as though she was never going to let her go, although it looked one-sided to me.

Poor girl - no wonder she's acting up. She's scared her Mum is going to die!

VintageHistorian

Must admit that this didn't turn out how I was expecting, but I'm glad it's nowhere near as bad as it was originally sounding!

SIL sounds like a real charmer. "Mind your own business" Does she think you should have just left her daughter at the station to get mugged or worse?

I wonder if some counselling would be good for your niece? If she's still got some issues from her Mum's previous birth then talking them out with a qualified professional might help her face the new baby a bit more calmly, and help her start to get over some of jealousy she's feeling towards her brother.

Savvy_Sue

Please don't let any sense of failure linger around you. You did well.

I'm not sure what chance your niece has got when her own mother deals with issues in such a childish way.

rpc

JayJay100 wrote: »

I received one text from SIL, telling me to mind my own business, and she wanted to nothing to do with either of us. I can't say I'm surprised, but I did do her trick: I didn't reply.

Pretty sure we know where the problems in that family lie... Sounds like unrequited love may be driving your niece's behaviour (and a step parent isn't really a proxy for your bio parent).

Well done you. Also seems like well done to SIL's husband (perhaps a dialogue you could keep open?)

JayJay100

Mojisola wrote: »

Poor girl - no wonder she's acting up. She's scared her Mum is going to die!

I do think that's a part of it, but I'm not certain if it's also a big, and very effective stick to beat them with. Apparently this pregnancy is no more risky than an average pregnancy, and the previous problems are unlikely to occur again. I'm not sure what else they can do, as they have even taken her to a doctor's appointment, for the doctor to confirm it.

JayJay100

VintageHistorian wrote: »

Must admit that this didn't turn out how I was expecting, but I'm glad it's nowhere near as bad as it was originally sounding!

SIL sounds like a real charmer. "Mind your own business" Does she think you should have just left her daughter at the station to get mugged or worse?

I wonder if some counselling would be good for your niece? If she's still got some issues from her Mum's previous birth then talking them out with a qualified professional might help her face the new baby a bit more calmly, and help her start to get over some of jealousy she's feeling towards her brother.

Me too! I'm still shocked at how believable she was, and although I had a little voice saying 'it can't be that bad', I didn't really know if it was saying it, because I didn't want it to be that bad.

SIL is a real charmer. I didn't have much chance to get to know her properly, as I hadn't been with my OH for long, when she walked out of her marriage. I quickly got a fair idea of what she was like, when she blew up over her ex husband staying with us. I have an even better idea now, as the OH went into quite a lot of detail about her last night. How they can be brother and sister is beyond me.

They have tried the counselling route, but each time it has been arranged, my niece has refused to go; the new husband went with her to one of the sessions, for moral support, and apparently she went in through the front door, and out through the fire exit. He picked her up at the appointed time, she told him how good it had been. He thought they'd made a bit of a breakthrough, until he received an invoice for the missed appointment; he'd given her the cash to pay, and she'd pocketed that.

JayJay100

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Please don't let any sense of failure linger around you. You did well.

I'm not sure what chance your niece has got when her own mother deals with issues in such a childish way.

Thank you. I feel better about things after a good night's sleep.

Yes, I'm worried about that. There is definitely a 'like mother, like daughter' vibe going on here.

rpc wrote: »

Pretty sure we know where the problems in that family lie... Sounds like unrequited love may be driving your niece's behaviour (and a step parent isn't really a proxy for your bio parent).

Well done you. Also seems like well done to SIL's husband (perhaps a dialogue you could keep open?)

I think you're right, but in the interests of fairness, my niece really isn't very lovable at the moment. She's definitely being listened to, and a lot of the things that are going on, such as the extension to the house, are being driven by her needs and wants. It must be a hellish situation if she is constantly telling her mum to get rid of the new husband and her brother to prove that you love her more; there was absolutely no shame or embarrassment when my niece was saying that to me.

I have a different view on the step parent thing; I have a stepmum who means far more to me than my bio mum ever did, and I'm very close to my stepson, but I do appreciate how lucky I am with that, and it's not the case for everyone.

Yes, I thought about keeping the dialogue open with the husband, but OH had advised me to careful on that; he's convinced that my SIL will be checking his phone, and I may get him trouble with her.

It is astounding how one person's behaviour can have such an impact on others.

hollydays

A mother’s who’s checking her husbands phone.
Makes you wonder what is going on in that family, perhaps something your niece can’t put a name to.
The stepfather sounds like a very decent man.
Abuse doesn’t just happen to women.

chesky

Don't write your niece off completely... She's got all the usual teenage problems which many on here can recognise. But they're obviously compounded by the behaviour of her mother and being compared to her won't help her. From what you say, you seemed to be fairly friendly with the original husband - the girl's father - so I wonder what his current role with his daughters is. It's odd that she came to you, rather than him.

Pollycat

rpc wrote: »

Pretty sure we know where the problems in that family lie... Sounds like unrequited love may be driving your niece's behaviour (and a step parent isn't really a proxy for your bio parent).

Well done you. Also seems like well done to SIL's husband (perhaps a dialogue you could keep open?)

I really have to disagree with the bit in bold.
My stepdad - in my life from when I was about 7 - was the most amazing Dad in comparison to the selfish !!!!!! who was my 'bio parent'.