Niece in meltdown

Red-Squirrel_2

JayJay100 wrote: »

I think it's both. Yes, they've spoken to her separately and together, but got no where. Her stepdad said that there have been three lots of counselling arranged, which she's agreed to, and then refused to go to, at the last minute.

Sounds like she's struggling then. It must be so hard for a teenager to come that close to losing their mum, and then for mum to put herself in the same situation and take that risk again so soon. I think its only natural for the teenager to feel that having a baby with stepdad is more important to mum than being around for her existing children with someone else.

POPPYOSCAR

JayJay100 wrote: »

Well, this wasn't the quiet weekend I was anticipating, and all I can say is that our niece is a proper little hard-faced madam.

I've had a really long call with her stepdad, and although most of what she's said is true, it's heavily slanted. Yes, they're in a two bed-roomed flat, but it's only while their house is being extended, so everyone can have a bedroom each, the girls can have their own lounge and a playroom for the younger child/children. Even in the flat, the older girls have a bedroom each, and mum, stepdad and little boy are sleeping in the lounge. Yes, she was asked to take the little boy out of the flat, so an unexpected conference call could take place, but she did it willingly, with £20 in her pocket to spend at the cafe, and she negotiated a late night pick up from her friend's house by way of thanks. She even bl**dy offered. Yes, she's thin and grubby, but that's because she's been sofa-surfing for a week, after a row over whether it was appropriate to smoke weed, ironically purchased with the £20 for looking after the little boy. Everything I levelled at him ( and I didn't pull my punches), was followed by a sigh, and an explanation. Oh, and that's why she hasn't got access to her bank account at the moment.

When I sat her down and questioned her again, she just nodded and shrugged; she even smirked at one point. As my OH said, she's played a blinder; there's no better way to wind her mum up than to come running to us, asking for help. I'm absolutely livid with her.

This does not surprise me and I expected as much.

I know a teenager who made out to everyone that she had to do all the housework and look after her baby step-sister 24/7.

The truth of it was she was asked to empty the dishwasher and mop the kitchen floor once a week for her pocket money.

She also asked if she could look after the baby at night by having her sleep with her.

Very different to her version.

Spendless

JayJay100 wrote: »

I've had less than 24 hours of this, and I don't know whether to laugh, cry or run around naked.

At least you've still got your sense of humour which is important to keep when dealing with teens. I've got a 17yo boy and they can be just as bad. I've yet to hear someone say 'I really enjoyed the teenage years' '

You are doing absolutely the right thing. Take her back. If you'd given her the money for the train then she could have either spent it/sold the ticket or got off elsewhere. Sorry you're going to have to spend several hours doing this though.

maman

I didn't find the thread until the story unfolded but I can't say I'm surprised by the truth of the situation.

When DH and I got together we had a DD each and took the conscious decision to have no more. Although we might have wanted a child between us we knew our DDs would suffer.

I think your niece's behaviour is reasonably typical for many teenagers.

It'll be interesting to hear how you get on taking her back. What I'd suggest going forward (assuming you don't want to keep away) is that you offer her and her sister the chance to come and visit you during school holidays to give everyone the chance of a break from the blended family.

Hopefully she'll work hard and pass her exams and go off to university next year and leave it all behind.

Savvy_Sue

JayJay100 wrote: »

According to my SIL, as she'd divorced him, the rest of the family were not allowed to have anything to do with him, and certainly not to help him in any way. My OH pointed out that we were helping her girls, but she didn't want to know that. This was on the phone, and I could hear her screaming from the next room. She basically told my OH that he'd have to choose between them, and never spoke to him again.

Well, looks like we know where the teenager gets her dramatic instincts from!

chesky

JayJay100 wrote: »

I never realised how much atmosphere a sulking teenager can create n.

Hah - take it you don't have one!

Tabbytabitha

JayJay100 wrote: »

This is quite a difficult one; she is a wonderful kid, very bright and hard-working, but quite sensitive. We live 150 miles or so from her school, and although in theory, she may be able to transfer to a local one to here, I don't think she would cope well with it, especially for the few months that she has left there. I also think she needs the support of her friends. Overall, she needs her mum, who is conspicuous by her absence.

balletshoes wrote: »

So, today is Sunday.

Is it still half term for your niece, or is she due back in school tomorrow? I agree with others who have said, let her vent, let her rest, get clean, a good meal inside her, it will all help to calm her and arrange her thought process.

It sounds like she really was at breaking point when she called you OP. And maybe with a bit of distance and a bit of calm since then, she will be able to see a bit more clearly what she wants and what practical solution there may be for her, her siblings and her parents.

You've said you've seen flashes of temper, and that you think your niece is no angel in this situation - and that could well be true, teenagers can be irrational and think the world owes them everything. But she was in crisis, if she wasn't she wouldn't have called you. When she is calm, can you chat with her, ask her what the most important thing is, in her opinion, to resolve the family situation (for everyone, her, her sister, her brother, her mum, her stepdad). Listen to her, let her talk (go for a walk with her or a car ride, I often find its easier to really get someone to talk when they don't feel that the full focus of attention is directed at them). Then you may need to contact your SIL and give her the information, what she does with it is then in her court.

Honestly I'm on the fence with contacting social services, as I'm not 100% convinced about you having the full story yet about the "have to be out of the house from 8am to 8pm".

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Not the way a happy and cared for 17 year old behaves, is it?

Not atypical for a lot of kids of that age, IME.

JayJay100

chesky wrote: »

Hah - take it you don't have one!

I have a stepson, who is in his early 20s now. We've had no trouble with him, but he's like his dad; so laid back, that very little fazes him. I don't remember any moods or sulks, or maybe there were, and they were so traumatic, I've blocked them out!

kelpie35 wrote: »

Hope you all have a safe journey there and back.

I think you and your OH are very caring people and have coped with the situation you were put in in an admiral way.

Thank you. I will put a post on explaining how it went, as soon as I have a proper break. Thank you too for your kind words; part of me feels as though I failed, but I can't put my finger one why.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Sounds like she's struggling then. It must be so hard for a teenager to come that close to losing their mum, and then for mum to put herself in the same situation and take that risk again so soon. I think its only natural for the teenager to feel that having a baby with stepdad is more important to mum than being around for her existing children with someone else.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this. It is difficult for all of them.

JayJay100

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

This does not surprise me and I expected as much.

I know a teenager who made out to everyone that she had to do all the housework and look after her baby step-sister 24/7.

The truth of it was she was asked to empty the dishwasher and mop the kitchen floor once a week for her pocket money.

She also asked if she could look after the baby at night by having her sleep with her.

Very different to her version.

This is very reassuring: thank you. It's always good to know that others have been through something similar.

JayJay100

The trip to take my niece home was uneventful, apart from one half-hearted request to be dropped at a friend's house instead; there was no argument when I refused. When we got to the flat, it was the new husband who came out to meet her, and who carried her bags. She did a fine job of perfecting the hard-faced look, until she saw her mum waiting by the door, and then she just crumpled; she hugged her mum as though she was never going to let her go, although it looked one-sided to me. My SIL didn't come to the car, and my OH stayed in the car, so there was no contact between them.

The husband invited me into the flat, and when I said no, it's ok, he said he'd prefer me to see it, to put my mind at rest. It's quite a nice size flat; a little cramped, because of packing boxes lined up against one wall, and there were a lot of children's toys, but it was clean and warm. My younger niece was there, and seems to be happy enough. The little boy is a gorgeous, happy little thing, and went straight to my older niece,with his arms out-stretched. Just for a second, I thought she was going to ignore him, but she did pick him up and hug him.

The husband also took us to see the house, as it was on the way back to the motorway, but I think it was also to prove that there still was a house. I have a bit of house envy going on. It's going to be amazing when it's finished, and they should be back in there within a month. There was one funny moment when I was following the husband up the path, and I thought of the Corrie story-line, with Andy in the cellar; just as I stepped into the house, my OH whispered 'Phelan' in my ear.

The trip back was fun! We had the music playing very loud (for us), and we stopped off to eat junk food at the services and buy lots of chocolate (how much?). It was like going back in time, so in a way, I think this whole thing has brought the OH and I closer together.

All in all, I think it went as well as it could have done. I received some lovely texts from the husband last night, thanking us both for everything. I said that if they ever needed a break, I'd happily take both the girls for a weekend, and we could perhaps meet at a half-way point, to cut down on the driving. The husband text with a couple of updates today, and everything seems to have settled down for now.

I received one text from SIL, telling me to mind my own business, and she wanted to nothing to do with either of us. I can't say I'm surprised, but I did do her trick: I didn't reply.