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Niece in meltdown
JayJay100
Posts: 249 Forumite
Bit of background required here.
Seven years ago, my sister-in-law walked out on her marriage, with no warning, taking her two children with her, and moving 150 miles away. She'd been having an affair, and he walked out on his marriage too, but left his children behind. At the time, and there was a great deal of fall-out from it.
They've made a proper go of it, are now married, and have had a further child together. My sister-in-law nearly died having this child, and both she and the baby were in hospital for a number of weeks. We are talking 'family called to the bedside' point, as they didn't think she was going to make it.
Fast-forward to now. Last night I received a hysterical phone call from my eldest niece, asking me to pick her up from the railway station. I was so shocked when I got there; she's painfully thin, and quite frankly, dirty. Her clothes were in a bin bag. She eventually told me that my sister-in-law is pregnant again, and she's terrified that her mum is going to die this time. The baby is due right before my niece's exams. Not only that, but they've lost the house they're were living in, and are now living in a tiny two bedroom flat. Things are so tight for them, my sister-in-law has emptied the children's bank accounts to pay the bills. The new husband is working from home, and my nieces are expected to be out of the flat between 8 o'clock in the morning and 8 o'clock at night, so he can work in peace. Quite often, they have to take their little brother with them. There are many rows between my sister-in-law and her husband, and she is constantly accusing him of having an affair.
I text my sister-in-law to try and find out what is going on, but she stone-walled me completely. I told her that her daughter is incredibly upset and needs her mum, but there was no reply. My OH is sympathetic towards our niece, and has even given me quite a lot of money to take her shopping for new clothes today, but he's refused to speak to his sister: I understand, as their relationship broke down a number of years ago.
I'm really not sure what to do next.
Seven years ago, my sister-in-law walked out on her marriage, with no warning, taking her two children with her, and moving 150 miles away. She'd been having an affair, and he walked out on his marriage too, but left his children behind. At the time, and there was a great deal of fall-out from it.
They've made a proper go of it, are now married, and have had a further child together. My sister-in-law nearly died having this child, and both she and the baby were in hospital for a number of weeks. We are talking 'family called to the bedside' point, as they didn't think she was going to make it.
Fast-forward to now. Last night I received a hysterical phone call from my eldest niece, asking me to pick her up from the railway station. I was so shocked when I got there; she's painfully thin, and quite frankly, dirty. Her clothes were in a bin bag. She eventually told me that my sister-in-law is pregnant again, and she's terrified that her mum is going to die this time. The baby is due right before my niece's exams. Not only that, but they've lost the house they're were living in, and are now living in a tiny two bedroom flat. Things are so tight for them, my sister-in-law has emptied the children's bank accounts to pay the bills. The new husband is working from home, and my nieces are expected to be out of the flat between 8 o'clock in the morning and 8 o'clock at night, so he can work in peace. Quite often, they have to take their little brother with them. There are many rows between my sister-in-law and her husband, and she is constantly accusing him of having an affair.
I text my sister-in-law to try and find out what is going on, but she stone-walled me completely. I told her that her daughter is incredibly upset and needs her mum, but there was no reply. My OH is sympathetic towards our niece, and has even given me quite a lot of money to take her shopping for new clothes today, but he's refused to speak to his sister: I understand, as their relationship broke down a number of years ago.
I'm really not sure what to do next.
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Comments
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How much money can you afford to give them?No reliance should be placed on the above! Absolutely none, do you hear?0
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Is it practical or possible for your niece to live with you for a while?This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0
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How old are the girls? Can you manage to take them in? If not, it may be as a last resort, that you'll have to get social services involved. If the situation. Is as bad as you say it is, they obviously can't remain.0
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Is it practical or possible for your niece to live with you for a while?
This is quite a difficult one; she is a wonderful kid, very bright and hard-working, but quite sensitive. We live 150 miles or so from her school, and although in theory, she may be able to transfer to a local one to here, I don't think she would cope well with it, especially for the few months that she has left there. I also think she needs the support of her friends. Overall, she needs her mum, who is conspicuous by her absence.0 -
How old is your niece?0
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How old are the girls? Can you manage to take them in? If not, it may be as a last resort, that you'll have to get social services involved. If the situation. Is as bad as you say it is, they obviously can't remain.
The eldest turned 17 at the end of July, and I think the younger is about 14, so not little, but quite young in their ways. If we lived closer, on one hand, I'd take them in like a shot, but the OH is already saying don't get involved, you'll only get burned.
The other problem that I've got is I'm dealing with a very upset teenager, so although her feelings are very real, and obviously raw, there could be fair bit of exaggeration going on. I can remember how everything was the end of the world at that age. It would help if her bl**dy mother would talk to me.0 -
pmlindyloo wrote: »How old is your niece?
She turned 17 at the end of July, but seems to be younger than 17, and is quite sensitive. When I was sorting her clothes out to wash last night, she's brought some cuddly toys with her, too.0 -
Personally I do no think you should be dealing with this alone.
It is very difficult to work out what is the truth and what is exaggeration especially since you are 'family'.
To some extent you OH is correct and you need to take a step back. At the same time you cannot ignore the situation if you think some kind of abuse is going on.
Since your niece is over 16 then she can leave home without her parents' consent. However, what prompted her to ring you in the first place as from what your niece has said this seems to have been going on for some time?
I would persuade your niece to contact Childline in the first instance. This is entirely confidential.
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/your-rights/your-rights/0 -
I think your OH should ideally stop and think that although theyre mum did wrong by him and you its no reason to tarnish his neice with that nagativity and put those feelings to one side for the sake of dealing with his neice who needs both your help here.
The mum probably aint talking to you out of embarressment and probably through fear that no matter what she says she isnt going to be believed anyway, so why try as tensions are there between you OH and her.
Your neice is 17 and being honest, Is this really a situation you need to take over in or can you emotionally support neice and stay out of things between her and her mum and let them both get on with trying to repair their relationship?
I understand she she needs some essentials, like clothes etc, but thats as far as i would let it go i would draw the line at that and not provide any "niceties" out of the cash even if you wanted her to have them.
I would provide a shoulder to cry on an alternative point of view on her way of thinking the situation is, give a bed to lay in, and a warm food in her belly and let her work out the rest, i would encourage the school to send her course work, inform the education department things are frayed at home and that she is with you for the time being till things settle down and thus the reason for abscence.0
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