can 'space' really help?
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The weekend before you get the kids sounds like a good point to send ONE message of some kind, saying you are thinking of her and won't contact her again during kids' week. Then you've got your "I'm still here" without the implication that you know best about what level of communication she needs.
If I were in her shoes, and I got flowers, I'd be more annoyed that I hadn't been listened to, and then I'd be waiting for the next message, the next call, the next demand for attention.
If I got a week no contact, then one message with actual boundaries (the "I won't contact you again for x amount of time") then that would tell me that I am being heard but not abandoned.0 -
I am the same as you and like to talk problems through and like reassurance. It sounds to me like she does really love you and that she doesn't feel bad about your relationship but just herself. Maybe she needs time alone just to have space and when she is ready to talk, she will come back to you. Sometimes, space is good but don't let it go on for too long or you will eventually drift away. I think she has maybe had a hard time with illness and therapy and just needs time alone to find herself again.
I hope everything works out for you both.0 -
The weekend before you get the kids sounds like a good point to send ONE message of some kind, saying you are thinking of her and won't contact her again during kids' week. Then you've got your "I'm still here" without the implication that you know best about what level of communication she needs.
If I were in her shoes, and I got flowers, I'd be more annoyed that I hadn't been listened to, and then I'd be waiting for the next message, the next call, the next demand for attention.
If I got a week no contact, then one message with actual boundaries (the "I won't contact you again for x amount of time") then that would tell me that I am being heard but not abandoned.
thank you for wording it like that, that makes a lot of sense. i will not do that.
next dilemma - i know she has a job interview, and her eldest is getting their 11+ results both on Thursday, do you think a message to say good luck in the interview and hope X gets the results you are after. would be too much?
it just feels wrong to by pass a couple of big events that i know about, without at least acknowledging them.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
She asked you to back off. I'd back off. She will contact you if and when she is ready.0
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Firstly, do you plan for your relationship to always be a week non week off and never live together? I know its practical but is that what you want long term? Maybe this is a crossroads? It doesn't seem like a sustainable thing long term. Maybe that's dawned on her?
Either way its unfair to leave you hanging. You appear to have been patient and understanding but you can't just sit and wait for her to call the shots as and when she feels like it.
In this circumstance I'd write a letter. Explain you care, but need to know what the future holds because you can't live in limbo. Don't text or call just wait for a reply.0 -
thank you for wording it like that, that makes a lot of sense. i will not do that.
next dilemma - i know she has a job interview, and her eldest is getting their 11+ results both on Thursday, do you think a message to say good luck in the interview and hope X gets the results you are after. would be too much?
it just feels wrong to by pass a couple of big events that i know about, without at least acknowledging them.
I would put something like this, if there's a decent reason (e.g. the job interview or the 11+)
"Hi __, totally respect what you asked me to do, but I know you've had a lot on today, just wanted to let you know I was rooting for you today and hope the interview went well. Also hope A & B got the results they wanted and you can all celebrate some good news. Let me know if you want to have a catch up after the 'kids week' (whatever you refer to it as)" - then leave it at that.
The ball is in her court firmly, but you have opened up a bit and shown support.0 -
thank you for wording it like that, that makes a lot of sense. i will not do that.
next dilemma - i know she has a job interview, and her eldest is getting their 11+ results both on Thursday, do you think a message to say good luck in the interview and hope X gets the results you are after. would be too much?
it just feels wrong to by pass a couple of big events that i know about, without at least acknowledging them.
Perhaps make that your message-with-boundaries, keep it to the point, and make it clear that you won't message again until a certain point.0 -
Fireflyaway wrote: »Firstly, do you plan for your relationship to always be a week non week off and never live together? I know its practical but is that what you want long term? Maybe this is a crossroads? It doesn't seem like a sustainable thing long term. Maybe that's dawned on her?
Either way its unfair to leave you hanging. You appear to have been patient and understanding but you can't just sit and wait for her to call the shots as and when she feels like it.
In this circumstance I'd write a letter. Explain you care, but need to know what the future holds because you can't live in limbo. Don't text or call just wait for a reply.
i would not expect the situation to be like it forever and ever. but as they say, if its not broken dont fix it!
it works, and we have not discussed the long term, because a lot will depend on the kids, and where they end up going to secondary school, and which parent they all decide they want to live with most once they are teenagers etc etc.
and your guess is as good as any other on what has pushed this change, especially as she wont talk to me about it.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
just want to say thanks to everyone who has posted, probably stopped me doing something stupid like driving around to hers last night, which had been on my mind since i will be unable to see her to sort this out now we have our kids with us, and i want to sort this. but realised that doing something like that would probably have made her finish things.
anyways another day, feel a little better in myself, not going as crazy with my own mind and starting to get on with my own stuff, plenty of things to do this weekend with my daughter so should hopefully keep me busy and distracted.
i will be sending her a good luck message tomorrow morning (if she hasnt been in contact before then - although not expecting anything) but going to keep it short and simple.
otherwise thinking on the line in the sand idea for how long I will leave things and i think i will do this.Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
The problem with situations like this is if you just roll over and let her call all the shots, it is likely she will do it again in the future in other ways. Sometimes people are just complicated and not worth the drama ... personally i would walk away without any further contact instigated by you ... with your dignity. If she wants/cares/loves you she will contact you ... however i would be very cautious about returning too quickly0
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