Finally Debt Free After 34 Years, But Still Need to Live Frugally

GlendaSugarbean

Just wanted to reiterate that your SD is being very insensitive. We lost Mum nearly two years ago, and Dad has just booked his first holiday away with friends. I'm so happy for him, but it was still a bit of a shock. And that's after two years.

I think you are being very sensible to take a step back. Confronting him isn't going to change his behaviour if he's in a happily besotted phase, and being with them is just hurting you. Time to look after yourself, and concentrate on your shiny new job (def do the pension, it's free money).

sashybo

HH, I've not been around for a few days so had 10 pages to catch up on your diary. :eek::rotfl:

Big congrats on getting the job. :j:j:beer::beer::T:T I'm sure it will be good for you in lots of ways.

Sorry to hear about your stepdad, that sounds like a horrible situation for you. You're definitely right to take a step back.

elizabethhull

Some men can be surprisingly dense when it comes to personal relationships ie if step-dad is happy obviously you must be happy for him.
Well, I entirely understand that at the moment you're not. It doesn't mean there won't come a time when you can accept another person in his life as normal and perhaps even welcome it, but for you this is way way too soon. I think we all sympathise with your reaction - one's Mum is so special, and yours sounds to have been a lovely lady.

Whether you step back, confront, or get OH to say something, we're all here supporting your choice and understanding the intense feelings behind it.

I also feel it is important to get into the habit of saving and contributing to your pension. The pension will be so welcome when the time comes, and if it's deducted at source you won't miss it. I know it seems like there are a lot of claims on this money before you've even got any (!), but it's a question of good habits. Even tiny savings build up.

HairyHandofDartmoor

carbootcrazy wrote: »

Welcome back, Daisy:beer:. You mentioned that you were going away and I intended to wish you 'bon voyage' before you left. Sadly, as so many things that I intend to do RL intervened and you'd already 'disappeared' before I got round to it:o. Great news that you had a good time:j


HH I feel so upset on your behalf over the ordeal that you had to endure yesterday. And I don't think 'ordeal' is too strong a word for it. As a matter of interest, how old are your Stepdad and his lady friend?


I know you are such a truly good-hearted person and family means so much to you, HH:A, but the fact Stepdad is being so blatant about introducing his 'friend' into the family circle so soon is because he thinks you'll all accept it. He obviously hasn't received the message that it's still too soon. He's blinkered, as has been said already, but if you never mentioned to him that it would be upsetting and disrespectful to the rest of you he sounds like the type of typical man that hasn't a clue about other people's feelings.:(


You say your lovely DH is so upset about the situation that if he were to broach the subject with Stepdad he might have a row. To be honest, HH, I don't think that would be a bad thing. DH is sufficiently 'removed' from immediate kinship to be in a better situation to 'tell it like it is' to Stepdad. DH would be angry on your behalf which is a lot different than you showing anger yourself which is something you don't feel you can do. This mention of rows comes from someone (me) who runs a mile from a confrontation. After a lifetime of my Mother's rages I became the sort of person who's often scared of my own shadow:o. It can give rise to psychological problems in the long run. Please do something to clear the air. If Stepdad has an iota of feeling for his family he'll understand what you're all going through.



So sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, HH, I just want to make things a little better for you. I know I can't but it won't stop me trying. I know you'll be glad in many ways that it's half term and you have the whole week to yourself to get on with all that you manage to cram into your busy days but after yesterday I expect you'd have welcomed the volunteering today to take your mind off things for a few hours.


Take care of yourself:kisses3:

Thank you Carboot . You're not speaking out of turn at all.

The trouble is that stepdad can be a bit opinionated and think he's always right, so I don't think speaking to him would change his behaviour, he would just think we were being unreasonable .

Also DH is slow to anger but can also be slow to forgive. So if he had a row with stepdad I think that would cause a permanent rift in their relationship, it would end their relationship in fact . My aim is to keep DH and stepdad apart to avoid that.

I think the best solution is to distance ourselves. I can cope with seeing stepdad on his own as I can pretend that none of this is happening. But seeing him with the lady friend is too upsetting, so after the birthday meal I'm not going to allow that to happen again (they are both 75 by the way).

Thank you for being upset on my behalf .

HairyHandofDartmoor

GlendaSugarbean wrote: »

Just wanted to reiterate that your SD is being very insensitive. We lost Mum nearly two years ago, and Dad has just booked his first holiday away with friends. I'm so happy for him, but it was still a bit of a shock. And that's after two years.

I think you are being very sensible to take a step back. Confronting him isn't going to change his behaviour if he's in a happily besotted phase, and being with them is just hurting you. Time to look after yourself, and concentrate on your shiny new job (def do the pension, it's free money).

Thank you Glenda . I think you're right that in his besotted phase stepdad won't listen to reason, so avoidance is best for my emotional health.

sashybo wrote: »

HH, I've not been around for a few days so had 10 pages to catch up on your diary. :eek::rotfl:

Big congrats on getting the job. :j:j:beer::beer::T:T I'm sure it will be good for you in lots of ways.

Sorry to hear about your stepdad, that sounds like a horrible situation for you. You're definitely right to take a step back.

Thank you Sashybo . I'm so pleased about the job . And I agree with you about the stepdad situation. Sorry it took you so long to catch up :rotfl:.

elizabethhull wrote: »

Some men can be surprisingly dense when it comes to personal relationships ie if step-dad is happy obviously you must be happy for him.
Well, I entirely understand that at the moment you're not. It doesn't mean there won't come a time when you can accept another person in his life as normal and perhaps even welcome it, but for you this is way way too soon. I think we all sympathise with your reaction - one's Mum is so special, and yours sounds to have been a lovely lady.

Whether you step back, confront, or get OH to say something, we're all here supporting your choice and understanding the intense feelings behind it.

I also feel it is important to get into the habit of saving and contributing to your pension. The pension will be so welcome when the time comes, and if it's deducted at source you won't miss it. I know it seems like there are a lot of claims on this money before you've even got any (!), but it's a question of good habits. Even tiny savings build up.

Thank you Elizabeth . You're exactly right that stepdad is happy and he can't understand why we're not all happy for him . He doesn't seem to understand that we're still mourning for my mum and that it's just too soon.

Avoidance is the route I'm going to go down as I want to avoid a permanent rift between DH and stepdad. One day perhaps I can cope with seeing them together, but that day is not here yet .

I can cope with seeing stepdad on his own because I can pretend it's not happening. But I don't want to go to my mum's house (I still think of it as hers) for the immediate future and see another woman's belongings there .

Willowtree222

You know how best to handle this for you, and I hope it eases some of the hurt and upset when you avoid.

I agree that this is very insensitive and that public displays of affection are not really considering your feelings over your mum.

x

abba1772

Congrats on the job hairy you truly deserve it xx

teapot2

Evening HH, another one who hasn't been around for a few days and would like to echo the many congrats on the job, :beer::j:j I know how much competition there is for jobs in a school - well done.

Also agree re the pension :money:

Re stepdad, think you are right to step away when you can and just get some space from the situation. Neither SD or ladyfriend are considering anyone else's feelings, they sound like they are in a bubble of their own so best avoided :mad:

HairyHandofDartmoor

Nicnak wrote: »

You know how best to handle this for you, and I hope it eases some of the hurt and upset when you avoid.

I agree that this is very insensitive and that public displays of affection are not really considering your feelings over your mum.

x

Thank you Nicnak. It is an upsetting situation.

abba1772 wrote: »

Congrats on the job hairy you truly deserve it xx

Thank you Abba .

teapot2 wrote: »

Evening HH, another one who hasn't been around for a few days and would like to echo the many congrats on the job, :beer::j:j I know how much competition there is for jobs in a school - well done.

Also agree re the pension :money:

Re stepdad, think you are right to step away when you can and just get some space from the situation. Neither SD or ladyfriend are considering anyone else's feelings, they sound like they are in a bubble of their own so best avoided :mad:

Thank you Teapot2 I'm really pleased about the job . I agree with you about stepdad.

WannabeFree

Amazing news on the job HH I'm so happy for you :j

x