Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us?

badmemory

silvercar wrote: »

That really isn't "fair" as she is paying for your housing choices. If we downsized to a small well insulated flat, our heating costs would be far lower than it is in our older larger house.

But is it fair that YOU should pay for an adult child's housing choices.

My son still lives at home, he now pays household bills 50/50. He didn't at first, but once his income became larger than mine AND it became obvious that he showed no interest in moving out, his share gradually increased until we reached 50/50. He knows exactly where every penny goes. He doesn't pay towards the new double glazing etc, but he does pay towards the gardener. He could choose to mow the lawn himself but doesn't!

It is all down to circumstances really. 10/15 years ago it was half the food bills, and now if for some reason he isn't working then we go back to that, if he will let me. He doesn't like not paying his way. And this is it really isn't it? He is an adult and as such does not like not paying his way.

So is your daughter a child or an adult? Has she found the outside world so overwhelming that she wants to come back to live as a child. Perhaps remind her that a child has rules like curfew, bed times, chores etc. An adult can make their own choices within normal politeness. This comes from one who at 21 lectured her parents on the rudeness of saying that they were due home at midnight & didn't turn up until 4am! So this does work both ways.

svain

Fujiko wrote: »

On the assumption that you are not being sarcastic, I agree with you wholeheartedly. My first reaction to this problem was what a selfish, unfeeling daughter but then wondered how the parents had managed to raise one who was on the face of it so mean. How good was the relationship before she left home? Personally I would be ashamed if my daughter behaved as she has.
We are by no standard wealthy, but I would never have even considered charging my daughter to continue to live in her home which she did until she left to get married. The daily expenses were exactly the same as they had always been - one fewer person in a house does not mean an automatic reduction in gas, electricity, water etc usage, and has absolutely no bearing on Council Tax. I did not run the washing machine or dishwasher exclusively to deal with her usage and as she got older she actually ate less frequently at home and more frequently with friends.In any case, who measures out the amount of food used per head? There was and always has been plenty and often left-overs to make the next meal or go into the freezer!
The result - while living at home and once she was earning she voluntarily said thank you with a weekly bunch of flowers, bottle of wine or chocolates, and taking us out for meals or a day out.
Perhaps instead of spending time with a calculator the parents in this case should examine their own record in child-rearing.

I was far from being sarcastic ..... It seems more and more common to milk children for as much as possible and try and justify as they are doing them a favour in later life!! ... It's a laughable logic!.

People will charge what they like, but at least have the "balls" to be honest with themselves ... and admit its an income stream for themselves and not a "life lesson" they are trying to teach ... and be upfront with the kids about it.

IMO ... its partly jealousy that their children have more disposable income (god forbid that happens!!), its partly jealousy because their kids dont have the same responsibilities (why should they?? ... there will be plenty of time for that in the future .. let them have some fun first) and its partly because some people just begrudge others doing less than them.

I have no issue with a token gesture to cover a few expenses and sign of respect, but i would NEVER consider my children as an income, nor would i EVER penalise my children for having a good income or a good time. .... The exception being, if i genuinely couldnt afford where i live and a temporary agreement was made that makes it a win-win for both or we all clubbed together in house purchase

Mojisola

svain wrote: »

I have no issue with a token gesture to cover a few expenses and sign of respect, but i would NEVER consider my children as an income, nor would i EVER penalise my children for having a good income or a good time. ....

So would you expect to be able to live with your parents and not pay your way?

svain

Mojisola wrote: »

So would you expect to be able to live with your parents and not pay your way?

Im not saying that at all. Its the same if my parents came to live with me, i wouldnt charge them a set fee, i would never be comfortable with that ... How and if they wished to contribute would be their own choice but never an expectation

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

So would you expect to be able to live with your parents and not pay your way?

svain wrote: »

Im not saying that at all.

That seems like strange double standards.

You wouldn't expect to live for free in your parents' home but you would be happy if your children refused to pay their way in yours.

svain

Mojisola wrote: »

That seems like strange double standards.

You wouldn't expect to live for free in your parents' home but you would be happy if your children refused to pay their way in yours.

Very easy to quote part of the sentence/paragraph to try and win a debate. Now look at the complete paragraph and you will there is no double standard at all.

Mojisola

svain wrote: »

Very easy to quote part of the sentence/paragraph to try and win a debate. Now look at the complete paragraph and you will there is no double standard at all.

There is - you wouldn't expect your children or your parents to contribute towards their living costs if they lived with you but you would pay if you lived with them.

svain

Mojisola wrote: »

There is - you wouldn't expect your children or your parents to contribute towards their living costs if they lived with you but you would pay if you lived with them.

Your still not grasping it ... read it again .... Ill help you a little ... the little word you are missing is "choice".

I might "choose" to contribute if i live under their roof, as they may "choose" to contribute if they lived with me. The difference is, we wouldnt demand payment as a condition of living in each others home.

sunnyflower

We never charged our children when they lived at home (granted they weren't big earners) but they paid for their own cars / phones etc.
However, they all saved and had a nice sum for their individual circumstances when they left.
We were more than happy with this. They are all hard workers and sensible with their money, so this approach worked for our family.

silvercar

Mojisola wrote: »

So would you expect to be able to live with your parents and not pay your way?

If I needed to live with my parents, they would never have dreamt of charging me.

So the next question is if an elderly parent moved in with you, would you charge them?