Complex family situation

System

I think I would inform social services.

Gingernutty

The bullet must be bitten.

Social Services need to be involved, if not AgeUK as this is elder abuse and you MIL is an elderly carer.

He can't function without a carer's help and when MIL dies, who'll thrn look after him. You?

Talk to socisl services and your MIL's/cousin's GPs.

TBagpuss

Mini_Bear wrote: »

He is a British citizen. We have spoken to MIL about taking him to the GP and getting him assessed in order to access assisted living etc. She has provided two separate responses - one to me and one to my husband:
1) She does not want to broach the subject with the guy or his mum since both think he is perfectly normal and this cold upset/anger them.
2) she does not want to access services in the U.K. As ultimately they would then have to oversee his care for the rest of their days.

I can see the above responses show that MIL doesn't want to move forward with the situation and we are frustrated that this inertia is damaging the guy and probably confusing him(he assumes he is staying in U.K. Forever).

I would suggest that you and your husband discuss it and then he speaks (or writes) to his mother.

The conversation may be along the lines of,

"I/We understand that it is not easy that [your brother and sister in law] have left you in the position of feeling responsible for Nephew.

However, you need to understand that we cannot take on responsibility for him. We won't be able to look after him when you go away , either in your home or ours, or to take on other responsibility for him.

We are willing to help you to find more appropriate support for him, for example, but helping you to contact Adult Services, look into options for respite care etc. Do you want us to help with that?"
(obviously, only say this if you would be willing to help with those things)

And then if she brings it up again, his / your response is "As we said before, we can''t look after him. Do you want us to help you with contacting social services or helping you find out if he would be eligible for supported housing?"

It may be that if she is still not willing to do anything that your husband's response become "Mum, we've offered to help you so that you are stuck in this position but you've chosen not to accept any of the suggestions we've made. I don't have anything else to suggest."

Also, I note that you have talked about his mother, your mum's SIL, but what about his father, your mum's brother? Why is your husband only thinking of contacting his aunt, and not his uncle?

I think it would be perfectly appropriate for you to contact social services (adult services) directly and express concerns both for your MIL' and for your husband's cousin, given the circumstances, but I suspect that if MIL says she is managing they won't , in the absence of any obvious signs of neglect, intervene.

The only other thing that might be helpful would be if you or your husband had the time and energy to do some research about what help or support might be available to your husband's cousin. Is it possible that MIL is scared that he would end up institutionalised and that's why she doesn't want to get in touch with authorities? You might also be able to check whether he would be likely to quality for any benefits - is your MIL supporting him financially at the moment?

Obviously you don't have to do this, but it might be worth exploring with M<IL why she is so opposed to seeking help, to see whether better information/understanding would change her mind.

Fireflyaway

Someone needs to say / do something or the situation will never change. Your mother in law will age and inevitably pass away one day. Its unfair on her and the young man in question for the situation to continue. It sounds detrimental to the welfare of both.
I would speak to social services to gather some information. Social services are not in the business of just sticking people in care. They might be able to provide support in the form of a day centre that this young man could attend to provide social interaction for him and respite for his carers. They could find opportunity for him to access eduction / training or supported work / volunteering. If appropriate they may suggest he live in supported accommodation.
Its very odd that the boys mum is behaving in this way. Its probably better that your husband speak to her to avoid her perceiving the in laws sticking their nose in. You and your husband have every right to speak up. Could your mum in law be afraid that the boy will get taken away? Maybe reassuring her that social services primary function is to provide advice and support, not get people in trouble might help?

TBagpuss

Further thought - is it possible that you MIL is not listening to your husband because he is her son? I think sometimes it can be hard for parents to see their own adult children as anything other then their children. If you think this might be the case, then it's worth considering whether there is anyone else, such as a trusted friend, family member in her own generation, who might be able to have a conversation with her.

You mention 'they' when you talk about her going away - is your FIL in the picture? Who is the 'they' she travels with, and is it worth talking to them.

Also, having a small baby is a very good reason for you and your husband to be saying, in no uncertain terms, that you are not able to help. 4 weeks is a long time, it is a huge favour you MIL is asking of you, particularly as it would be over your own child's first Christmas which presumably is something you and your husband would like to enjoy. Just because your MIL has assumed you'd step in doesn't mean you have to. Stand firm.

(If you want, you can say to her that she will need to arrange alternative care for her nephew - but that you are willing to look in on him and whoever she arranges to look after him, once a week, or that you are willing to have him over for lunch on Boxing day, or whatever you would be comfortable with, but don't feel you have to agree to more just because refusing is inconvenient for her.

It may be that you standing firm is helpful to her in the long term, as it may force her to accept that proper support, though social service,. is needed

Mini_Bear

Thanks for all your replies, it's very welcome advice. Father in Law is v frustrated by the situation but every time he has mentioned anything he gets his head bitten off by MIL so now spends as much time as possible at their other property basically isolating himself and drinking a fair amount. husband can see that and that is why he is gettin upset, they should both be spending more time with each other now they are retired not less!!
The guys father is of a very difficult character. MIL spoke to him a few days ago and he reiterated that he believes his son is just a lazy teenager (though he is now 25), and that they don't want him back and he is just doing nothing about finding independent accommodation. They believe he can live independently in a house share but needs to find this himself. They are based in OZ although neither work but have never offered to help or contribute financially to the guys upkeep.
I have explored the options around assisted housing though there is a large waiting list for certain types (we are close to London). My twin is a mental health nurse so has provided me with lots of information and contacts on assisted living and various charities which I have followed up on. It seems without proper diagnosis we are unsure how he would be categorised in terms of dependency. I have offered to take him to the GP as I get on well with him but MIL is insistent that she does this (and then does nothing).
I think ultimately we need to stand firm and not offer to take him for Xmas in line with my husbands other siblings. If MIL is going to get mad with all her kids then so be it I suppose.

FBaby

I think it is very unfair to be accusing the mother of taking him away to Oz, when clearly she was having issues and try to give a better life there, hence taking full responsibility for him, and then when her son decided, against her will, to come to the UK, accuse her of discharging herself of her responsibilities.

The MIL got involved in a matter she should have stayed out of. She agreed to have him come over, it was her choice of doing so. It backfired because she realised that the problems were not just that of the mother doing but that the son is having some issues that she herself finds difficult to deal with.

He is an adult though, so whatever support he requires, he does need to start taking responsibility for himself. What is confusing is that everyone seem to think that he doesn't have problems that requires support from outside agencies, but at the same time seem to be treating him as if he can't look after himself.

Either he is indeed just lazy and what he needs is a kick off his bum, or he does have issues, in which case, he does need to have access to external support.

I agree that at the moment, MIL wants it both ways and just as she accused his mum to do, want to pass the buck to anyone else because she can't cope anymore.

gettingtheresometime

Again this suggestion may seem way of the mark but at least you'd know what you were dealing with!


Could (or more importantly would) your sister be prepared to give her informal opinion on the nephew as to whether he's lazy or in need of help?


I was thinking of her seeing him in an informal setting so he doesn't know and the MIL's not going to get annoyed/upset/obstructive?

marggiehopkins

Hi! I think that you should inform social services about the situation. It will be the best solution

Robisere

Hi, I am of the same generation as your MIL and I think I know why she reacts so strongly to assistance from outside agencies such as Social Services, Adult Social Care, etc.

When my generation was young, 'problem people' such as your nephew, were usually taken to horrible, inhospitable institutions and left there. Families either visited regularly, not so regularly, or treated them as "out of sight, out of mind" and forgot them. They became institutionalised and completely unable to function in society, if discharged after a long period.They were considered as a family secret and not spoken about. I had two uncles in this situation and I have vivid memories of the massive old Victorian building where they were kept. My parents and other uncles visited twice a year and I was unfortunately taken there to see them twice, as a child. It was truly awful and if your MIL has similar memories, or recalls how such places were thought of when we were young, it will be the source of her opposition. You need to defeat her conceptions about this and help her to understand that Adult Social Care is not at all like that now.

I also have a gson who was diagnosed early with Aspergers. After our gson displayed many of the problems you describe in your nephew when he was young, we feared for his future. However, he had what your nephew has never had: a loving family. His mum, sister, grandparents, uncle and cousins have shown him nothing but love and help. His dad, however, took off when he was a toddler, which probably helped.

As a result of family love and help, at 24 he is now living in his own flat, has a great career, and does everthing for himself. I think that is the unfortunate difference between your nephew and our gson: from his first days, our gson had a loving family behind him, whilst your nephew had such an unfortunate childhood and development. Learning that he was lazy and unable to look after himself, must have been intolerable, when he should have been checked out physically and psychologically at an early age. A fitting diagnosis would have brought about the proper treatment.

I know that doesn't help, but I am trying to say that your nephew is the one in the worst position here. Try to make MIL understand that he needs help that no family member can give him, and he is not a problem that the family can adequately deal with, nor should they be expected to deal with. I understand your husband's concern about this.

Sorry about the long post.