Complex family situation

Mini_Bear

Apologies for the long post, some may advise me not to stick my oar in BUT this is very distressing for my husband and I wonder what others would do (I cannot imagine this situation would ever occur in another family because of clearer communication - but here goes).

Husbands mother (my MIL) is one of four siblings (only one that lives in UK). MILs brother has two kids both in 20s, they were born in U.K. and dragged back to Oz by their Ozzie mum 6 yrs ago (they were approx 14 and 19 at this time), neither of them wanted to go back. Oz mum has no family, friends or job in Oz, their father works in mining so is international and v rarely around for long.
Both children struggled to fit in in OZ with youngest now unhappy at uni. The eldest was born prematurely and has physical as well as mental disabilities which are very clear to see. Despite this his mother never got him assessed and home schooled him for many years when the UK schools couldn't accommodate his needs. In effect he fell through the gap in terms of educational support. So he left school with no qualifications and started a college course before being dragged (kicking and screaming) to Oz.
The relationship between the eldest child and his mother deteriorated so much that he was a recluse and would stay in his room 24/7, his mother would make all his food and leave it at his door. He expressed an interest in coming back to the UK and eventually my MIL agreed they would keep him for a period of 6 months in which time he could access Princes Trust, try to get some work experience and just generally learn life skills as his mother had never done this.
This was 12months ago, the oldest child has had a few voluntary and basic admin roles but doesn't seem to keep them longer than a few months, he is not particularly verbal so it is difficult to ascertain why the roles then ceased to exist.
His parents have never made any attempt to contact him or my MIL and have now admitted they don't want him back. My MIL feels stuck with an adult child who she does not want to upset/put back in a toxic environment by sending him back to OZ but at the grand age of 70 wants to enjoy her own life and is fiercely independent.
My husband wants to email his aunt (the mother of the adult child in this situation) and express in no uncertain terms that the position they have put my MIL in is disgraceful. MIL does not want any family interference and will be v annoyed with my husband if he communicates to her sister in law BUT he doesn't want this situation continuing into his parents old age. The guy cannot crack eggs or follow simple instructions despite months of patiently showing him and has to be reminded to eat, so fending for himself is not an option (he leaves the gas on the hob, leaves front door open and has no concept of paying bills/rent etc).
To add to this the MIL expects her kids (including my husband) to split care responsibility for the guy between them on the rare instance they go on holiday. The other siblings have expressed in no uncertain terms this is not possible (small children, full time jobs, no guest rooms), so this is now sitting squarely at our door. We have a 7 week baby and I am currently on maternity leave, and we have a spare room technically. They are currently planning to go to NZ for 4 weeks over Xmas.
So what would you do in this silly situation (keep head down and have minimal interaction wiv MIL or intervene and try to head this off at the pass by confronting the guys mum?)

onlyroz

Is this young man a British citizen? Can you get adult social services involved?


I do know somebody whose adult son has Aspergers, and he lives in secure accommodation with regular visits from social workers. He has limited employability. I'm not sure of all the details about how this was arranged though.

gettingtheresometime

Sounds as if the mum, for whatever reason, has absolved responsibility for him and his UK based family have been left to take care of the son, and I would guess that this was part of the cunning plan all along.


Whilst it's all very well your MIL saying she doesn't want any family interference, if the family are expected help when they go away on holiday then the family's opinions do matter.


What's the cunning plan if she was taken ill or worse?

It sounds as if your husband & his mum can't discuss it at the moment as both are on the defensive the moment the subject is raised so my suggestion would be for your husband to write a letter, explaining his concerns for both your PIL & the nephew....and in the long run, if he's not given the chance to have professional help, then he's not being given any favours...even if your MIL thinks she's helping.


A letter would give your MIL pause for thought - and even if it's ripped up in the heat of the moment, it can always be stuck back together.

lika_86

Just say that you can't host him while they're away, if he leaves the gas on and front doors open then you're well within your rights to not want to take on a safety/security risk. If you don't host him then presumably your MIL will be forced to do something about him. Make it clear not that this is not your responsibility (nor is it MIL's).

Mini_Bear

He is a British citizen. We have spoken to MIL about taking him to the GP and getting him assessed in order to access assisted living etc. She has provided two separate responses - one to me and one to my husband:
1) She does not want to broach the subject with the guy or his mum since both think he is perfectly normal and this cold upset/anger them.
2) she does not want to access services in the U.K. As ultimately they would then have to oversee his care for the rest of their days.

I can see the above responses show that MIL doesn't want to move forward with the situation and we are frustrated that this inertia is damaging the guy and probably confusing him(he assumes he is staying in U.K. Forever).

dandy-candy

I think I was incredibly naive of mil to take him on, especially at her age. I don't think he's anyone's responsibility other than his parents and hers. She can't bring someone here and then try and ditch him when it's too tough, a bit like getting a puppy for Xmas. It seem she saw him in a bad situation and tried to help but she has in fact mad it worse because it now looks like he's being ditched a second time in his life.
Forget his mum, she obviously doesn't want to know. Mil shouldn't rope your husband into helping, she took on the responsibility. Let her sort it out with social services and keep well out.

Mini_Bear

Thanks for your responses, I share your views that by helping out the MIL we are facilitating the situation and allowing it to continue.
I def think there was a cunning plan to offload the guy on a more capable (and wealthier) family member and unfortunately MIL took the bait in good faith.

Tammykitty

If you contact anyone it should be the guys dad - your MIL's brother

System

.... talk about pass the parcel.

gettingtheresometime

OP - could it be that your MIL is scared of involving SS as she believes that the facilities are horrendous?


Would it worth spending a little time in finding out what facilities are available for your nephew?


I appreciate that this may be the last thing you want to do, especially as you want to enjoy your own new addition but it might prove to be time well spent.

Pollycat

Your MIL cannot have it both ways.

If she doesn't want your husband to interfere by getting in touch with this boy's parents, then she shouldn't expect him - and by association you - and the rest of your husband's siblings to help out when she goes on holiday.

What do your husband's siblings think of this expectation, BTW?