Complex family situation

jackyann

You are on maternity leave, so need to look after your baby and yourself.

I think you have done all that you reasonably can (and more!) so now, I agree with those who say you should refer to Social Services. In this situation, with all that you have tried so far, I would simply do an anonymous referral. Give minimal information - as the Social Worker will find out all the detail. Just say that you are concerned about the situation this young man and his family are in - add that his grandmother will say everything is fine although it isn't- they are used to this.

And, as many health and social workers will tell tell you, this is not actually, an unusual situation.

Justwe03

From an outside perspective it seems very cruel that this young adult has had his needs neglected for his entire life by the looks of it, due to people refusing to either put his needs before their pride or ignoring his needs to not 'stir the pot.'

Whilst it doesn't read as it anyone has been intently cruel its a very sad set of circumstances.

The main question should be what does this lad need to have a decent quality of life and enable him to gain the life skills that have been denied thus far.

In your situation OP i'd be calling Adult Social Services for help for him, everyone else seems to be thinking of themselves.

enthusiasticsaver

It is a very sad situation but your MIL has effectively taken responsibility for her nephew by bringing him over to UK and giving him a home. Presumably he has dual nationality as he was born in U.K. So there should be some assistance from social services but your MIL is the one who should help him access them.

In your position I would not interfere beyond saying you are not in a position to house him over Xmas and long term MIL needs to get a long term plan in place given he is unable to live independently.

KxMx

Perhaps it comes down to whether the wider family are willing to support MIL in her position as carer.

In this case it seems not, which means MIL needs to see that accessing outside help will be her only way to get respite.


I totally understand OP you wanting to put your foot down.

I think this is so sad. He has been abandoned by his immediate family, and his wider family seem unwilling to help contribute towards his care.

I include MIL who won't access outside help and aunts/uncles who refuse outright.

As I said, i understand why OP wants to say no, but it is so sad.

If it is a 4 week holiday could he not go to OP then each sibling in turn, so no one has him the whole time?

Mini_Bear

Thanks for all your replies, I hadn't thought about an anonymous call to social services. I will do this without my husbands knowledge as he will feel obliged to let his mother know and then I will no doubt be struck off the Christmas card list. Ultimately we want to ensure the guy has the necessary support in the future as his parents and my husband parents are advancing in years.

itsanne

QUOTE=Mini Bear;72986388. I will do this without my husbands knowledge[/QUOTE]

I'd like to suggest that you don't do that. Having secrets is not conducive to a happy marriage, and in this case it's even worse that the secret is about his family. How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

It would be far, far better for your husband to phone or for you to phone with his knowledge, but if you think he'd try to put you off, phone and then tell him (and be ready with your argument as to why he shouldn't tell his mother).

I'm not unsympathetic about you wanting to phone so anonymously that even your husband doesn't know, but keeping it from him may eventually swap one problem for another one. If you don't think you can tell him, then I don't think you should phone at all and your involvement should be limited to making sure everyone knows you won't be enabling the current situation by having the lad to stay.

Pollycat

itsanne wrote: »

QUOTE=Mini Bear;72986388. I will do this without my husbands knowledge

I'd like to suggest that you don't do that. Having secrets is not conducive to a happy marriage, and in this case it's even worse that the secret is about his family. How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

It would be far, far better for your husband to phone or for you to phone with his knowledge, but if you think he'd try to put you off, phone and then tell him (and be ready with your argument as to why he shouldn't tell his mother).

I'm not unsympathetic about you wanting to phone so anonymously that even your husband doesn't know, but keeping it from him may eventually swap one problem for another one. If you don't think you can tell him, then I don't think you should phone at all and your involvement should be limited to making sure everyone knows you won't be enabling the current situation by having the lad to stay.[/QUOTE]
+1 to this.

Even if you do it anonymously, once SS get involved there'll be the rumblings about who actually rang them up and it wouldn't surprise me if it all comes out, and you'll end up on the wrong side of everything and everyone.

jackyann

I think that I should respond to these 2 posts, as the anonymous referral was my suggestion.
Firstly, as I'm sure both they and you realised, it was to save trouble with your MiL, not to be secretive to your husband.

Having said that, at the centre of this conundrum is a vulnerable young man whose needs are not being met, and are unlikely to be until someone steps outside of MiL's instructions.

I would still consider the anonymous call - initially, if you feel more comfortable, it does not have to be a 'referral' - you can say that you wish, anonymously, to discuss a worrying situation, and not give any names or addresses. They are used to this, and their response and suggestions may be very helpful to you.

You can also think about discussing this with your Health Visitor, who will have local knowledge.

I have, in the course of a long career in community health, dealt with many such situations, and in the spirit of this board would say that - however painful - they are better dealt with sooner than later.

I wish you luck.

pollypenny

What a horrible situation. I think that refusing to have the young man while the in-laws are away should be a wake-up call for your MIL. Obviously, she must be told this well in advance of the trip, though.

Enlist your FIL, too. His absence suggests that he would be relieved to find a way out. Then it's time to contact SS. Sooner the better, as they are under pressure.

Good luck. Do not take him in under any circumstance.

Pollycat

jackyann wrote: »

I think that I should respond to these 2 posts, as the anonymous referral was my suggestion.
Firstly, as I'm sure both they and you realised, it was to save trouble with your MiL, not to be secretive to your husband.

I did understand that, jackyann.

It's just I can see repercussions for the OP - who is trying to do her best for this chap - which will strain relationships with her OH & in-laws.
She's already said that if her MIL knows she's told SS she'll be struck off the Xmas card list (no idea if this was said in all seriousness or in jest) so what will the reaction be if the MIL and the OP's husband find out that she's done it without any of their knowledge?
I'm sure if SS are involved, there'll be an inquest into who rang them which may turn into a witch-hunt - with the OP in the ducking stool or even worse, in the fire.