Worried about health of friend and children

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

WorriedFriend2017 wrote: »

Not at all, but it was part of my concern. She was very worried about the benefits cap last year and yes this would have left her in a difficult situation, with £400/month left over to pay for all bills, food, clothes, transport, etc, etc for a family of 5.

Part of my involvement was to help to get this sorted as I was hoping the additional money would mean they could live comfortably and all be fed properly as a minimum.

She doesn't tend to eat, often going from day to day eating only some sweets - but that shouldn't mean her kids don't eat!

I was worried previously, but less worried now that this side of things is all sorted. However, she needs to spend it properly (she has never budgeted and often not paid bills on time).

SS are going to review the details and contact her next week....

She sounds confused by planning, arithmetic and the concept of time - could she have an undiagnosed learning disability? I know somebody who is a great parent but, due to her mother's alcoholism, has fetal alcohol syndrome - her partner handles all the planning, finances, etc, and messages her through the day to make sure she knows it's time to eat, etc. She's lovely, he's lovely, but he has to care for her even whilst in work to make it possible to function. Another (highly educated) friend has eventually been diagnosed with autism and struggles in similar ways, again, it's a loving husband that ensures she can function at least some of the day.


In any case, she needs help. I'm surprised at the figures, but if you say they're true, OK *, and if she has no concept of numbers, she might be assuming she can't afford to eat because the alternative of running out of money might scare her - after all, it is perfectly possible that right up until they left, either of her partners could have been doing all the financial things (and keeping her short), so she needs encouragement to set up automatic payments so she can forget about them, along with help to plan appropriate meals.

If she struggles with food, cleaning rotas are going to be alien to her. They're alien to a lot of people - I wonder whether her childhood environment was similar?


You've done the right thing by getting in touch - but she might need somebody to be with her when they contact her, to ensure that she isn't confused by what they say - and there is nothing in your post that says it would be better for the kids to be taken into care - as she isn't a direct threat to them, it appears that her needing support but not receiving it is what is causing a risk, so she would benefit from somebody present at all times to make sure she doesn't find herself agreeing to things she can't do or signing them over to the care of the local authority.

*ETA: your figures check out - there might be about a tenner a week to pay for rent, but she'd also be entitled to some council tax benefit as well.

When she gets migrated over to Universal Credit, it'll be much harder for her though - the money will be monthly, she'll have to use the internet to manage the claim and if she can't cope on weekly payments, I can't see her dealing with that successfully - getting assessed and diagnosed (if appropriate) will be essential for her to get the support she obviously needs.

WorriedFriend2017

I wouldn't say she has a learning disability or problem with figures (she's actually doing part time studying too, although hasn't been able to submit much coursework on time). Not wanting to be horrible, but she just has no motivation to do lots of these things, even though she knows she needs to. The only way she moved in the end was that she literally knew her tennancy was coming to an end in a couple of days - even though she had given 2 month's notice. She therefore had not packed or prepared anything.

I think this is down to depression to be honest, she just about gets from day to day but doesn't seem to want to do anything 'normal'. They are still living out of boxes, except for one sofa and the TV (which I set up for them) and yet have been there for over 2 month's. This even though that she has most evenings free.

I need to look into universal credit but from what I've seen so far,there's no plans to roll it out here yet.

FBaby

So she's working, studying and looking after 4 children whilst suffering from MH. It's no surprise she is shattered and exhausted and that would impact on her mood.

Does she ever get children free time except when she's at work?

It sounds like she is on survival mode and therefore doing to same with her children. Unfortunately, this means that she is most likely not being a good role model for her kids, not giving them the attention, quality good, disciplining etc... that is required for children to grow up to be balanced, happy, well adjusted adults, but ultimately, that's very much what is part of our society with the growth of single mothers with multitude of children.

You seem to be giving her a lot of support, so she's very lucky this way. What would probably help her most would be to take the kids from her for some fix days, maybe once a month, or more if possible, so she can look forward to it, or sending her away for a day and get down to sorting out all the boxes, do a deep clean etc.... These things can seem unsurmountable for someone who is totally shattered.

sheramber

Who looks after the toddler when she is working?

Who is looking after all the children when she is working during the school holidays?

WorriedFriend2017

Thanks again for the replies. Following another conversation, she refuses to go to the GP as she doesn't believe she has the problem. Mentioning the blades she says she has done it for years and will make sure she hides them better....

Agreed she seems to be doing too much but also won't give up on study - it is definitely survival mode.

I did help where I could in the old place although that didn't last for long, as whatever clearing cleaning and tidying I did was back to the same state within a couple of weeks. I have offered to help unpack and sort things in the new place but recently been told she doesn't have time. I'd hoped that getting everything unpacked would mean she can settle in somewhat.

Her parents occasionally have the kids, the youngest goes to a childminder and in the holidays the older ones go to holiday club (seeing as she gets the child support) meaning she can still work.

When I've mentioned leaving the toddler with the childminder on a couple of extra days so that we sort things, she dodges the question and then says it's the only time she gets to see him alone.

I've offered to take the older ones to the cinema a few times but she never commits.

Cheeky_Monkey

I wouldn't be surprised if the children are not taken into care if they are having to live in such despicable circumstances and, personally, I think they should be.

It's outrageous that those poor little mites are having to live like that and, if the mother refuses to get help, she doesn't deserve to have them.

WorriedFriend2017

The kids seem generally happy but they do miss their dad (the only one they've really known, the most recent ex). However sometimes their behaviour is pretty bad and she struggles with this, I think this is probably due to all of the above reasons though and even a better diet would probably help.

I will continue to help where I can but it's quite hard to see, particularly when it's the complete opposite to my lifestyle. Maybe I need to see if I can arrange childcare for all of the kids so that I can blitz the place over a few days?

I think she would completely lose it if the children were taken into care. They still go to school and go to clubs, etc too, it's more the basics that I am worried about. I've never actually seen them take a bath but apparently they do once a week...

Just_Plain_Jane

Do you think there's a possibility of alcohol/substance abuse?

Cheeky_Monkey

OP - you can make all the excuses you like but, worst case scenario, how would you feel if one of the children died or was seriously injured by one of the blades she leaves lying around?

She doesn't seem to have a problem with getting what she wants i.e. Netflix and bottles of wine!

WorriedFriend2017

No substance abuse. She did use to do drugs as a teen but has been completely clean for a long time now due to bad experiences with it.

She does drink, but not to excess now. She did seem to be drinking lots of evenings last year but that has calmed down.

The thing is she does have friends come round during the day and evenings, including mum friends, but they don't seem to say anything....

Difficult to know exactly what to do.