Worried about health of friend and children

TBagpuss

I agree that it would be appropriate to contact Social Services. You can do so anonymously if you want.

What you describe sounds like fairly worrying neglect. Particularly the lack of adequate food.

The reason behind it may be that your friend has depression or other mental health issues, which is horrible for her, but isn't a valid reason to allow the children to suffer. And right now, things may be about to get worse as the school holidays start, if that means that the older ones no longer get a meal at school.

I think you can directly raise your concerns with her if you think she would hear you, and you can encourage her to see her GP to seek help for herself.

if Social Services become in involved, they will try to work with her, don't assume that a call to social services = children removed.

WorriedFriend2017

Thanks again for the replies.

Regarding the older children's father, he wants nothing to do with any of them and was abusive, hence the split. She only gets maintenance as it was forced via CSA. Unfortunately this might need to be the option with the most recent ex too.

I have spoken to the local social services and they are going to look into it.

The eldest two suffer really bad with asthma and are regularly ill, so the house conditions are probably not helping.

FBaby

So what is she spending this insulting amount on money on?

WorriedFriend2017

That's the thing, until the move she had quite an excess in her account and didn't realise until I helped her sign up for internet banking. We moved some into an online saver for emergency use.

She's taken quite a hit with the move as she needed to pay for some things for the new house that weren't included, plus some of the existing rent due to the previous house contract. However, now that she's in the new house this should rebuild quickly, again she doesn't believe me on this.

Red-Squirrel_2

You seem more concerned with her finances than her and her children's health. How much money they have doesn't matter as long as it's enough to feed, house and clothe them, which it is, so don't worry about that.

Getting urgent help is more important. Malnutrition in growing children can affect them for their entire lives.

Pollycat

KxMx wrote: »

True, up to a point.

It sounds like not even a basic level of hygiene or cleanliness is being achieved, to the point where a toddler has access to mouldy food that was thrown away.

That is a big deal to most people,and I think labelling it as untidy or unspotless is well short of the mark in this particular case.

Absolutely.

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

Plenty of people grow up in untidy, unspotless homes, it's a personal preference and no big deal.

Anybody who thinks the bits in bold below is 'no big deal' is - imho - very, very wrong indeed.

WorriedFriend2017 wrote: »

- She has never really cleaned. I have helped where I can but then find its the same again a week later. The kitchen is usually unsanitary with the bin overflowing and rotting food all over the worktops and floor. Most of the food in the fridge and cupboards is years out of date. Nowhere else is cleaned either, again I've helped with this where I can but to no effect.

- Linked to the above, a few weeks ago I found her ~2 year old eating discarded food off of the kitchen floor. It had fallen out of the overflowing bin.

Fireflyaway

You sound like a great helpful and caring friend but from what I have read I don't think social services would be worried about much of it. We all have different standards and if the kids are fed, there is no law to state what they should be eating. Some people are better at cleaning than others. People have different ideas of what is acceptable and what isn't. My mum thinks my house is messy where as I don't. I know people with houses full of pets that stink of chip fat and have clothes laying around yet that's their choice. The family are perfectly happy, its just how they are.
I think calling social services will damage your relationship and she needs your support, not to become more isolated. If the kids are not in danger I wouldn't bring in the authorities. Your friend will just feel like a rubbish mum and her mental health might get worse.
The self harming is different. That's a mental health issue that needs addressing so encourage her to see her GP.
As for money.... 50k? I have no sympathy. She needs to learn to budget.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Pollycat wrote: »

Absolutely.

Anybody who thinks the bits in bold below is 'no big deal' is - imho - very, very wrong indeed.

In the context of the other problems listed, it is the least urgent, and I doubt something that Social Services would ordinarily get involved with. It's part of the wider problem, but not something to get distracted by when the OP needs the mother to see a GP ASAP.

Is it worth writing to the head of the kids' school? I know it's the holidays now, but admin staff will be in before the first day of term. A calm, professional letter asking that staff be aware of the dietary problems at home, confirming that SS have been alerted, and leaving the OP's contact details so it doesn't look like an anonymous, malicious gossipy neighbour. The kids need as many people as possible looking out for them.

WorriedFriend2017

You seem more concerned with her finances than her and her children's health. How much money they have doesn't matter as long as it's enough to feed, house and clothe them, which it is, so don't worry about that.

Not at all, but it was part of my concern. She was very worried about the benefits cap last year and yes this would have left her in a difficult situation, with £400/month left over to pay for all bills, food, clothes, transport, etc, etc for a family of 5.

Part of my involvement was to help to get this sorted as I was hoping the additional money would mean they could live comfortably and all be fed properly as a minimum.

She doesn't tend to eat, often going from day to day eating only some sweets - but that shouldn't mean her kids don't eat!

I was worried previously, but less worried now that this side of things is all sorted. However, she needs to spend it properly (she has never budgeted and often not paid bills on time).

SS are going to review the details and contact her next week....

Pollycat

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

In the context of the other problems listed, it is the least urgent, and I doubt something that Social Services would ordinarily get involved with. It's part of the wider problem, but not something to get distracted by when the OP needs the mother to see a GP ASAP.

I'm not disputing the fact that seeing a GP is the woman's first priority.
In fact, I posted that the self harm was the most important thing.
If the Mother isn't well mentally, there's no way she can care for 4 children.

But to compare a 2 year old eating waste food off the floor to a 'untidy, unspotless home' and saying it's no big deal is unbelievable.
I doubt that Social Services would see it as 'no big deal'.