Worried about health of friend and children

Pollycat

WorriedFriend2017 wrote: »

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I'm very worried about a friend and their family, but do not know what I can do about it, or if there is anyone I can report it to who may be able to help? I will try to summarise the best I can but there are many many things going on.

Around 12 months ago I bumped into someone I'd known well at school and it was a great catch-up. What I hadn't realised was all that they've been through in the last ~20 years.

She is a single mum with four children, and until a few months ago was living in a privately rented house paid by housing benefit. Her ex left her around 2 years ago, only 1 month after her 4th child was born, claiming he never wanted 'all of this'. His family were still the guarantor on the private rental, and all he contributed to was Sky (which she didn't actually want, but he could never be bothered to cancel).

We've stayed in contact and over the last few months I've helped her to successfully apply for social housing. She received the keys to a lovely new-build house a few months ago, 50% cheaper to rent than her existing house which was truly awful. I helped to move everything and did general things where I could. She has also secured a part time job (16hr/w) so she is able to claim a few additional benefits and avoid the cap. This has given her a healthy income to live from - equivalent to £50k Gross, and she can live comfortably. Things like utilities and bills are also now cheaper which really helps too.

Now the issues, and this is where I've tried to help but have literally run out of ideas:

- She is worried about money, yet genuinely doesn't need to be. She is therefore not buying what I see as some essentials (i.e. enough food, and she doesn't eat most days). We did a budget together and it definitely isn't a problem.

- She is hardly buying any food for the 5 of them, the children are either given sweets/chocolate, cereal, share one value pizza each week, have bread to eat and not much else. Occasionally they will have fruit, but no veg, no meat. She may not eat but I feel they should really be having proper meals. She often forgets to buy food and regularly runs out, sending them to school without lunch. The kids range in ages from 2 to 8 so should have good appetites!

- She has never really cleaned. I have helped where I can but then find its the same again a week later. The kitchen is usually unsanitary with the bin overflowing and rotting food all over the worktops and floor. Most of the food in the fridge and cupboards is years out of date. Nowhere else is cleaned either, again I've helped with this where I can but to no effect.

- Linked to the above, a few weeks ago I found her ~2 year old eating discarded food off of the kitchen floor. It had fallen out of the overflowing bin. She didn't seem bothered by this but I cleaned him up and got him some fresh food in his high chair. He is also often in dirty clothes.

- She had been keeping multiple rabbits in cages indoors in her old house which were not cleaned out regularly. The faeces were regularly kicked out of the cages by the bunnies onto the carpet and her children then stepped in it, with the 2 year old often barefoot and spreading it around. This was never ever cleared up.

- The old house was a complete state, again I did tidy when I could but it didn't really help. I helped blitz the place when she moved out. In the new house she is yet to even unpack anything except for the essentials so they have been living off of ready meals and a few bags of clothes for months. No cleaning has taken place yet and the new kitchen is a complete state again.

- On top of all of this, she is self harming, often with kids still awake and in other rooms. I have found discarded blades lying around and in all manner of places. I dread to thing what would happen if one of the children got hold of them. Rather than sorting any of the above things she is often just on her phone all night. She has been prescribed supplements and vitamins numerous times (likely due to the lack of eating) but has never taken them. I'm worried that she is not looking after herself.

There are lots of other things that are 'not normal', but what would you do based on the above? I have offered help where I can, but I think she needs to try and somehow help herself. I was hoping that a new house with cheaper bills, all DD and less for her to think about would actually help, but unfortunately it hasn't. It's almost getting worse. The kids are my other main worry and they are often ill.

Sorry for the long post....

Is there anyone I can call on her behalf?!

You've left the most important thing to the last.

This is a clear indication that she needs medical help.

And her children need help too - to make sure they eat regularly & healthily and are living in a safe, clean environment - which they clearly aren't.

onomatopoeia99

WorriedFriend2017 wrote: »

Trust me, I've worked it all through with her. It's actually north of this figure if she received the correct maintenance from her most recent ex.

- Part time job income is approximately £500 per month.
- Housing benefit covers the social housing rent, approximately £900 per month
- Working tax credit approx £80 per week
- Child tax credit approx £225 per week
- Child benefit £260 per month
- ~£280 per month from previous ex for first three children
- Not forgetting no requirement to pay council tax and also no fees for prescriptions, glasses, dental, etc.
- + potential £200 minimum figure from recent ex (although not being received yet)

By my calculations that is £3,200 per month not including another £200 or so maintenance from the most recent ex. Correct me if I'm wrong. The eldest 3 are in school, the youngest goes to a childminder when needed.

Housing benefit pays out for people that have an net income of £2,300/month?

If that's true, no wonder this country can't afford to pay for the NHS

pmlindyloo

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Housing benefit pays out for people that have an net income of £2,300/month?

If that's true, no wonder this country can't afford to pay for the NHS

Having done a quick benefit check then this is entirely possible due to the number of children.

I would be very surprised though if she didn't have to pay any council tax.

OP, you seem to have done everything you can. Time to call in the professionals, even if it's just for the sake of the children.

Pollycat

WorriedFriend2017 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I really do think she is suffering from depression. She's been to the GP a few times, but for unrelated issues. They ordered bloods which found anemia, etc, hence prescribing the supplements which she never takes. She's very good at hiding it all so I doubt she spoke to the GP about anything else.

I don't think health visitors are involved after the age of one for the youngest, particularly in terms of home visits? Let me know if that is wrong though. Due to the benefits she was receiving, she received regular healthy start vouchers for food/supplies and also things like baby vitamins. She never ever claimed the vitamins, even for the youngest.

I have tried multiple times to have a chat and she knows I think some of the issues, but I do not want to feel like I'm forcing her into anything.

Difficult

Doing nothing means you are forcing her children to live in squalor (which will only get worse as things are not cleaned) and almost certainly live with hunger.
Lack of nutritious food will harm them.

You really do need to do something.
And that 'something' has been suggested several times.

You may find that she is not so happy to be your friend anymore after the authorities are involved but what's the alternative?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Plenty of people grow up in untidy, unspotless homes, it's a personal preference and no big deal.

Clearly the most important issue is the self-harming plus the blades being left around. That is not trivial and should be acted upon at once. Social Services need to be alerted as the children are at risk here. She needs professional help to get on top of this.

I remember in 6th form my best friend once brought in a big bottle of cider and drank it all during the morning. Now I liked boozey nights out as a teen, but I knew there was something just "wrong" about being drunk at that time, and in that environment. I told her firmly if she did it again I would instantly tell the teachers and her mum. That shocked her, and she didn't do it again. Sometimes you have to be blunt with the facts when you know something is wrong.

WorriedFriend2017

Housing benefit pays out for people that have an net income of £2,300/month?

Correct, I was surprised too but have checked and double checked and this is now her entitlement.

If she didn't work then the benefit cap would have applied and the total would have been something like £1666/month or £20,000 per year plus housing benefit. Take off £900 per month for rent (£1200 at the time in her private rental) and that left £400-£700 to cover absolutely everything else - food, transport, clothes, bills, etc.

With her part time work this cap does not apply, so it is £500 of her income plus the rest - total approx. £3,200 at the moment. Take off rent and bills, say £1300 per month and that still leaves nearly £2000 for everything else! The local council confirmed that she did not need to pay council tax, but I will check this again. Originally it was set at something like £20 per month and then this changed from April.

Having done a quick benefit check then this is entirely possible due to the number of children.

Surprised me too, her income was not much less than this prior to not working and the benefit cap not coming into play. The cap was introduced in September 2016 in this area.

On top of this she receives the free prescriptions, dental/medical care, glasses, etc. She also pays lower than normal bills for things like water as they have special rates for those on 'low income'.

I actually find it quite shocking, as my outgoings are greater and I work full time to support my family! Not her fault though, I just made sure that she was in the best position in terms for support for her and the children, and therefore went down the part-time work route so that she could support herself and the children without the need for the ex.

Thanks for all your advice, I am going to give social services a call, or possibly just the health visitor first.

cr1mson

Please call Social Services she and more importantly her children need help. It sounds like she is not in a suitable mental place to ask for help and therefore you need to step up and do it.

Your post sounds like you are reluctant and I know people often are but remember for every story you read about nightmares when social services intervened there are ones where social services have intervened to make things better. It just doesn't make good newspaper headlines.

Please call them.

LMG1305

Another one here for calling Social Services. I understand you're reluctant too as you don't want to upset your friend, but however bad you would feel about upsetting her, I'm sure you would feel 10 times worse if something were to happen to her or the children. I actually feel very concerned for the children & I don't even know them! It definitely sounds like your friend needs professional help & this will only happen if somebody speaks up.

KxMx

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

Plenty of people grow up in untidy, unspotless homes, it's a personal preference and no big deal.

True, up to a point.

It sounds like not even a basic level of hygiene or cleanliness is being achieved, to the point where a toddler has access to mouldy food that was thrown away.

That is a big deal to most people,and I think labelling it as untidy or unspotless is well short of the mark in this particular case.

rach_k

Please call social services. They won't do anything drastic unless the situation is really bad.

I wouldn't worry too much about dirt and I think most kids have eaten something disgusting at some point so that wouldn't bother me either, but the fact that they are not being properly fed is terrible and needs addressing right now. The younger ones are probably worst off but the older, school-age ones are about to join them as school lunches will stop for the summer. Unless you are prepared to go round and give them three meals a day, every day, you need to pass this on to somebody else who can make sure it happens. Another option might be to contact the older children's father, assuming he's still involved to some degree, but depending on the parents' relationship that may be a worse option (for the mother) than social services! Social services may involve him anyway if they thought it might help. Tell them the whole story and they should be able to help your friend get help for herself too.