KonMari 2017 - The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up

PollyWollyDoodle

I think if you're living with someone there's often an imbalance between what one of you thinks is acceptable and the other thinks is liable to bring health inspectors in! It's finding a balance between the two, and often (not always, I'm trying not to generalise!) it's the female in a mixed-sex household who ends up doing the work. Whether this is due to nurture, nature, social attitudes or habits, I'm not sure. It's certainly been my experience that my ex-OH simply didn't see when cleaning was needed.

Enough - today I have the gas engineer coming, I have Christmas cake ingredients spread over the kitchen but by the time he arrives they should be neatly tidied into cake tins and in the oven, no other tidying needed. I'm starting to like this new way of living! Am I going to wake up and find everything has sneaked back into the house and spread itself everywhere? I do hope not.

GreyQueen

Oh Minnie, my heart goes out to you.

I could cheerfully come over and duff up your lazy and disrespectful sister and hubby. Sorry to come over so judgemental, but it is what it is.

Your sister is freeloading on your household. Worse than freeloading, she is actively upsetting the smooth running of said household, and causing dirt and disorder by her selfishness. Given her neglible (and presently zero) cash contributions for cost-of-living, she should have been able to save up a deposit long before this, but I guess scrounging off sister and brother-in-law is just too easy. Even if she couldn't contribute cash, if she took on a realistic share of domestic duties, she would be contributing sweat equity to the household, but she doesn't even clear up her own trash.

An adult, or even an older child, can and should be expected to pick up after themselves, to identify what of theirs needs to be washed (properly washed!) and returned to communal areas like kitchen cupboards, to identify refuse and recycling and to place appropriately, and to maintain order and sanitariness in both shared areas and their own bedrooms. They should also understand that a supply of food in fridge/ cupboard is likely to be part of plans for upcoming proper meals and isn't something to be freely foraged for selfish snacking purposes.

A developmentally normal child or adult over ten can perfectly well execute any and all household chores, including the use of such archane appliances such as washing machines and dryers.

If anyone pretends otherwise in order to skive off, they're treating you with contempt. Unfortunately, there is an observable trait in some men; I'll do whatever she asks of me so badly, so grudgingly and perhaps break or spoil things in the process that she'll just stop asking and I can get on with loafing around.

It's this kind of behaviour which kills respect and love in a spouse and can be a major contribution towards divorce/ breakdown in cohabitation relationships (delete as applicable).

In life, what we end up with is a mixture of random chance and what we're prepared to put up with. If you continue to put up with these things, you will continue to experience these things. We only get one crack at life, each day that passes is lost forever.

Your sister and spouse are quite comfortable with the current order. You are clearly distressed and exhausted trying to cope with the fallout of their actions and inactions. The only question is, how uncomfortable do you have to be before you decide that you've had enough? And how much distess and discomfort are you prepared to endure to get a resolution?

Some people spend an unhappy lifetime waiting for other people to change their behaviours. Most adults are pretty set in their ways and seldom change majorly after the early twenties.

greent

Surely if sister can afford takeaways she can afford rent..? She is costing you money - and sanity. She is in your child's room and doesn't have the common courtesy to help out/ pay her way/ be grateful. And invites her fiance over at weekends so he can join in with the moaning and lack of manners.

Please take a stand. She is an adult not a child. Blood ties do not mean she can treat you like this x

GreyQueen

If Minnie had had a paying lodger for the same amount of time as her sister, she would have gained several thousand pounds a year in rent and also gained by not being expected to feed them!

Quick and harsh tactic. Get a 2018 calendar and mark an early date on (it is perhaps a bit too harsh to give someone marching orders this side of Crimble). Tell Scrounger Sister that you have marked X date on it for her.

On X date, a locksmith will be attending to change the locks. She will not be issued with a set of the new keys. Any and all possessions of hers which are still inside the property on X date will be placed in bin bags in the garden or out on the street and no attempts will be made to protect them from thieves or the elements.

Make it clear that this isn't a threat, it is a statement of what will be happening and that she has to get her lazy arris in gear NOW or she will be moving in with her boyf/ sleeping in a doorway..

Oh, and that chunk of meat? It's this Sunday's dinner and will be coming out to defrost on Saturday. If that's not OK with her, she can take it elsewhere..........

Floss

Minnie wot GQ & greent said ^^

Cruel to be kind, as Nick Lowe sang many years ago...

VJsmum

Showing your age, Floss!

I agree however, it will be tough, Minnie, but it looks like you're going to have to take a stand - for your own sanity.

I have taken a bit of a stand with DD - who seems to think that she can just move home and expect it all done for her now. She is charged with cleaning the bathroom she uses (I did the en suite, and it was the hardest thing ever NOT to do the main bathroom. Which is minging. But it's her ming and her stuff that's cluttering up the windowsill and other surfaces..) I have now put the cleaning stuff in there for her. The cheeky mare said last night "Mine is the tidiest room in the house at the moment" but did acknowledge it was because her stuff is ALL OVER THE OTHER ROOMS IN THE HOUSE... Not for much longer - tonight is a trip to the swedish warehouse, on Sunday (going to dads tomorrow and saturday) we are putting the furniture together and moving all her stuff into her room. it is a shame, as it does currently look lovely with very little in it...

Goodness, it's hard work living in a cluttered house, working round, digging out, climbing over... it's exhausting... OH said he'd do the ironing tonight - but I am not convinced he'll actually find it, let alone be able to get the ironing board out. While I do swedish furniture and removal of DD's stuff into her room, OH is going to paint her old room for DS. Hopefully by the middle of next week, his stuff will be in there, and one mattress from the landing (I know, I know - there's 2, the other is hopefully going on a local selling site, failing that freecycle). We might be able to move a bit more freely.

Floss

I know, I was a little bit in love with him and my bf of the time looked like him too :)

silvasava

Two box shrubs that were pot bound taken on freecycle today - yay - go me lol!!
Minne- it is too much for one person to cover all bases. I do wonder if your DH feels what's the point of doing something properly - if your sister doesn't bother why should he? However, none of that will solve the problem for you and I must agree with other peeps on here- all the while you sort it they will let you as there's no incentive. You're the one who is stressed and upset and maybe made to feel like the bad guy. You do need to take a stand with your sister - maybe quietly discuss this with DH and see how he feels too? Maybe a joint solution will emerge?

GreyQueen

Decided that a top I was wearing on Tuesday is too irritating and will go. It's nice, but annoying around the sleeves. I paid a princely 50p for it so can let it go off to the chazzer without feeling done.

I've laundered it, it will be ironed and placed in the charity bag that's forever on the go, to exit in due course.

silvasava, congratulations on the dining set and on the two shrubs.

Slinky

Managed to get some ironing done this afternoon. There's a lot built up as I was away at the new house last week. Still got a load more but it's a start.


The house is really messy at the moment. We got back late Sunday and just had to dump stuff where we could as my business stock came on Monday. This is gradually going and should be out by the middle of Saturday. Our garden has been pretty neglected for a couple of months, the grass needs cutting and everything else has been growing madly as its so mild.


I'm hoping for a day off on Sunday having only had one off since the start of /September, but even that will be spent on working on this house.


We have some viewings of the rental house taking place over the next couple of days. Hopefully we will get somebody suitable wanting it soon.