The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

[Deleted User]

It needs addressing Silveroldie, the longer the situation is 'idling' the more hurtful it grows and the more it unsettles the relationship. Dialogue is hard but needed to find the truth of her comments and what's behind them so you can see if it's fixable. If it is you've all gained and if it's not at least you know and the anguish can be dealt with because you'll know the reason for it. Be brave, she may be regretting her words?

greenbee

You don't even need to tell her you have a FB account. If her privacy settings let you see from FB you may well find you can see the details if you're not logged in.

But it definitely needs addressing. I suggest taking a screenshot (so it doesn't get deleted), and raising it with your DS. Maybe say that someone told you about it, and you're very upset - they may have noticed some awkwardness over the last year and this is why.

Mind you, we've had issues with my SIL and they came to a head. We all try, but you can tell everyone is trying, and my mum feels very unwelcome in my brother's house. Having said that, despite the issues, it's right that my brother puts his wife first - I have a friend whose husband always puts his mum first and that's just wrong. It's just a pity when there are issues that can't be resolved as people refuse to see what they are.

monnagran

Silveroldie, this is a boil that probably needs to be lanced. .Like you, I hate confrontation but it never hurts to let someone know how you feel.
Without attacking your DIL personally I would be inclined to tell your DS that you had heard that your DIL had referred to you as the poxy in laws and didnt really want you there at Christmas. Tell him how much this upset you and while you didn't want to fall out with anyone over it, neither would you feel comfortable visiting someone who obviously didn't want you there.

Why not suggest instead that they come and visit you on another occasion. Perhaps for tea either just before or after Christmas when you could exchange gifts, eat some Christmassy food and spend a couple of hours in each other's company.
Not long enough to be a burden to you or to them but long enough to make a point.

I think that you need to take charge of the situation and set out the ground rules. You are the parents and are not subject to their whims. Have them to you so that you are on home ground and can draw the boundaries.

Just think what a relief it will be to know that you don't have to go over to them and be admitted on sufferance. You can spend Christmas Day (its only one day for goodness sake) in your own home doing what you are happy doing.

Don't forget. You are telling them what will happen, not waiting for them to call the tune.
I wish you were my in-laws. We would have a super time.

x

P.S.. It will do your DIL no harm to let her know that you have heard what she wrote on FB. It may make her a little more careful in future. I think that FB is the work of the devil. It could be a great force for good, but the way people use it causes untold harm.

silver-oldie

Thank you

I knew you lovely folks would know what to do

shanks77

Silver I would also be tempted to tell her I had seen her message as it will always be in your mind. Could you suggest meeting at a pub or eatery nearby then you can leave any time without it being too awkward? Am so sorry you are in this position xx
Hope MrD is on the road to recovery
Hugs to anyone else who needs them xx

Sayschezza

If you can scroll down to the offending message and thank it, it should bring it back to the top and she will see it. Might help. Good luck.

camelot1001

Such a horrible situation SO, I would be inclined to speak to your DS first to tell him how you feel and what was said on FB but I wonder if he will say anything to his OH for fear of upsetting things between them.

I think the idea of meeting up at an eaterie is a good one and I hope it happens for you, my own DS1 didn't speak to me or his siblings for 6 years due to his slightly unhinged partner, they have now separated and things are getting back to normal.

I really hope you get to see your DGS, he deserves to have you in his life.

silver-oldie

Sayschezza wrote: »

If you can scroll down to the offending message and thank it, it should bring it back to the top and she will see it. Might help. Good luck.

Just tried to find the post, think she must have removed it. There were several comments from her friends, can't find anything but it was a long time ago and she posts a lot on fb.
Is there a short cut back to seeing Dec 2017 ?

ScarletRibbons

Silver-Oldie, I remember this, I thought it was very hurtful
If you let your Dil know that you know,it would make you feel better, and might make her feel a bit ashamed.

Even if it doesn't shame her, you will have got it off your mind.

fuddle

I remember when it happened as well. A very hurtful situation. If its worth anything Facebook, to me, is full of bravado, fibs and keeping up with the Jones' in terms of lifestyle. Who knows, it might be socially acceptable in her group of friends to slag off the world and by simply naming you 'poxy' gave her kudos in the world of her fb gang.

I would like to think she never meant it. She was fitting in with her small minded fb friends. I mean, to say something positive about inlaws just isn't cool right??

I have suffered with name calling. Long story short Mil and her daughter called me infront of my girls. My girls told me. I sat on it for a couple of months then told Mil what I thought when another situation arose that I had to deal with. MiL and I are slowly taking one step forward then one step back but her daughter has never been told I have umbridge with her. MiL hasnt got involved. Says its for us to sort out. I have no interest in sorting anything out with my SIL and it will sit and fester and fester until there comes a time that SIL and I meet. The whole family know about this and not one person has tried to be the mediator or cared enough to approach and fix. It's been going on for over a year now. I'm waiting for the day it's finally addressed and I can stop harbouring these negative feelings about SIL but am I 'eck initiating it. You know what the worst is? SIL hasn't a clue I know what she said, that I have a problem with her and its likely she's forgot what she said in the first place.

Coming from a similar position silver-oldie I really am not qualified to give you advice here but... imagine if she really thinks highly of you, that it was bravado, a quick silly fb post (her lack of security settings makes me think she has no malice really) that she has forgotten all about it and would be horrified if she knew you had harboured ill feeling about her all this time. You could broach it in a lovely calm way, hold her hand look her in the eye and show your hurt. I dare to hope that there would be tears and a hug in return. Xx