I've told my son to leave. I feel awful.

gycraig_2

In all honesty apart from the self harming thing it sounds just like me around his age (even the dyspraxia)

Used to think mum was out of order for wanting 100 quid a month rent. Never used to pay it aa spent all my wages on alcohol and had a toxic atmosphere in the house in general.

Mum eventually kicked me out we didnt talk for months and werent on good terms for at least a year, similair situation moved in with girlfriends parents but we eventually broke up.

Taught me a lesson when i had to stand on my own two feet and looking back i knew id been an idiot and eventually found myself sympathising with my mum for what i put her through.

We are very close now it may only take a little bit of tough love to make him rethink

Jo_F

Been there, done that, and still working through coming out the other side, and it all sounds so familiar, motorbikes, flakiness at work (he actually lost his job in December), spending a rather large inheritance in next to no time.

I finally flipped in March, we had a blazing row the night before, it was still simmering and I flipped and gave him 4 hours to get his stuff together and get out. He thought I didn't mean it, 4 hours later I was stood in his doorway supervising his packing of a bag. We had already changed the locks by then. He's been staying with a friend, keeps asking for the odd tenner and getting the hump when I won't give it him and this week has had to find a new sofa to surf.

It hurt having to do it, but it was strange being able to have chocolate etc in the house and not have to lock it up.

Be strong, you have done the right thing xxx

Robisere

You have done the right thing for yourself, your physical and mental health, your marriage and your home life. Do not spoil those advantages now, you have to harden your heart against your son for his own good. I know it's going to be hard, you gave him life and have tried for 21 years to make the situation work, but that takes both of you and all he is doing is just whatever he wants.

You make only small mention of his biological father: was he like that in any way himself? Was that why you parted? Maybe it's genetic, or if you parted when your son was young, perhaps it had an effect upon him. Whatever the truth, it does not make it any fault of yours. You have done your best, now leave your son to make the best he can of his adult life and try to get on with your own. I wish you all the best, the story you gave us is heartbreaking.

Chrysalis

Whilst I am not a fan of parents kicking their children out, that assumes the child has a respect for their elders and the person paying the bills makes the house rules.

From what you described your son has no respect at all, and as such I dont think you should feel bad. He is employed so has the means to fund his own living but of course we all know he is in for a shock when he finds out how tough it is without a billpayer subsidising life.

You never know, after 6 months of hell in private tenancy he may come crawling back, learning his lesson and if at that point of time you want to give him another chance then that would be the time to do so.

Geoff1963

Tough one.
If you'd let him stay, things would have become even more serious, until eventually you would have lost the ability to put a roof over his head. You didn't kick him out, you just made him homeless earlier than he was making himself anyway.

If you plan to meet up at some point, start with an "off-site" place. That way, you don't have to kick him out again.

Primrose

Geoff1963 wrote: »

Tough one.

If you plan to meet up at some point, start with an "off-site" place. That way, you don't have to kick him out again.

I think that's a very sensible suggestion. That way you retain control of the situation, and even if he starts tugging at the heart strings, he wont be in the situation where he can put one foot in the door. You can simply say "I don't think that's a good idea" and walk away.

System

He has constantly over stepped boundaries, smoking in his room, coming home drunk, coming home in the early hours, banging the doors, throwing up etc etc, all the normal stuff.

This isnt normal he is disrespecting you and your home. Ive gone through this and more with two of my three Sons and they were asked to leave.

Set the boundaries early on. Dont stray from them. Make it plain, make it clear.
If he does, he is his own problem and not yours. He's not a boy he's a man!

Energize

To be fair some of the stuff mentioned in the op is not here nor there, his performance at work really has nothing to do with you, neither does his frivolous spending and debt. Coming home late at night a bit drunk is something every 21 year old lad does from time to time, and your children being tardy in paying you back for things is often part of being a parent I'm afraid!

I'd focus solely on the big issues that directly affect you like the theft of money, it seems like he has some sort of psychiatric problem which need to be sorted if he's self harming like that.

Chrysalis

Well I never slammed my parents doors, puked up, stole money etc. from my parents. I wouldnt say thats normal.

If I did do something that displeased my parents, I learnt from it and it didnt happen again.

paddy's_mum

Energize wrote: »

To be fair some of the stuff mentioned in the op is not here nor there, his performance at work really has nothing to do with you, neither does his frivolous spending and debt.

It [STRIKE]£$%^&[/STRIKE]jolly well does when the said behaviour is impacting on others who have done nothing to deserve it and cannot escape it or who are picking up the financial shortfall or who are suffering stress and deep upset because of the idiotic choices made by this selfish, arrogant little swine!

When it's my front door being knocked by bailiffs or the Police, it becomes my business, whatever the legal niceties!