I've told my son to leave. I feel awful.

onlyroz

Definitely change the locks.

Red-Squirrel_2

Could you maybe write him a letter, explaining how he's made you feel the last few years, how you still love him and wish things were different and that while he isn't welcome to live in the house anymore because of the stress and suffering it causes you, that if he ever wants to talk about things and start to rebuild your relationship, you will always be open to that?

His behaviour is terrible, but you obviously still love him, and if he does come out the other side of this a better person with regrets I'm sure you want him to feel he can come back and be in your life, rather than feeling as if all the bridges have been burned.

powerful_Rogue

Reminds me of a similar situation a work colleague was in about 3 years ago.

Many issues with his son, similar age to yours. In the end it got to much. He packed his sons belongings up, dropped him at the local council office and told him he was now homeless.

After that, things changed drastically. Took a bit of time, but now he is like a changed person.

Colleague says that was the worst day of his life having to do that, but on the other hand it was the best thing he ever did.

Hopefully your situation will turn out in a similar fashion.

Mojisola

suzannewysiwyg wrote: »

He has told her what an awful mother I am and how i have destroyed his life.

he then looks around the house for razors which he breaks into litte pieces and drags violently through his flesh on his thighs, this is another turn to option that he takes if I don't give him the answers that he wants or if we approach a topic of conversation that he does not like.

My son tried to manipulate me again asking if I wanted a hug before he left.

He knows exactly how to play me, and this is obvious.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Could you maybe write him a letter, explaining how he's made you feel the last few years, how you still love him and wish things were different and that while he isn't welcome to live in the house anymore because of the stress and suffering it causes you, that if he ever wants to talk about things and start to rebuild your relationship, you will always be open to that?

I would be wary of writing such a letter so soon.

The OP's son is manipulative - tell him that the option is there to rebuild the relationship, he makes contact (without having changed his ways at all) and Mum stands her ground - he will be able to put all the blame on her.

Red-Squirrel_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I would be wary of writing such a letter so soon.

The OP's son is manipulative - tell him that the option is there to rebuild the relationship, he makes contact (without having changed his ways at all) and Mum stands her ground - he will be able to put all the blame on her.

I know what you mean, its tricky. It would need to be very carefully worded, and maybe it would be better a year down the line rather than immediately.

DCFC79

You haven't been too harsh in fact you have done everything possible to help him and hes just been a !!!!.

How can he make a mess of everything. Working at the same place as his girlfriend is just asking for trouble if he is tempted to make out with her.

I wonder how it work if he were to lose his job whilst living with the gf, would she be best pleased about it.

justme111

suzannewysiwyg wrote: »

and I see that love in him, when he is with his sister and his girlfriend and her son. Those attributes are still there, but he doesn't share them with me x

So it is not a failure.It is just not perfect.

supermassive

So you did everything for him to the point of mollycoddling, then complain when he's reluctant and incapable of taking responsibility for himself?

Hardly shocking, is it?

chesky

Careful. Once his g/f gets fed up with his funny little ways, she'll chuck him out and he'll try to get back.

*Robin*

Ryanfuego wrote: »

No no nO! This story made me really sad but remember, whenever you put everything in your child and he's just demanding everything NOW! that's not right, every parent is trying to to the best for their children but in your case you have crossed border which have had a bad consequences. Just do your best to deal with him call him back to home and be more strict with him.

Sorry but this "advice" would not help either mother or son.
The young man must make his own way in the world after treating his Mum so badly, breaking her heart.
If Son were fifteen years old - yes call him home, but at twenty-one he has already set out on his adult life so needs to accept the consequences of his bad decisions (unless the Son had learning difficulties or a serious mental illness, which - from what we have been told - is not the case here).
In time, hopefully the young man will return and apologise to his Mum and step-Dad, at which point the family can start again to rebuild a better relationship.