I've told my son to leave. I feel awful.

Primrose

I can understand your sadness and your sorrow at the action you!ve been forced to take but really you have gone much further than the extra miles. Yiu have gone 100 miles and still he hasn't changed his ways or yet learned to take any personal responsibility for his actions. He,s an adult now and in reality your over kindness to him has colluded in encouraging him to continue with his unacceptable behaviour.

So, no more ! Ever! Write him a short note if you feel you must, explaining that he is now an adult and must take responsibility for his own actions. Only when the purse strings and the facilitating stops completely will he start learning he has to grow up.

Your poor husband has had an awful time putting up with all this. You're fortunate he hasn,t walked out. Many men would have done Yet yours actually offered to try and help his stepson. Concentrate on him now and make a life for yourselves without your son. Be prepared for things to go further downhill for him. Not until he reaches rock bottom will he decide the only way to redeeming his life is through his own efforts. You have done your utmost. At some point you have to decide "enough is enough". This sounds well overdue in this case.

System

suzannewysiwyg wrote: »

he then looks around the house for razors which he breaks into litte pieces and drags violently through his flesh on his thighs, this is another turn to option that he takes if I don't give him the answers that he wants or if we approach a topic of conversation that he does not like. I have entered his room in the morning unknowing that he has self harmed and there are puddles of blood on his bedroom floor.

This is concerning and is not normal behaviour. I would be contacting the local mental health services.

tacpot12

I would expect you will receive visits from bailiffs at some point in the near future.

Make sure that anything your son owns is stored in his room. Ask him to collect it all, but leave your husband to do the handover if he wants to come for it. I would be out somewhere else when he calls as I expect he will make it difficult. Let him know you will point the bailiffs to his stuff if they come.

If he does collect it, then for a couple of years, only store stuff in his room you have a receipt for. The time will pass quickly enough, as will the pain of having to show some tough love. I expect your son will improve over time, but I expect it will take a long time, so just keep hoping that it happens sooner rather than later.

Best wishes.

Loz01

Wow what a selfish pig he sounds.... Id be mortified if I had treated my Mother like that.

Dont buy him anything, don't give him money and don't let him come bowling in next time him and his girlfriend have a row or her doesn't want to be around her child.

Dasa

Iv'e been through something similar. I didn't throw our son out but I told him to find somewhere else to live. He ended up living with his girlfriend and her parents. They did everything for him and he had an easy life with them.

We didn't speak properly for two years. It was awful and I felt like I was going through a kind of bereavement. Eventually he asked to talk with us. He surprised us when he apologised, no blaming us, said he had to grow up and although he was sorry for what had happened he was glad as well as it had helped him to grow up and he needed that.

We now have a good relationship which I didn't think we would ever have.

It will be hard, very hard, but stick with it and hopefully you'll all come out better for it in the end.

Sambella

I would not write to him.

Wait for him to come to you.

Raking over old ground solves nothing if behaviours haven’t changed.

Let him deal with the consequences of his actions, it is often the only way of getting through. If the debt collectors catch up with him and he comes to you for help you could offer support, explain how he could set up a payment plan or such like for example, yet not give monetary assistance in any way and be firm about that.

I think the worst thing about asking a child to leave for a mother is that it doesn’t stop the worry regardless of what’s happened. Quite natural. You reached your limit and had to do what you did.

Here’s hoping everything you have done results in all round improvements in time

suzannewysiwyg

Such a lot of very thoughtful answers thank you.

I have had no contact with my son since I asked him to leave on Sunday evening.

I have emailed his Father a very brief email, stating I have had to ask him to leave. It's up to him if he wishes to discuss any further.

The locks have been changed.

I would like to write him a letter, but I think you are right, now is too early, emotions are running very high.

He doesn't get on with his Step-Dad, his step dad is very strict, my son has been very disrespectful to him over the years. Although my husband has stood by us all throughout. My husband has attended all the school meetings etc, (My son is dyspraxic) his own Dad has been in the background a lot, although has always had contact with him and paid for him.

I hope his girlfriends parents, where he is living, don't spoil them. I think his girlfriend will want a place of her own soon enough. Then he will have to learn to pay bills etc.

I hope he comes out the other side.

Primrose

I'm surprised his girlfriend's parents are prepared to put up with his behaviour, given his closeness to their daughter and their grandchild as his standards don't augur well for their wellbeing either.

I suspect that eventually (and it may come sooner now if they start asking themselves honest questions why you have told him to leave) he may start to find that he's no longer welcome there either.

That may be the point when your son starts reflecting a little whether his behaviour needs to change. If that happens I suggest you still don't take him back living under your roof in case he regresses. Whatever happens now his only way is forward living as an independent adult, wherever that may be.

GeeAreDee

paddy's_mum wrote: »

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

which is very unkind

With respect, I disagree.

When an OP gets a very forceful response (however sympathetic) I believe that the 'context' needs to be shown. In this particular case, it is crystal clear from everything the OP said that this very unhappy situation has been going on, virtually unchecked, for a period of years.

With respect, I disagree with your disagreement.
I’ve had a situation where I posted something in response to a post and the whole thing started blowing up way over the top without full consideration of the contents so I edited the post but commenting that I appreciate someone had fully quoted my post so could not fully remove it. Luckily, it defused the situation in my case and things calmed down.

suzannewysiwyg wrote: »

…..He has borrowed money without asking, helps himself to things that aren't his, breaks them, takes them and only owns up when he is caught out, he then makes promises to replace/pay back but this never happens.…

I thought that was commonly called stealing.

Good luck Suzanne. Hopefully, your difficult times ahead are easier than your difficult times gone.

justme111

Primrose wrote: »

I'm surprised his girlfriend's parents are prepared to put up with his behaviour, given his closeness to their daughter and their grandchild as his standards don't augur well for their wellbeing either.

I suspect that eventually (and it may come sooner now if they start asking themselves honest questions why you have told him to leave) he may start to find that he's no longer welcome there either.

That may be the point when your son starts reflecting a little whether his behaviour needs to change. If that happens I suggest you still don't take him back living under your roof in case he regresses. Whatever happens now his only way is forward living as an independent adult, wherever that may be.

Usually children that are grief at gome are far more considerate to others.