The Nice People Thread, No.16: A Universe of Niceness.

PasturesNew

SingleSue wrote: »

Youngest had a bad fall last weekend damaging his shoulder and getting quite a nasty gash on it too, he didn't tell me until Monday when he said he was going to the general.

....
He actually should have gone to A&E but we didn't do any familiarity training with the hospital :

This is how I was when I had my fall the other week (which ended up taking 5+ weeks before I felt it was over and mostly done with).

I could find the Hospital on Google, I knew where it was. I even did a drive by ... but I wasn't confident about where to drive/enter, or how to get into the building, or if I'd end up being in the wrong building and then finding I had to go to the other one, while worrying about if I parked in the right place and how long I had ....

So I sacked it off and hoped I'd not broken anything

It's that whole "I don't know this system and I'd like to walk round it and know the system in a calm and orderly manner so I am familiar before I attempt it alone".



NTs won't get it

There is another Hospital; I'm kind of familiar enough with that one as I had an unexpected phone call at Xmas 2018 when my friend had an injury and phoned to ask me to take her to the Hospital. My God that'd have finished me off if it'd been me taking myself... but as I was just the driver and she was the focus of the visit, I managed to get through that experience (with only one minor ASD faux pas in the waiting room which could've had us evicted if the wrong person had spotted what I said/did). I can now go to that Hospital as I know where to park and where the door is, then where the counter is, then where you sit.

Trouble is, inside you're working on high alert. It's the PTSD side of things for me... high stress/anxiety and thoughts running like an out of control train. The slightest movement/sound/unexpected person and I'm ready to be scraped off the ceiling.

Never mind the hyper-stimulation of the environment, where you have to sit and wait. They're never good places to sit and feel "trapped" and unsure how long this wait will be, or what you'll be asked to do next.... etc

It sounds crazy ... but it's one of the reasons I haven't been to McDonalds... went in once with somebody, observed them ordering and the whole system seemed chaotic to me and I realised I'd never be able to cope on my own with going in, working out what I wanted, asking for it, knowing when it was done, then finding a seat and sitting/eating it and getting out in one piece

SingleSue

It's actually really refreshing seeing it from the perspective of another ASD person, usually if I tell people about their difficulties, they really can't understand what the problem is.

Youngest won't tell people he has an ASD, none of his flatmates know, barely any of his friends know. On the other side of the spectrum, middle son tells all and sundry...still doesn't mean he will do those things though.

Weirdly, youngest can 'do' the underground, middle son can't. Both had underground training in the build up to them making their university choices, more so with middle son as the uni he firmed actually required cross London transport, whereas youngest's doesn't. Today when middle son goes back to his uni town, he will travel to London on the train, get a taxi across London and then continue on the train, obviously this entails extra costs and is one of the reasons this is the first time he has been back since he completed his degree last summer.

To be honest, middle son barely manages the train journey on his own and gets incredibly anxious, more so when he reaches London. Youngest however, can jump on and off trains with barely any issues although he does have to have me on the end of the telephone while he does it and after sometimes weeks of studying google maps, photos of stations etc!

PasturesNew

SingleSue wrote: »

... can't understand what the problem is.

People not seeing what the problem is makes you feel very isolated from everybody else. You then withdraw so as to not have to have the conversation as "nobody's gets it" and they tell you they can't see what the problem is.

Interestingly, to me, Ozzy Osbourne came out this week as having a mild form of Parkinsons he'd been hiding and his words resonated with me.

He said "To hide something is hard - you never feel proper. You feel guilty. I'm no good with secrets. I cannot walk around with it anymore. It's like I'm running out of excuses."

That's very similar to the feelings you get. Guilt... and you just want to run and hide and not have to "explain" yourself to others, or say ... as you know you'll just get shut down, shushed and that chestnut "can't see what the problem is".

I never feel "proper". And I carry a lot of "guilt" at not being proper.

You can't say, but you can't not say. It's easier to avoid situations, withdraw, be quiet.

ivyleaf

PN Macdonald's now has machines where you can look at what's on order and decide what you want and pay by card without needing to interact with anyone, then it spits out a ticket with the order number on it and an electronic board tells you when it's ready, then you just go to the counter and tell them the order number and they hand it over. Mind you, my 12 y.o. DGD had to show me how to use the machine

Sue Poor youngest! Thank goodness he was able to look after his wound so well himself xx

Jazee

Hope it is positive for you Pastures.

With regard to McDonald's which I wouldn't necessarily recommend, why not try the drive through? Minimal contact.

PasturesNew

Jazee wrote: »

...why not try the drive through? Minimal contact.

It's not the contact... it's that things are unclear and need to be explained, but explanations rarely make it clear still...

... and then things go further wrong

... and then you have to try to understand what happened, replay it in your head, work out what to do - and, if it requires speaking to somebody (e.g. my veggie burger is a rare beef burger dripping with blood) ... it all goes downhill as you don't get somebody with a full brain listening to the words and responding in the correct way. Correct = "Oh, sorry, we will get you what you asked for". What you get = "Nuffin I can do about it, you must've asked for that".

Or a menu says "comes with fries", then it doesn't - and when you try to say "oi, fries, says so", you get some waffle about it being different, or not what it seems, or not if you've not spent £10, all in a dismissive tone.

Best avoided really

It's a case of going through life when you're doing nothing wrong, but you get the wrong outcomes - and when you try to "just ask" or rectify it you're made to feel "it's all your fault" and you're being awkward. For everything... everywhere... with all people.

Imagine if every time you spoke to somebody/asked something you always got the wrong/unexpected response. e.g. "Do you have this in strawberry". "We've got what it says". "Where's 'it'? I don't know where this 'it' is". Then the door shuts. You've encountered a problem, you've asked the question clearly, you've got an unusable reply and now that's the end of it. And you're left wishing you'd never asked/bothered. Imagine a life where that happened all the time.

Jazee

I can't begin to imagine how that must feel. I can see why you think you need to keep a low profile, but I'm grateful for your explanation and hope that the message spreads and more people become aware that some people need responding to sensitively. Some of what you describe though is just bad customer service.

McDonald's - probably best avoided anyway, says the woman currently eating a bag of shrimp and banana sweets.

SingleSue

Jazee wrote: »

Hope it is positive for you Pastures.

With regard to McDonald's which I wouldn't necessarily recommend, why not try the drive through? Minimal contact.

I have to speak for youngest when we go to the drive through for him, they tend to put him on the spot with questions he wasn't expecting and is not prepared for (would you like BBQ or mayo...it completely throws him)

Whilst at uni, he orders via an App and then it is delivered...no speaking to people needed apart from thanks when the food is handed over. Apart from chinese, he could have that delivered but that involves a phone call...he doesn't 'do' phone calls with strangers, so he walks there and they now know him so well and what his order will be they just start cooking it (the first time I wrote out what he wanted and he showed them on his phone). He also has me on the end of the phone so if a question is thrown at him, I can say how he needs to respond.

SingleSue

ivyleaf wrote: »

Sue Poor youngest! Thank goodness he was able to look after his wound so well himself xx

Dr Google was his friend, he researched wound care and went from there.

silvercar

PN, we all get confused. I ad my first ever visit to a Nando's last year and sat for ages before realising that you have to get up and go to the counter to order.

Also have been very confused on a flight when the starters and dessert arrived on one tray and I thought it was full of stuff I hadn't ordered. Turns out the main that I had ordered arrives later!

and who knew (flight again) that UK alcohol laws allow you to have champagne/fruit juice or water pre take off but not wine. :shrug: