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Short relationship ended

Feel pretty rotten. After 2.5 years single and many first dates, i met someone who i clicked with and we saw each other 3 months. Felt much longer though - went abroad for a few days, spent several nights each week together every week, got to know each others personality intimately.

Alas, issues/alarm bells started to crop her side...I won't give specific details, but some lack of maturity, selfishness, difficulty in compromise...And issues relating to their past affecting their self esteem, inner security etc started to crop up.

I was honest and open, maybe too honest at times, i wear heart on sleeve. Had a couple near break ups, last being a week ago.

Then they were the ones that dropped the bombshell ('need to work on self, thanks for highlighting issues, i need to not be in a relationship' etc), via text. I suspected something was wrong a few days ago.

I tried to call, and message tonight, no answer.

Feel pretty numb, sure it will hit me. I accepted their flaws, but not sure they accept their own or mine. I wanted to work through thing's. But their message suggests mind is made up.

Friends suggest they sounded immature, a bit selfish etc, so maybe i had a lucky escape. But you can't control who you fall for

Waiting for it to hit me...

Not sure whether i should have a break from dating or meet someone decent after all
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Comments

  • tacpot12
    tacpot12 Posts: 9,393 Forumite
    Ninth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Sorry for you. That sounds pretty rough. I would back off and give them the space they have asked for.

    They may change their mind, they may not; but they are unlikely to change on a fundamental level so you may well have had a lucky escape. It sounds like they might need you as a friend at points in the future, if you think you could still stay friends with them. If not, it would be best to move on. You will meet someone who is both good and right for you.
    The comments I post are my personal opinion. While I try to check everything is correct before posting, I can and do make mistakes, so always try to check official information sources before relying on my posts.
  • I remember your threads.

    I think you were warned not to be so, well, creepy and controlling with her, weren't you?

    Ah yes, here we go.

    https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/72267743#Comment_72267743

    You need to work on yourself, as I suspect her alarm bells were ringing considerably louder than any of yours.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • cashewnut
    cashewnut Posts: 362 Forumite
    Fifth Anniversary
    So she was, in your words, immature, selfish and didn't compromise. Why are you upset?
  • Hi,

    was she still using the dating site?

    Maybe got a better catch.
  • catoutthebag
    catoutthebag Posts: 2,216 Forumite
    edited 8 August 2024 at 1:41PM
    Hi,

    was she still using the dating site?

    Maybe got a better catch.

    Hi, no she wasn't. I trust her on that level. We spent every weekend together, and she was at work, parents etc during the week.

    Not sure it's necessary to ask such as stupid question, you may be bored, schools start next week.

    Thanks
  • catoutthebag
    catoutthebag Posts: 2,216 Forumite
    I remember your threads.

    I think you were warned not to be so, well, creepy and controlling with her, weren't you?

    Ah yes, here we go.

    https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/72267743#Comment_72267743

    You need to work on yourself, as I suspect her alarm bells were ringing considerably louder than any of yours.

    Not quite. That came up the one time early on and never again. It was moved on from. I was neither creepy or controlling and she would attest to that.

    Thanks for your support, you sound such a pleasant (and creepy checking posting history) yourself. Enjoy your weekend.
  • catoutthebag
    catoutthebag Posts: 2,216 Forumite
    cashewnut wrote: »
    So she was, in your words, immature, selfish and didn't compromise. Why are you upset?

    Well, not all the time, and as per my first post 'you can't control who you fall for'. We've all got flaws, no one is perfect.

    Eg im allergic to couple foods, and that cropped up as an issue with her, though i was honest from the start. She did start to accept it. We found ways round. But maybe it was too much a bombshell having loved particular cuisines. She could still eat those with friends and family. Never stopped her and actively encouraged her.

    Also didn't like any alone time herself, had to be around people, sometimes juggling me and friends on same time. Turned out it related to past events, which lead to issues around rejection, self esteem etc. I think as she said herself she likes her life as it is.

    It came up a month or two so ago she had cheated in a past relationship. I was shocked, she was upset telling me, i accepted and forgave her past and it was not brought up since
  • catoutthebag
    catoutthebag Posts: 2,216 Forumite
    tacpot12 wrote: »
    Sorry for you. That sounds pretty rough. I would back off and give them the space they have asked for.

    They may change their mind, they may not; but they are unlikely to change on a fundamental level so you may well have had a lucky escape. It sounds like they might need you as a friend at points in the future, if you think you could still stay friends with them. If not, it would be best to move on. You will meet someone who is both good and right for you.

    Thanks, though they've not asked for space. They said they have Made a decision that it is over and they can't be in a rship and need to be single to work on their issues. They thanked me for my wisdom, kindness, good times we had etc
  • Diary
    Diary Posts: 591 Forumite
    edited 22 April 2017 at 8:03AM
    Well, not all the time, and as per my first post 'you can't control who you fall for'. We've all got flaws, no one is perfect.

    Eg im allergic to couple foods, and that cropped up as an issue with her, though i was honest from the start. She did start to accept it. We found ways round. But maybe it was too much a bombshell having loved particular cuisines. She could still eat those with friends and family. Never stopped her and actively encouraged her.

    Also didn't like any alone time herself, had to be around people, sometimes juggling me and friends on same time. Turned out it related to past events, which lead to issues around rejection, self esteem etc. I think as she said herself she likes her life as it is.

    It came up a month or two so ago she had cheated in a past relationship. I was shocked, she was upset telling me, i accepted and forgave her past and it was not brought up since

    It sounds like you've had a really lucky escape. Her whining about your allergies......really stupid.

    It is creepy to phone her after she said she doesn't like you anymore, just let her go.
    Shes found someone else online and didnt want to play you any longer which is a good thing - you deserve better
    .
    Master Apothecary Faranell replied, “I assure you, overseer, the Royal Apothecary Society dearly wishes to make up for the tragic misguidance which ended so many lives. We will cause you no trouble. We seek only to continue our research in peace".
  • catoutthebag
    catoutthebag Posts: 2,216 Forumite
    edited 22 April 2017 at 8:23AM
    Diary wrote: »
    It sounds like you've had a really lucky escape. Her whining about your allergies......really stupid.

    It is creepy to phone her after she said she doesn't like you anymore, just let her go.
    Shes found someone else online and didnt want to play you any longer which is a good thing - you deserve better
    .

    Thanks. Though unecessary (and silly) to try dirty the water by your last sentence. You don't know if she met someone else online. So why state it as a fact?
    Personally, i could trust her, and i forgave her past as people make mistakes and can change. Why would you have been honest with me otherwise instead of lying which coulduld have caused me to run away there and then. Fact is, we spent every weekend and sometimes in the week together the last 3 months, she was open and honest about time in between that. Met her mum, some of her friends, they all knew of me. And trusted her. End of that matter.

    There was no 'whining' (i think your word choices are very poor IMO), but it was too big a pill for her i think

    You're right though - maybe i do deserve better. I've had issues in the past, I'm in a better place now, but seems like she hasn't confronted hers.
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