Not saying thank you for presents!

trippy

We save £100 a month for birthday and Christmas presents for family and usually spend between £5-£15 on a present so we don't go over the top. But lately I have just been getting so fed up with posting presents into an abyss and not even getting an acknowledgment that the present has been received, let alone a thank you.

So I am considering stopping giving presents to people who don't have the manners to say thank you. I know this is something that has been mooted on here before so I wondered how people went about it.

I am sure that some people will just assume that we are no longer exchanging presents - which I suppose will be ok as it'll be fewer thank you notes for me to write. But I would like to point out that it's because they never say thank you.

nm2000

I don't blame you at all.. My parents always bought us thank you cards when we were younger and we used to enjoy writing them. It is all down to politeness and manners. Now i am grown up and have children I do the same for them. They are always expected to write thank you's and I would be upset to think that when they have children they didnt do the same.

I wouldnt buy for people who didnt reply with a thank you, and I actually make my chldren ring up to say it too before they send the card.

trippy

I think it's what ever you were brought up to do. I have to remind DH to thank my family for his presents! But you would think that getting thank yous from me and my children twice a year would be enough for them to cotton on!

But I don't know how to approach it and what to say.

jamtart6

My friends are like that, never say thank you, even now that they are in their late teens they don't. Just results in no thought getting put into a bog standard present, and we don't really care if they hate it or like it, because we never get a thank you !! We can't NOT get them something because its too hard to go about it, but no thought and little money goes into their presents nowadays cos nothing makes them say thanks

I know...
how about a box of Thank You Notelets as this years Xmas present???? Think that'd give them the hint?

learning_to_save

Just out of curiosity, would saying thank you to someone when they hand you a gift be ok? I am a bit worried not just in case i have upset someone in my family. We always get the gift off the person direct not in the post and thank them straight away is this sufficient?

Hope you don't mind me asking just my son is getting abit older now so if I should be writing notes too it would be a good time to start this Christmas.

lts

jamtart6

My rules generally are:
*If someone hands it me direct, I say thanks there and then (eg. OHs Gran)
*If someone hands it me direct but don't see them often I politely send a note (eg. Friend of Family)
*If sent in post/don't see them I ring them to say thanks or send a note.

FAILSAFE: If in doubt, send a note!!!

learning_to_save

Thanks for the reply, as we see them and spend time with them afterwards (partying) then say thank you again when leaving I feel better about it, I will make a better effort to make sure my son learns to say thank you, allthough he is only 19 months old!! Still best to teach him young so that it is automatic for him to say thank you.

lts

VickyA_2

I've had this issue recently with DH's family. We gave his BIL a present for his birthday in August, but sent it via MIL. We haven't had either a verbal thank you or a written thank you. I did tell MIL about this (who is a stickler for manners) and she said that she'd have a word - which no doubt she did. :rolleyes: Anyway, no thanks has been forthcoming, even though we saw him on Saturday. (verbal or otherwise)

It was our nephew's birthday on Saturday (son of BIL) and although he's 3 and I don't expect a massive gush of thanks, I felt that he could have been prompted to say "thank you" whilst he ripped off the wrapping paper. Other friends with similar aged children do it. Nor did we get a scribble or words of thanks for last year's Christmas present - we didn't see them over Christmas.

I'm all for not sending presents this Christmas, but DH is of a slightly different opinion! I resent it because it's me who ends up doing the buying!

bestpud

To place a different prespective on this...

I think it depends a lot on how people have been brought up! By this I mean that in my family (and manners are important to us!) we have always simply said thank you on receipt of the gift or verbally next time we see them.

OH's family on the other hand are more likely to send a wirtten note as well as saying thanks verbally. My mil does so without fail and for anything she is given (items, or help with something, or if she comes for a meal etc etc).

The big difference, I feel, is my family are all local and there would be no need to ever post a gift or pass it on via a third party.

Tbh, I've always made sure my children write thank you notes after their birthday parties (for coming to the party and for any gift/card they bring). But I have never thought it necessary for them to write a thank you note to any family members for xmas or b'day presents they receive. However, I would not be happy if they took a present (or anything if it comes to that) without saying thank you! But if not handed over in person I would just make sure they thank them the next time they see them.

At risk of being shot down in flames, I'm not sure I would automatically consider a child rude for not writing if I'm honest. Isn't it one of those things that is considered less of a social faux pas (sp?) as time goes on - rightly or wrongly? To some children it will be an alien concept through no fault of their own I guess?

hellies

This infuriates me! when we were kids we either had to phone relatives or write to them to say thanks, being a bit shy we always opted for the latter. I would never not say thank you for a gift, and take great effort in writing thank yous from dd as she is only 2 (have done this since we received gifts when she was born!) as I would hate for people to think we just open her pressies and then thats it. I actually enjoy doing it, oh's family think I am abit mad but they do say they keep them all, I just explain that I don't like the thought of people thinking we are not grateful for gifts.

kethry

to put a different perspective on it..

Growing up, i always had to be pushed into doing thankyou letters. I hated it. Not so much writing, but because it had to be a letter, to people i didn't speak to very often, and i just never knew what to say. but to my mind, the worst thing, was that for many of the people i wrote thankyou notes to for their presents.. i didn't get one back. It just seemed terribly unfair when i was a child.

As i got older i had ... issues with my family (not helped by an interfering abusive partner, who is now very very EX, thankfully) and part of that was the whole thankyou letters. It got to the point where i felt that they were emotionally blackmailing me into writing to them, by giving a present just so i would write to them (i was very screwed up for a while). So i just didn't do it. All this came to a massive head when an uncle got fed up with me not writing thankyou letters and he wrote me a letter where he vented his anger, called me (amongst other things, a !!!!!) and that triggered a massive rift which is only now, 4 years later, starting to be healed. While i send thankyou notes now, i do them as handmade *cards*, rather than letters, and i send proper letters periodically to those who I know want them, so i don't feel, come birthdays/christmas that the present is an emotional blackmail into keeping in touch with them. I think this is a great thing for kids to do as well, instead of making them write letters, let them do a picture with a thankyou along the bottom, which i was never allowed to do (depends on the age of the kids of course). Gives the people concerned a unique individual touch, without forcing kids to spend hours doing something they really don't want to do.

my point is: while this may not apply to your families, please note that the whole issue of thankyou notes may not be down to being ungrateful so and sos, that things are rarely clear cut, and that venting in one big blowout in the way that my uncle did is rarely constructive or useful.

I think as well that asking other people to be your "go between" in saying thankyou or not is not a good thing - it can put strain on the other person's relationship with the person you have an issue with. This was something else my family was very good at doing - if they had a problem with me, they would speak to my mum, and it always left me feeling about 8 years old. A few years ago when Mum had passed on another message i turned to her and said something along the lines of "look, if they have a problem with me, they can tell me direct, instead of getting you to do their dirty work. Stop letting them taint our relationship." and she has, and things have been much better since.

sorry if this is a little OT and personal.

keth
xx