£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

Humdinger1

TOPM,
Having been through a process very like this re EH, this is a big step forward.   So glad that the mediation is helping; even I at the start (pre-LBM) was horrified by the cost but it was well worth it.  Interesting that EH isn't much of a numbers dude; do you feel that your relationship suppressed this talent in you, because it's clearly one of your many strengths.   You're so close to the sunlit uplands; how you manage to combine this with having your feet on the ground is inspiring.   The children will benefit massively from a clear, high quality time schedule too.  Where's the jaunt with NC? Just the job after all the stress.  Love Humdinger x

Sea_Shell

I don't know much about DMPs, but would it then preclude XH from remortgaging into his own name (if he does take on the house), or remortgaging into a new (cheaper) deal in the future?

I realise that's not "your" problem as such, but does need to be considered that it is financially doable for him too, long term, especially if the kids will live with him part time.

Could he end up stuck on a standard variable rate?

Onebrokelady

Brilliant news about the mediation going well and your right there are lots of children out there who have to go to after school club because their parents work,it's just the way of the world now, looking on the bright side, it does help them with their social skills and i think probably helps them later in life when it comes to Uni etc 

PurpleFairy26

Lovely to see the mediation working and that you are moving forward. Looking forward to hearing update after your chat about finances and what stepchange said. 

Do uou use childcare vouchers for before school and after school club - assuming they accept them? You can pay in to it now as the new(er) scheme allows SE. 

Honeysucklelou2

It’s good to read that your mediation is helping your situation to move forwards. 

Treadingonplaymobil

Goodness, what a hard week. I had a massive drama yesterday when XH attempted to claim that the childcare schedule he'd agreed in mediation was 'provisional' and he might yet make changes, which I hit the roof at, but even though he still thinks it was 'provisional', he finally confirmed it and has agreed to start in mid-March, which is the important thing.

The second massive drama was trying to sort the house. I think I mentioned that the DMP (which neither of us have entered into yet) opens up options for XH keeping the house. We tried to discuss it on Thursday and ended up having the most blazing row. For some reason XH is completely convinced that it's reasonable for me to walk with some debt but no equity from the house, whereas I have always felt we either split both or one person keeps both - there is no middle ground where someone gets to keep the house and the equity and doesn't keep all the debt. For me it's because if I enter into a DMP I need to have some of the equity too, with a view to making full and final offers on the debt as soon as possible - whatever happens, I won't be walking away with buckets of cash, it's more about how I get myself back to zero as quickly as possible. If I don't take any equity but enter into a DMP, I have no realistic way of freeing myself from it. Anyway, the argument was so grim that I have now said I won't enter into any discussion outside of mediation - my mental health is just too shaky for me to be able to do that.

The combination of house and childcare dramas this week has made it really hard for me to maintain my usual 'it'll all be ok in the end' attitude, and it's been a bit rough at TOPM HQ, but I've woken up feeling a little more human today, and I'm currently drinking tea, contemplating some yoga, and planning a day of work, but not super stressed manic work, just gently making progress on a project which I'm quite enjoying (and which is paid by the hour, so every hour I work is actual real money in!).

I've also begun the claim for Universal Credit to pay a proportion of the after school club fee for the children, which is another thing that's been on my to do list for a while. It'll be really good to get that covered as putting them in childcare a couple of days a week will make working so much more manageable.

Humdinger1 thank you so much for the kind words! I definitely feel like I've found my financial feet since separating from XH. The key now for me is to hold onto my control of it until I know the true picture of my finances, then start planning my new life from there.

Sea_Shell yes there is that issue with the DMP, and also the (more significant) issue that one of the debts is in joint names, and it seems that if one of us enters into a DMP, they'll just chase the other, so I could end up effectively forced into a DMP or similar. XH is speaking to step change next week about this and hopefully we'll be clearer on the options.

Treadingonplaymobil

My other challenge for the weekend is doing two week's worth of food shopping (bar fruit and veg)! While I'm away with NC, my mum and XH will be splitting the care, and I need to make sure there's enough food for both of them. Neither of them are fans of cooking from scratch so it's going to be expensive as I'll need to stock up on things like fish fingers etc. Am also going to batch cook some macaroni cheese, cottage pie etc over the coming week before I go, to keep costs down.

Humdinger1

TOPM
Good lord! In what possible world does EH think it's right  for you to have debt but not equity! I can't even.....and am sure that mediation will help him see this! TOPM, I know you've always been fair about taking responsibility etc, but is this another LBM re where much of fantasy (and not in a good, sensibly aspirational way) that you're now ditching in favour of your own outlook came from?  You can totally do this, you're on top of it and if you didn't have the odd moment of feeling overwhelmed,  you wouldn't have your feet on the ground - and you do!  I hope you're feeling all the support and appreciation that exists for you on here; you were badly missed.  Keep on posting and please remember how awesome you are.   Love Humdinger 

Humdinger1

And yes,  you're so right to keep all this for mediation! If it wasn't so negative,  I'd be looking for rude, pointed emojis to represent your EH.  

Honeysucklelou2

Hope you have a relaxing day today.  Discussions with exes can be so draining.