£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

Onebrokelady

Oh dear, that's not very realistic or fair of your XH to think you could walk away with debt and no equity, how in the world has he arrived at that conclusion 🙀

Chrystal

Seems he's doing it again... living in fantasy land and expecting you to 'take it' or sort it out.  Time for him to face reality.  Definitely keep all decisions for the mediator to sort......(((HUGS)))

Moreplease

Perhaps though, as you’ve said XH isn’t great with money, he’s panicking at the reality of the situation? The responsibility of the mortgage AND the debt is huge. Do you think he’s had his LBM yet? You’ve got such a good grasp of the numbers and budget now How on Earth is he going to manage without you putting all of the work in to make the numbers balance?
 Enjoy your break! 
Ps. Welcome back. I’ve been a long time lurker and am delighted you are back! X

Treadingonplaymobil

I think the issue is that XH has NEVER dealt with the reality of money. He was in (£20k) debt when we met, and our relationship has been a cycle of getting in and out and further into debt. I am absolutely not blameless in it, but I think I’ve always shouldered the vast majority of the ‘blame’ inside my own head, when actually it’s much more equal or maybe even more XH.

I absolutely don’t think he has had any sort of LBM, and I do think he is panicking/unsure what to do. The thing is that selling the house is still a very real option, so it’s not like he’s got no choice in whether to keep the debt/house. I think the issue is that no one can make that choice for him, so for the first time he’s really having to bear his own weight, financially speaking, and he’s quite panicky about it.

As well as starting the childcare claim, I also messaged universal credit to see whether my benefits would change if I moved into a rental rather than paying the mortgage - I have no idea whether it affects the housing portion of my universal credit income (anyone know?). I know that XH is in no rush to sort things because although we swap in and out of the house for childcare, he spends the majority of his time in a rented studio flat that is actually really nice, and I’m spending the majority of my time in, essentially, a building site. I think if I could move out and he could move back in (he could hardly refuse if I could make the maths work, because it would mean we would each have our own homes where we could have the DC), it would improve my mental health and might also galvanise him into sorting some stuff out because his life wouldn’t be quite so comfortable. Probably I can’t make it work because probably my benefits are unaffected by moving into a rental, but even taking control enough to check feels like a tiny bit of me wresting some control over my destiny back from XH, who currently holds a lot of cards when it comes to my ability to move on from my current situation.

Moreplease

Such a lot to think about 🤯 
It must feel overwhelming at times. Remember to breathe and switch off. A break away sounds like it’s coming at the right time! 

dawnybabes

There’s a really good Facebook group called universal credit essentials - lots of really good info on there 

Sea_Shell

At least by selling the house, you have a definite final figure (value) to work with, as you'll know it sold for £XXX, less costs.    You can then see exactly what equity is left, and, along with the debt, make a split once and for all, and you both then have a firm "starting position" moving forward.

However, if keeping the house, whose to say what the "value" of it is, especially with the outstanding works.   You could both get figures from EA's that could be £000's different to each other, and then what figure do you use as the "value".  I'm guessing that if XH keeps the house, he won't necessarily spend the money getting the works up to a saleable level of completeness.

Unfortunately "amicable" can have a habit of evaporating once it starts to get "real" on the money side of things!

I really hope you can find a way through this.

Verbatim

Could you each use a shre of the house sale as a deposit on new properties and work on debt reduction thereafter? Or are your credit scores too low to be able to source mortgages?

kindofagilr

Hugs, that is a lot of things to deal with, I hope he sticks to the childcare arrangements now he has agreed them x

Treadingonplaymobil

Hello! Feeling a bit more positive than I was when I last posted, helped along by all the nice comments here as well as a good Sunday with NC and a slow day today with the DC because of half term - only one of them is actually dressed so far.

I am convinced XH is so convinced he should have all the equity/only a proportion of the debt is because of his lack of understanding of money - he has just never taken it on like I have, and all the responsibility is probably terrifying and confusing. But that doesn’t mean I should make myself financially vulnerable to ease his stress. Chrystal you’ve definitely hit the nail with him living in fantasy land and expecting me to suck it up or sort it. His refrain for the past six months has been a repeat of ‘but I want... (insert childcare schedule fantasy/financial fantasy/living arrangement fantasy here)’ and sitting back and waiting for me to make it happen. I have exacerbated this because he was SO difficult in the early weeks that I agreed to the most insane schedule and financial arrangement just to get him to move out, and now I’m trying to claw back some semblance of equality.

Honeysucklelou2 the voice of experience there! I am amazed how exhausting I find it trying to resolve things with XH these days, or even communicate with him about parenting or whatever. Living in entirely separate houses simply cannot come soon enough for me.

Verbatim I don’t think either of us would get mortgages - I certainly wouldn’t, with a deposit of maybe £12k and an income of around £10k, along with any debt. XH would be in a similar boat except higher income (although the debt is mostly in his name so in sheer legal terms his affordability is also fairly poor right now).

I have put the childcare arrangement in the calendar and told XH that unless he asks for any changes by the end of this week, I’m taking that as set in stone until our agreed review date of the start of the summer hols.

I have arranged a new mediation session for 6th March because I want to keep things moving and am absolutely rigid that I won’t discuss this whole thing outside of mediation now.

I know the whole process is exactly that - a process - and can’t be rushed, but I find it so difficult that we separated 7 months ago now and are still not really a lot nearer to sorting out the house than we were last summer! I mean I suppose we’re both a lot clearer on the realities, but in terms of actually making a sale/buyout happen we’re still miles off. I really hope the next mediation can begin to advance things.

As I have felt since the split, I am feeling so certain that me earning more is a huge key to the whole thing - I currently hold zero financial cards and XH holds what feels like all of them. I am trying to balance earning more with ensuring the time I have with the DCs is good quality and that I occasionally see NC occasionally, and finding it really tricky, but I’m hoping the new childcare schedule (which comes in on 9th March) will help a bit as I will have more time with the DCs and, crucially, less broken up time. It will mean I need to use more childcare but hopefully UC will help with that in the short term, and I will actually see a real increase in my salary over the next couple of months. I am still so wary of pushing myself too hard after the ridiculously awful tail end to 2019 though, where I had illness after illness, culminating in being too ill with a bladder infection to travel home to my DCs until late Christmas Eve, instead of spending the whole of that day with them. It was the first time when pushing myself too hard impacted on the DCs rather than just me, and it was a real wake up call about what’s actually possible when you have the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else.

I’m aware this diary is far from a debt busting one at the moment, but I’m grateful to you all for hanging around while we wait to see exactly how my finances will shape up.