£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

XSpender

Hello!  I didn’t realise you were back!  How did I miss that??
Sorry to hear you and XH have separated but great to hear how positive you are.

Treadingonplaymobil

Hello everyone! Found my way in to the new forum. Very shiny and snazzy.

I have a question to start with today: is there a link to an easy-to-understand version of the 'MSE method' of doing the whole DMP thing (I seem to remember reading advice to stop paying debts for a couple of months, build an emergency fund etc). Is this the same thing Stepchange will advise? Long story short, XH and I (maybe just him, but potentially me too) are considering a DMP to ease our finances. The reality is that running two households is putting huge pressure on our finances, and now that we're looking at selling the house at some stage, the affect it has on our credit record really isn't a huge concern. There is also some hope that if we sell it we might be in a position to make full and final offers of a smaller sum than the debt total, since the equity won't cover the entire debt. Most of the debt is in XH's name, but one (£25k loan) is joint. We don't have any sort of legal financial agreement in place yet, so I'm assuming we're jointly liable for everything still since we're married, so it will probably have to be both of us doing the DMP. XH is planning to talk to Stepchange next week, but I wanted to arm him with as much DMP info as I can before he does.

OK, back to today... Chore chart is continuing to go well. Not perfect, but the DCs are really loving getting stuck into cooking, and there's much more of a feel of us being a team running the house, rather than one slave and three small overlords.

Verbatim I have obtained child locks for the cupboards! Currently have almost all food stored in boxes on high shelves to protect from the dog, but will do child locks and switch cupboards around over the coming weeks.

MatyMoo gosh, that is a change, isn't it?! I haven't read back my old posts for a long time. I like how I've come round to doing these things in a way that feels right for me and the DCs - I could never frame chores, for example, in my head as a positive thing for them, but now I have and have been able to explain it to them as such, it feels like a good thing for all of us.

Sea Shell yes, I've met XH's new partner. She seems really lovely, also has DC (unlike NC), so that's an extra hurdle they have to jump, but also means she has more idea about the realities of life with kids than poor NC, who is being somewhat thrown in at the deep end.

The DC had actually come across NC before XH and I separated - he was a distant acquaintance of the family - so it hasn't been a big and terrifying introduction (although scarier in a way, as I've been worried about DC1 thinking I had an affair - not sure if kids' minds work that way, and I didn't(!), but it was a worry).

What else is going on? Oh, I annoyed myself on Friday by getting a food shop delivered by mistake! I thought I'd booked it for Monday and had filled the trolley with roughly what I wanted but not gone through and done my usual careful editing, and then it suddenly showed up unexpectedly on Friday! Luckily it was almost entirely basics like root vegetables and tins, so nothing will go to waste, but it will take a little while for the accidental overspend to level out again with future cheaper shops. And the DCs will get a little extra fruit this weekend, but that's hardly a total crisis. We're also still eating the contents of the freezer - still a handful of portions of vegetable soup, a big nut roast (which the DCs dislike but luckily I sliced before freezing so have been having a slice when they have a lazy meal like beans on toast occasionally), a couple of meals worth of leftover homemade curry, two packs of sausages, a packet of bacon, and miscellaneous frozen fruit and veg. I reckon we can probably get through the best part of another week with that and the silly food shop, might need to just do a little top up before XH is here with the DCs for the weekend.

Am trying to really look after my mental health at the moment - I've been aware how much more generally emotionally exhausted and frazzled I've been over the past couple of weeks. No one single thing (indeed, things are easier in many ways than they have been for months, with XH and I getting along well, and the DC being ok with NC being around), but I think the cumulative effect of so many exhausting months is really catching up with me, and I'm having to be really gentle with myself. I'm not quite sure how to prioritise self care when i'm so busy with DC, NC and trying to work every spare moment in between, but I'm aware that I'm going to end up not in a great place if I don't take it in hand now.

On a self care note, I love knitting, and have just taught myself to crochet! It's made me really happy. Planning to have a bit of a handmade gift year this year, ideally using up my current yarn/fabric stash so it's all cheap/free, and am going to make amigurumi for as many children's gifts as possible - planning to start a little stash of presents asap. It's really satisfying how quick crochet is compared. Tempted to buy a pattern book like this one, but there are loads of free tutorials online so going to see how I get on with those first.

foxgloves

Don't forget the library for knitting/Crochet patterns, TOPM. I don't crochet (well, I can knock out a granny square if required) but am a good & confident knitter. I am almost a Paragon of Sensible Money Decisions these days but as confessed throughout the course of my own dfw diary, have been a Spendy Madam in the past. I have been operating a ban on buying new yarn for over a year now - to be fair, I did buy some yarn to knit a specific gift for Christmas - but most of my knitted gifts were created from my seemingly endless yarn stash. It is surprising how many things can be made from 'shopped from home' yarn. Anyway..... to get back to library books. I currently have a couple of great ones on loan & will defo be using a Scandi-style mitten pattern for gifts, as well as some pretty designs for hand-knitted Easter eggs so that I can add a couple of new decorations to my Easter tree without spending any money.
F

Onebrokelady

It's great too see you back TOPM ,I read your diary from the beginning and found it really inspiring and funny ( will never forget washingbowlgate 😂) I'm so sorry to hear about your split with your husband but happy to read that you both seem to be handling things in a way to suit you and your family,I really do hope everything works out for you and that you carry on with your diary 

Have you checked out the DMP support thread on the Debt Free Wanabee board,someone inthere might be able to advise you 😊

Humdinger1

TOPM,
It is indeed fab to see you back; as usual, you're provoking some deep, maybe even existential questions! Now that your budget is set and implemented by you and your principles alone, you seem so much happier while spending less money.  I've started to ponder on how much debt is created or worsened by people being forced to compromise too much.  Not by coercive partners but by social expectations which cut you off from your true self?  MSE is one of few places where it's ok to break out of the glossy mag mindset.

Anyhow, congrats again; onwards and upwards! Love Humdinger x

ratters7470

I'm inclined to agree here, I sometimes feel obliged to keep the OH/kids in the manor they have been accustomed to and its hard to get out of that mindset.
I feel its a self perpetuating thing that if you you find yourself in a bad financial position it can easily make it spiral.

Isitdoable

Really great to hear you talking about self care and watching your mental health.  I think we are all very guilty of thinking 'phew we made it through that' when something stressful happens, but then forgetting that it is normally afterwards it catches up with us!

Sea_Shell

I agree with Onebrokelady that it would definitely be worth checking out the DMP area of the forum, if that's the route you're considering.   

As for your future living arrangements.  Is it your plan to move in with NC, along with the kids?  Does he have room, or will you have to find a new place together?   As you say, it's going to be a culture shock for him, having 3 kids around, but if he's up for it, he definitely sounds like a keeper!!

Have you any idea yet of how your co-parenting will pan out?   Will XH have room in his new place (wherever that will be) to have the kids too?

My sister has 3, so I know what logistical issues they can bring with them.

enthusiasticsaver

Many people have said actually going on to a DMP has relieved the pressure a bit so I agree contacting stepchange to discuss your position is a good one. It would pose a problem though if either you or XH wanted to buy again after selling your existing home as you would have to default on the loans/credit cards and that would remain on your credit record for 6 years and stop you borrowing further. Whose name is the debt in mainly? 

PurpleFairy26

You definitely need to build an EF up before going on a DMP, they also likely won’t include the family loan (I think) so you’ll need to think about how that might be paid back. But well worth exploring particularly as you have learned so many excellent budgeting skills in the last couple of years now seems a good time to explore it.