£67,031.92 is a frightening number indeed....

apple_muncher

I am sooo chuffed that you are back, topm! Overall, you are very serene about what has happened and how to move forwards. Go girl!

Humdinger1

TOPM, it may be that mediation helps - but if ex OH doesn't get a LBM, he may have to have it explained in court.  The legal requirement (from memory) is mediation first; but there comes a point where, if it's plainly futile, the judge has to decide. Is it worth asking the mediator how long she thinks it's likely to take? It sounds as if ex OH may need some therapy,  it sounds deep seated. You are doing brilliantly by not getting sucked into his fantasies.   Onwards and upwards Humdinger 

Treadingonplaymobil

Chilling out in the bath while DC and dogs trash the house. Seems like the only reasonable response to half term!

I feel a bit bad that the DCs aren’t having a wildly exciting half term, we’ve mostly hung out at home so far, although we’re seeing friends tomorrow and Friday. DC1 and 2 were pretty ill on Monday, we had to cancel plans to see a friend on Tuesday because her DCs were ill, and I don’t have a ton of spare cash. I’m also slightly stuck because I have contract work I HAVE to do this week and because XH is only doing overnight tonight from 3pm till 9am tomorrow (agreed because he is doing extra next week to help out so I can go away with NC, but perhaps I was a little generous since he’s actually only doing about 36 hours extra, my mum is covering the rest 🙄), I have to squeeze it in around the DCs, household chores and batch cooking for when I’m away, which means being at home a lot. Nonetheless, mum guilt is running wild, especially as XH’s mum is helping him do loads with the DC (at least, I think she is. Possibly he’s just tapping his savings pots), so they are having a much better time with him. He also gives them extra screen time and, on Sunday, pudding for dinner. Probably I need to chill out and do some of those things, but it feels like he does them so much that he’s taken the whole ‘allowance’ of it and I need to step up and be the responsible one.

Humdinger1 I actually agree that XH needs therapy - he has LOTS of baggage from a sub par childhood (not horrific, but a fairly passive lazy mother who was terrible with money, and a bully of a father) that he doesn’t appreciate have had an impact on his life.

I am SO excited about going away on Saturday. I’ll miss the DCs a lot - longest I’ll have been away from them for years, just over a week - but the downtime is badly needed, and since NC has been thrown in with the DCs over the past couple of weeks it feels like we need to remember what ‘us’ looks like too. I don’t want to ever risk getting so mundane and transactional with him as I did with XH. Although actually the whole relationship is so utterly different I don’t think that’s really a risk. and OMG it’s made me realise what a passion-killer being the one in charge all the time was. XH actually felt like another child for the vast majority of our relationship, and I’ve recently been struck by how much he’s passed his thinking responsibility onto his new partner, having to check schedules with her etc (not just the big childcare one, but simple shifts or ‘can you take the DCs swimming on your weekend?’).

I need to get my head back in the ‘build a financial cushion’ game when the DCs go back to school next week - I bought a couple of little toys for them this month which wiped out the extra, so I’m not any further ahead of my monthly commitments than I was a month ago, beyond my standard - pathetic - emergency fund/annual bills fund (which I am at least managing to build for perhaps the first time since starting this diary!). I plan to keep my focus on my new contract work and not get too distracted by my own business, just for a couple of weeks, until I have billed a sensible number of hours on the new project and am a little more comfortable for April.

i batch cooked this veggie chilli last night - https://www.halfbakedharvest.com/spicy-black-bean-lentil-chili-cotija-guacamole-chipotle-sweet-potato-fries/#bo-recipe - I use tinned tomatoes in place of the marinara/tomato paste and plenty of tomato purée (presumably this basically IS tomato paste, I’ve never googled to see if they are equivalent). I also use dried black beans and use the cooking water for making the stock - it adds more flavour and richness. A 500g bag makes about 2.5x the recipe quantity, which was enough for dinner last night plus leftovers for lunch, plus at least two more evening meals, for five of us (and NC eats tons, he does a physical job). we had it with brown rice, tortilla chips with cheese (both of those add bulk too, for pennies), salsa, a couple of avocados (a treat for me and DC3!), and yoghurt.

PurpleFairy26

Don’t be too hard on yourself about half term. Ours has been much the same but for different reasons. But we took them out yesterday and they had a cake and DH and I a coffee with free vouchers and they loved it. they’re just enjoying not going to school and not being in that routine. So I think they enjoy downtime much more than we think! So often I think they don’t get to play with their toys of do what they want in a normal week as it’s so ‘timed’ so just enjoy your bath and go with the flow. 

lindez

Hi TOPM 
just caught up hope you have a lovely holiday next week.

Treadingonplaymobil

Had a whopping 15 hours off from the DC last night and spent most of it manically working, feeling a little frazzled this half term! So pleased that all holidays from here on will be roughly 50/50 - maintaining a business is going to be so much easier than it used to be.

I am feeling a little bit cheesed off with XH today. I am trying to keep in mind that he probably thinks I am every bit as unreasonable as I think he is, so I'm making sure I consider how to deal with each of these things in a sensible and fair way, but here are a couple of issues that I am finding increasingly tricky to deal with, and that I think need to change:
1. Shared presents for the DCs. We have been saving separately, and two DCs have birthdays coming up in the next couple of months. I mentioned in passing that we would probably do separate presents from here on (Christmas was always planned to be the last big 'joint' event, to my mind). XH is adamant that we should do joint presents and that we agreed we would do all presents jointly this year. I have zero recollection of this, and I'm not sure why we would have separate savings pots for it when we set out our budgets if we'd agreed that. Bearing in mind we both have new partners, and both new partners are meeting the DCs etc, it feels less and less appropriate for us to be doing 'couple' things like sharing presents. The cynic in me suspects he doesn't have as much saved as he should and is worrying about how to manage if we don't share, but maybe I'm being unfair. So my question, MSE-ers - is it awful to insist on separate presents? We've been split for 7 months now.

2. Me doing all the food shopping, batch cooking etc. Because we swap in and out of the house, I have thus far done all of the menu planning, food shopping, batch cooking etc (because trying to split it just didn't work at all, and things like batch cooking are necessary to keep it within budget). With our new childcare schedule XH will have four straight nights a fortnight with the DCs (plus one other weekday overnight on the other week). I'm thinking about saying I want to give him a proportionate share of the food budget and for him to be responsible for menu planning and cooking for his long stretch with the DCs. He could use oils, seasonings etc so we don't end up having two lots of all of that, but he could start to provide their breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don't mind if he wants to add stuff to my food shop and transfer the money, but I feel like I don't want to be responsible for managing his meals with the DCs any more. Particularly in light of...

3. Me being a housewife still! I am doing 95% of all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, dealing with notes from school, etc etc. And I'm only spending 60% of my time in the house, which means the time I am there is absolutely, totally and utterly flat out, with little time to enjoy the DCs. I have NO IDEA how we might go about splitting that more fairly, because I suspect XH will start with good intentions but just not do it. I am finding it incredibly hard alongside trying to work around 28 hours a week now though. Any ideas to begin to tackle this (and the food thing) much appreciated.

Treadingonplaymobil

Sorry, that was a really negative post! I'm sure I have something cheery to post too, I'll pop back later when it comes to mind.

Mnd

When we split I flatly refused to do joint presents for my son. He wanted a saxophone for Xmas and my x wife suggested going half each. I bought him his saxaphone on my own

Onebrokelady

I think it's entirely reasonable to do separate presents, you are no longer a couple but it looks to me like you are still taking care of your XH, he has got the best of both worlds at the moment,he spends part of his time in the studio living the single life with no responsibility and then comes back to your home where everything has been done for him, no wonder you are feeling frazzled, you are still being the wife who holds everything together while he just comes to take care of the children, it sounds like it not much different to when you were together under the same roof 

Cherryfudge

I wonder if the older children would have thoughts that might help. Separate presents are likely going to be smaller but IMO people buy presents that reflect their relationship with the recipient so are more personal. If they wanted something bigger perhaps they could ask for money towards it from each of you. I certainly feel joint presents are awkward and likely to cause strain.
WRT to the food shopping, it's going to be complicated especially as he may already be showing signs of not being able to put a fair share of cash in. Is there any way of setting up a joint 'pot' and accounting for what's spent out of it? I suspect the problem here would be that he spends too much and you are left to pick up the slack so there would need to be a maximum spend per portion, with defaulters making up the balance from their own money.
I hope you soon find something that works (and have it written down!)