Mother in law.....the wifes mum !!!

justme111

wishwin wrote: »

thankyou for all your replies and comments...i think the best way forward will be not for me to have any contact with her..then it avoids conflict ..and when she wants to see the wife and 2 kids....the wife can take them to her place and not our house .....the wife has actually told her now i think its best if you stay away from our house

......because my son is autistic and yes he is 18 but having autisim is very complicated and i am his registered carer....i can no longer work i gave my job up in 2003 when we found out he had special needs....we also have a 12 year old daughter....so i do school runs etc etc....bit diffiucult trying to factor and plan a job into the equation when one of us needs to be available at all times.

Children usually get to school on their own here at 12.
Re your son - do you mean that someone has to be with him 24/7 ? Because if not you may want to review your stance on not working. I obviously do not know your family and relationship, just keep in mind that pretty much every divorced/separated man I talked to believed their relationship was fine when their wives who instigated separation disagreed obviously.

svain

Keep_pedalling wrote: »

You have a 3rd option, just don't be there when she visits.

Why should he have to vacate his own home .... its pandering to her again.

Guest101

'my house, my rules'

Primrose

Congratulations. I think you have done a wonderful job of being a support for your wife and a carer for your son and I feel upset for you that your m-I-l shows you such a lack of respect in your own home.

I actually think that your wife may have been at fault here. She should always have stood up for you, her partner and the father of her son and not tolerated her mother behaving in this way. Most people would feel it unreasonable that this has ended up in you feeling unsupported and sidelined in your own house.

However, I think now is the time, after such a miserable Christmas , that you jointly decide that things have to change. This will have to find you being more assertive with both your wife and m-In-l and your wife committing to supporting you actively, rather than allowing her mother to dictate the rules in your own home.

Your mil is a bully, and her husband has obviously never had the guts to stand up to her. Now is the time to ensure this.behaviour is not reflected through to a second generation.

I suggest you both quietly and determinedly tell your mil that there will be no more visits to your home unless she commits to stop interfering. This will be hard for your wife but she needs to recognise
that after 18 years of you being the main carer for your autistic son, this reflects the respect you deserve. Your mil may well not respect you for being the main breadwinner but whether you want her respect or not I suspect she will start to respect you more if you start to exercise the authority you have as joint partner in your household and a joint parent.

As others have said, not terribly tactfully, now is the time to stand up
and show her what you are made of! I suspect that not working has possibly dented your self esteem and confidence somewhat. If that is the case your wife should recognise that too and give you added support. Even though you perhaps cannot commit to working, could you find a part time volunteering opportunity locally that would give you some time to develop your self confidence and self worth

You have obviously done a great job for your son. Perhaps now is the time to start doing a little caring for yourself ?

Mojisola

wishwin wrote: »

over the years though m-i-l will have little digs and insults directed at me......i have over heard her in the past say to my wife that "you picked the wrong one "......

Primrose wrote: »

I actually think that your wife may have been at fault here. She should always have stood up for you, her partner and the father of her son and not tolerated her mother behaving in this way.

Agree. If anyone had constantly belittled my OH and made comments like "you picked the wrong one", they wouldn't have been welcome back into our home.

FBaby

What is concerning is your statement that it is wrecking your marriage. Why? Surely you've asked her why she doesn't challenge her mother in the past so what's been her response?

pphillips

FBaby wrote: »

What is concerning is your statement that it is wrecking your marriage. Why? Surely you've asked her why she doesn't challenge her mother in the past so what's been her response?

It is wrecking the marriage because mother in law is getting between him and his wife, he mentioned about the arguments that they have about the mother in law.

His wife doesn't challenge her mother presumably because shes terrified of her mother and has never stood up to her before.

[Deleted User]

Can I point out that just because autistic son has turned 18, it doesn't mean he doesn't need a carer. My son is 20 and unfortunately I am still caring for him.., last week.., another college meeting and general fall out from that. This weekend chaos over UCAS applications (yes he can apply for uni and STILL need support).Needs change, the need for care doesn't always disappear. I'm up because he gets hyper in the evening and because he's 20, I can't just order him to bed like I would have done.

CRANKY40

Ummm....just wondering if your son is the only autistic person in your family as your MIL's statements to me seem to be characteristic of being quite high up on the spectrum. In our family you can see the autistic traits going back through the generations. My gran had a special needs brother, then one of my gran's children had a language of his own when he was small. Of that uncle's children, two are neurotypical, one is mild special needs and two are severely autistic.

The rest of my gran's children appeared neurotypical yet I am fairly high on the spectrum (diagnosed and offered medication aged five). One of my cousins is Aspergers and has an Aspergers child herself. My son and another of my cousins children both have sensory issues but do not present any other autistic traits.
Your MIL could just be very opinionated, but in view of your son's diagnosis I'd be looking to see if any of her traits other than her inability to keep her opinions to herself match the Aspie ones.

Kynthia

A lot of assumptions that the MIL's problem is that the OP doesn't work. Nothing she's been quoted saying indicates that. Perhaps it is, but it may be something else as she was rude when he shouted at his children. So it might be equally valid to say she doesn't like how he parents or just doesn't like his personality.

Whatever the reason it's not on to come to someone's home and be rude about them or to them, even more so in front of their children. Something needs to change. If you respond then you may look as bad as each other, so don't respond or just say something without expletives that challenges her rudeness like 'that's not very nice' or 'please don't get involved when I'm disciplining my children'. Has your wide ever asked her why she dislikes you? Ask her if she's ever asked her mother to stop mistreating you and she's been ignored as it wouldn't surprise me? Sounds like something needs to change though.