Mother in law.....the wifes mum !!!

wishwin

Hi i am new on here i would just like some advice really on how to deal with my wifes mother i will try and keep it as brief as possible .

i met my wife in 1995 and have now been married since 2005 . we had 2 children before we got married and then found out that my son who is the eldest is autistic he is now 18 found out about the autisim when he was at primary school...my daughter is nearly 13.

my wife and i get on fine 95% of the time we only really fall out when its to do with her mother...i gave my job up when my son was still at primary school so i could be his carer....wife is on quite good money..so i am a househusband...

anyway regarding m-i-l over the years they have come to our house regular and i have cooked some nice meals for them..i do all the cooking btw.and washing up....

over the years though m-i-l will have little digs and insults directed at me......i have over heard her in the past say to my wife that "you picked the wrong one "......i have waited on the mother in law hand and foot over the years and bent over backwards to try and please her.......the last episode was at boxing day 2016....my 2 kids were arguing over a some dog toy present and i shouted at them to behave.....this resulted in m-i-l turning round to me and telling me to shut up.....i then said if my wife stayed at home she would strangle them....joking of course....m-i-l turned to me and said i would strangle you 1st !!!......in these situations in front of a house full of the wifes side of the family i feel belittled in my own home...

my wife never seems to want to confront her mother and say things like thats a bit out of order mum...she just stays silent.......in the past i have gone round to make sure they have all got a drink trying to be nice...and get told from her mother to go away and stop mithering...i turned round and said i am trying to be nice...do you want me to be a !!!!!!!....m-i-l turned round and said you are sometimes!!!...again my wife said nothing !!!.....i won a holiday to switzerland i did not go i let my wife and her mother go instead of me coz i thought it would be a nice thing to do.....i have took the mother in laws mother...my wifes gran out shopping on numerous occassions...gone round and cut her hedges etc etc ...

i cannot understand my mother in law and work her out as she is fantastic with our 2 kids .and a good gran .she just has it in for me .....i am sick of being treated like a mug and doormat....my wife and i are at loggerheads over this....and it ruined my xmas and my autistic son even said granny ruined xmas.......wife and i are not really talking ......and i really do not know what to do for the best.....

i would really appreciate some advice as i feel my mother in law is wrecking my marriage...i said to my wife there are 3 of us in this marriage you then your mum in the middle and me on the other side.......she even insisted on giving a speech at our wedding..and she did not really sing my praises apart from being a good dad to the kids......father in law is quiet as a church mouse btw and just lets her say what she wants to me........you would think my mother in law would do her best to try and get on with me as its complicated enough having to deal with a autistic son....any advice much appreciated thankyou

yvonne13_2

Sorry, I couldn't follow what you were saying as no paragraphs. So I'll just say I hope someone comes along to give you support.

annandale

To be fair your wife is stuck in the middle of all this

thorsoak

Could you please edit your post - putting in sentences would help. Were someone else to do it for you, it could alter the meaning.

Otherwise you will have very few responses.

Bogalot

wishwin wrote: »

Hi i am new on here posting i would just like some advice really on how to deal with my wifes mother i will try and keep it as brief as possible . i met my wife in 1995 and have now been married since 2005 . we had 2 children before we got married and then found out that my son who is the eldest is autistic he is now 18 found out about the autisim when he was at primary school...my daughter is nearly 13....my wife and i get on fine 95% of the time we only really fall out when its to do with her mother...i gave my job up when my son was still at primary school so i could be his carer....wife is on quite good money..so i am a househusband...anyway regarding the wifes mother over the years the wifes family have come to our house regular and i have cooked some nice meals for them..i do all the cooking btw.and washing up.and other household jobs plus diy and pick the kids up from school etc ...over the years though the wifes mother will have little digs and insults directed at me......i have over heard her in the past say to my wife that "you picked the wrong one "......i have waited on the mother in law hand and foot over the years and bent over backwards to try and please her.......the last episode was at boxing day 2016....my 2 kids were arguing over a some dog toy present and i shouted at them to behave.....this resulted in the wifes mother turning round to me and telling me to shut up.....i then said if my wife stayed at home she would strangle them....joking of course.....the wifes mother turned to me and said i would strangle you 1st !!!......in these situations in front of a house full of the wifes side of the family i feel belittled in my own home...the wife never seems to want to confront her mother and say things like thats a bit out of order mum...she just stays silent.......in the past i have gone round to make sure they have all got a drink trying to be nice...and get told from her mother to go away and stop mithering...i turned round and said i am trying to be nice...do you want me to be a !!!!!!!....the wifes mother turned round and said you are sometimes!!!...again the wife said nothing !!!.....i won a holiday to switzerland i did not go i let my wife and her mother go instead of me coz i thought it would be a nice thing to do.....i have took the mother in laws mother...my wifes gran out shopping on numerous occassions...gone round and cut her hedges etc etc ...i cannot understand my mother in law and work her out as she is fantastic with our 2 kids .and a good gran .she just has it in for me .....i am sick of being treated like a mug and doormat....my wife and i are at loggerheads over this....and it ruined my xmas and my autistic son even said granny ruined xmas.......wife and i are not really talking ......and i really do not know what to do for the best.....i would really appreciate some advice as i feel my mother in law is wrecking my marriage...i said to the wife there are 3 of us in this marriage you then your mum in the middle and me on the other side.......she even insisted on giving a speech at our wedding..and she did not really sing my praises apart from being a good dad to the kids......father in law is quiet as a church mouse btw and just lets her say what she wants to me........you would think the mother in law would do her best to try and get on with me as its complicated enough having to deal with a autistic son....any advice much appreciated thankyou
......sorry i have not put it in paragraphs....just very upset at the moment and have been since boxing day

You might need a new keyboard. Some of your punctuation keys seem to be sticking!

annandale

The OP explained why they didn't put it in paragraphs

Newly_retired

IT is readable.
Not sure what to say. Is MIL down on you because you are not earning, perhaps?
It is hard for your wife too, but as your son has noticed, it is time to talk about the problem.

happyandcontented

What does your wife say when you speak to her about the issues? To resolve this you have to present a united front.

I wonder if underlying this is the fact that your son is now 18 and yet you have not returned to some form of work. Perhaps your mil feels your wife is shouldering all the financial burdens, of course if it works for you and your wife it is none of her business but it may explain her behaviour.

In your shoes I would sit down calmly with your wife and tell her how upset the remarks made you feel and ask her how she would have felt in your shoes. Ask her why her mother dislikes you, and ask her how you can proceed to sort this out.

FBaby

To be fair, if your mother in law is the type to take things literally lacking a bit of sense of irony, then your response as quoted in your post are probably having the total opposite effect of trying to make her like you.

It sounds like you've fallen into this bickering and I expect your wife think you are both as bad as each other. You seem to go one extreme to the other, one one hand being much nicer than you have to (for someone you don't like), on the other hand teasing them when you know it is going to wind them up.

Take a neutral stand and don't get involved. Accept her in your house when necessary purely for the sake of your making your wife happy. Don't do anything more and if she starts having a go, just don't get involved, that's the best way to act in front of your kids anyway.

kelpie35

I think you need to man up and tell your wife that she either supports you or you will have to reconsider you place in the home.

I also think you are doing a good job running the home and being a carer for your autistic son.

That is a very hard job as I well know, as I have been a sole carer for my autistic son who is now almost 27 years of age.

Mojisola

wishwin wrote: »

Hi i am new on here posting i would just like some advice really on how to deal with my wifes mother i will try and keep it as brief as possible .

i met my wife in 1995 and have now been married since 2005 . we had 2 children before we got married and then found out that my son who is the eldest is autistic he is now 18 found out about the autisim when he was at primary school...my daughter is nearly 13....

my wife and i get on fine 95% of the time we only really fall out when its to do with her mother...

i gave my job up when my son was still at primary school so i could be his carer....wife is on quite good money..so i am a househusband...

anyway regarding the wifes mother over the years the wifes family have come to our house regular and i have cooked some nice meals for them..i do all the cooking btw.and washing up.and other household jobs plus diy and pick the kids up from school etc ...

over the years though the wifes mother will have little digs and insults directed at me......i have over heard her in the past say to my wife that "you picked the wrong one "......i have waited on the mother in law hand and foot over the years and bent over backwards to try and please her.......

the last episode was at boxing day 2016....my 2 kids were arguing over a some dog toy present and i shouted at them to behave.....this resulted in the wifes mother turning round to me and telling me to shut up.....i then said if my wife stayed at home she would strangle them....joking of course.....the wifes mother turned to me and said i would strangle you 1st !!!......

in these situations in front of a house full of the wifes side of the family i feel belittled in my own home...

the wife never seems to want to confront her mother and say things like thats a bit out of order mum...she just stays silent.......

in the past i have gone round to make sure they have all got a drink trying to be nice...and get told from her mother to go away and stop mithering...i turned round and said i am trying to be nice...do you want me to be a !!!!!!!....the wifes mother turned round and said you are sometimes!!!...again the wife said nothing !!!.....

i won a holiday to switzerland i did not go i let my wife and her mother go instead of me coz i thought it would be a nice thing to do.....i have took the mother in laws mother...my wifes gran out shopping on numerous occassions...gone round and cut her hedges etc etc ...i cannot understand my mother in law and work her out as she is fantastic with our 2 kids .and a good gran .she just has it in for me .....

i am sick of being treated like a mug and doormat....my wife and i are at loggerheads over this....and it ruined my xmas and my autistic son even said granny ruined xmas.......

wife and i are not really talking ......and i really do not know what to do for the best.....i would really appreciate some advice as i feel my mother in law is wrecking my marriage...i said to the wife there are 3 of us in this marriage you then your mum in the middle and me on the other side.......she even insisted on giving a speech at our wedding..and she did not really sing my praises apart from being a good dad to the kids......father in law is quiet as a church mouse btw and just lets her say what she wants to me........

you would think the mother in law would do her best to try and get on with me as its complicated enough having to deal with a autistic son....any advice much appreciated thankyou......

sorry i have not put it in paragraphs....just very upset at the moment and have been since boxing day

Your FIL and your wife won't stand up to your MIL. It sounds as if they have gone through life letting her have her way - are they scared of her reaction if they challenge her behaviour?

She belittles you even when you are being nice to her - and in your own home in front of other people.

It's very unfair of your wife not to support you. Would she go to marriage counselling with you where you can explain on neutral territory how your MIL makes you feel - and how it hurts you when she doesn't support you.