Sashybo - Back Again

sashybo

MIL's visit lasted for 3 days and was really hard work, she did play with the kids a bit but then just started following DH about and always wanted something to do. The woman can't relax! Trying to make conversation was also hard work as she is very awkward with us both.

DH was complaining that she was making comments about the kids behaviour constantly to him and implying we were bad parents because they weren't behaving. The kids were very overexcited because we'd practically just got back from our holiday, they were now on school summer holidays and their gran that they hardly ever see was staying with us.

I was just checked out, I was still so stressed after our holiday that I just couldn't be bothered with her nonsense. Then when she was leaving she was pressuring DH to agree to both her & FIL visiting at the end of September. DH really wasn't keen and I'd happily never see them again tbh but DH struggles to say no. I told him to remind her that the kids were off school on a long weekend then and she backpedalled a bit after that! I think we have successfully put her off.

The only reason she wanted that date is because FIL wants to do some sort of train trip that week and they could tack us on at the end of that. They never want to visit when the kids are off school though as they get fed up of them after 5 mins and act like we are terrible parents all the time because the kids make noise and watch tv or play on a tablet or switch sometimes.

Needless to say I was happy to go back to work for a few days. DH went back to work this week and is in a depression again about his shifts. I think he needs to go back to counselling and maybe back on his anti-depressants but that just gets more angry ranting if I suggest it. 

I would like to run away please. Big sigh.

Willowtree222

That sounds so stressful and not what you need at any time let alone a nice relaxing holiday. I hope you get some down time for you. 

Sun_Addict

Your holiday tales bring back not so good memories of my kids arguing and Mr SA being moody on trips abroad. You expect kids to fall out at some point but add to the mix Mr SA who would without fail have at least one day where he was in a terrible mood for no particular reason. It’s horrible I’ve been there.

I bet you wish you could have a few days away by yourself to recover.

Baldybear

Didnt want to read and run.  My dd sounds similar to yours, she is coming up 4 and the meltdowns we have, makes it hard to go out as sonetimes as ruins a day out,  sympathies as its hard and wlmy dh and I have massive rows ovee parenting styles.  Especially hard when you just want a nice family holiday, have learnt not to try and have too much expectation as then dont get too disappointed.

Re your dh would he cut off or have a longer break from his parents as that may help.him.as he seems to be in a viscous circle and seems happier when not.so much contact, again hard but at least you have the distance x

jwil

Sorry the holiday was tough and you had the visit afterwards to contend with as well!  It's hard enough managing kids without trying to manage a grumpy DH as well.

beanielou

All sounds horrid.

Bluegreen143

Sorry about your hols Sashy. My DD (similar age to yours) is normally very chill but was a bit more difficult than usual on holiday too - heat & lack of sleep is so difficult at that age! I noticed my DS was much more able to handle it. 

I know your DD is spirited anyway so not a surprise she acted out when away. 

Sounds like you were more calm about how to handle it but your DH struggles. I can imagine it’s hard if he put lots of pressure on a perfect holiday - abs as you say, you do copy how your parents acted when stressed and he didn’t have good modelling! Hopefully he will reflect on it and adjust his expectations as it can’t be nice for you to feel stuck in the middle and having to mediate between them. 

sashybo

Thanks all, it was certainly stressful but hopefully we've all learned lessons! The kids keep asking when we can go back to Greece, so they certainly don't seem to be too emotionally scarred by it. 😂 

Baldybear, my DD's temperament also makes for difficult family outings as she will without fail have a massive meltdown because one of us has looked at her funny or some other minor thing will set her off. It does put us off taking her places!

My DH seems to think coming down hard on her will help - it doesn't, it just makes her worse. Sometimes I worry that I let her away with too much though, it's such a difficult balancing act. I think DD is just such a strong character and she is quite different to us and her brother that we are at a loss as to how to handle her sometimes.

DH is definitely happier having less contact with his parents and he previously cut them off completely for a few years as they were a nightmare. They don't accept that they emotionally abused him as a child and will never take responsibility for how weird his childhood was. They blamed me and said I was "influencing" him and that's why he cut them off a few years after moving several hundred miles to get away from them.

DH has had a few bouts of counselling and told me that both counsellors told him multiple times that the way he was brought up and treated was not "normal". He has always struggled with self esteem and depression although if you met him you would never know it as he always comes across as very confident. 

He limits phone contact with his parents to once a week and we usually see them a handful of times a year. He gets on a bit better with his mum than his dad as his dad tries to be very dominant all the time. We both dread seeing him as he is such an aggressive person in the way he acts. He thinks he's always right and everyone else is wrong, I usually avoid him as much as possible when I see him which is thankfully only once or twice a year. To be honest DH is the same with him.

Bluegreen - yes that's it exactly, DH didn't have a good role model in his dad so he reverts to shouty, over the top disciplinarian style parenting with the kids when he gets stressed. I admit that I do get a bit shouty at times as that's what my mum did but I'm trying not to do that so much as I know it's not great. I always apologise to the kids if I overreact about things and have talked to DH about doing the same.

To his credit he does now say sorry to the kids when he gets like this but sometimes he's quite nasty and it's horrible to see. I just remind him that he's acting like his dad and does he really want the kids to see him the way he sees his own dad when they're adults. He basically has no real connection with his dad, nothing in common and dreads seeing or speaking to him because of the way he made him feel as a child and still does.

I actually just remembered a FIL story from before we got married - DH went to visit his parents at their hotel a few days before the wedding and FIL actually said to him "You know that there are other women in the world" i.e. you don't need to marry her. I was DH's first serious girlfriend which is why I think FIL said this but at this point we had already been together for 10 years!! They really didn't want him to stay with me and hoped it was a phase, I think mostly because they wanted him to move back to be nearer to them. A few years ago they were sending him job adverts for one of the train companies near them! Never mind my job, friends and family and the fact that DH has friends and a life here. 😂 

sashybo

Just been plodding along the last while, my mum has been keeping the kids overnight at least once a week and we used some of the kids savings to buy a better set of bunkbeds for her house. The freebie ones we got were really wobbly metal ones and DD was too scared to climb up them. I was also worried they would collapse as they were so shaky when DS climbed up to the top bunk! So we got some more solid wooden ones and built those at the weekend. They're much better and DD now wants to try sleeping on the top bunk next time they stay over.

Last weekend I had the whole house to myself which was lovely, my mum kept the kids overnight and DH was working late shift. I had some homemade curry and flatbread from the freezer and watched the newest Bridget Jones film which was enjoyable nonsense and just relaxed. It was a really hot night though, so so humid.

DD continues to wake up at 2/3 or 4am nearly every day and I have to go and lie in her bed with her for a while, so I'm still not getting great sleep. I have managed to get out roughly once a week for a run which helps keep me sane, I'm still very slow and doing run/walk but it gets me out. I do some indoor walking every day to try and keep my steps up, usually Get fit with Rick or Reps to the Rhythm (both Sun Addict recs!). The kids love watching the cats on Reps. 😂 Not doing the school run twice a day has really killed my step count. I'm also trying to do at least 3 strength workouts a week and 10 mins of yoga a day.

It was my birthday last week but I had to work late shift so DH and I are going out this weekend for lunch and my mum is keeping the kids overnight for us. Looking forward to that and I also have a facial massage tomorrow morning.

DH got a message yesterday morning from his mum saying she'd had a fall and was in the hospital. She is in her late 70s now and will not slow down, she is relatively fit for her age but doesn't know how to stay still. DH phoned his dad (which he was dreading) and MIL has broken her hip. She fell doing the gardening (they have a big garden and grow lots of vegetables) and landed funny, apparently had to wait 3 hours for an ambulance and was getting an operation yesterday for a hip replacement. Not sure how long she will be out of action. So DH is stressed about that and is on day 5 of a 7 day stretch at work, he is exhausted.

beanielou

My mum is 83 and won’t slow down. She has a better social life than me. 

Belated happy birthday to you & enjoy your time out.