Mooloo's Joining up the dots in 2017

Savvy_sewing

My most over used word in recent months is I am struggling.
I walked to work, slightly treacherous conditions still. School boy fell on the ice and slipped into a dustbin hitting his jaw. Poor wee lad was about 8 or 9. I helped him and took him into school and got a teacher to check him over. Another slipped and slid but managed to stay upright.
I walked into work and immediately felt gloomy.
I was stressed and fought back tears of frustration.
I am having to turn people away which I don’t like. But there is over 18 hours worth of work in to do and only two sewing days left.
I have just collected my Christmas bags. A huge relief that I have now 14 of my presents, plus the ones I bought for dgd and BF.
I have coins for the other grandchildren.

I heard today that DS has let his ex stay at his flat as she is not very well and needs help with the child. Other baby due anytime now. So DS is relegated to the sofa.
Twin 2 asked me for money for Christmas yesterday, but as I Alte ordered her gift it’s too late.
Time for dinner. I really hope that tomorrow I will feel better.

beanielou

I am sorry that you are struggling.
I am struggling too although I know that is no consolation at all.
But just so you know you are not alone.
I do worry that you put yourself under so much pressure/ stress for not a very good return for you.

ognum

Mooloo

Hope all is OK with you and you are having a good weekend

Savvy_sewing

beanielou wrote: »

I am sorry that you are struggling.
I am struggling too although I know that is no consolation at all.
But just so you know you are not alone.
I do worry that you put yourself under so much pressure/ stress for not a very good return for you.

Big Hugs x

I only have to get through till Wednesday and I will get to rest. Or at least once we get to the hotel I will.
I am expecting that a little sunshine, good food and relaxing with Mum for a week will bring me back to normal.
Biggest is not going to be staying at work with me, so in the new year I am going to have to find another Seamstress for the business. I will do more of the front of house and teaching and less of the sewing as soon as possible.

I am not stressing about Christmas as I only have about three things to get now. Some tinned biscuits for two families and a gift for Mum to open on the day.
I just need to wrap my purchases. So that’s Monday’s job.
I came across to BFs yesterday and will go home in the morning. Via mr T for the packup lunch as my fridge etc is practically empty.
On the financial side I have the business accounts here with me to tackle, and the council have finally replied to my request from July and I need to return do the paperwork all over again before 6th January!
So I didn’t get any help or my benefits sorted and I am still struggling to pay the higher rent.
I am concerned about that but I cannot see how I can find more income. Well I know that I cannot.
So the budget is going to be squeezed once again.
Definitely not going to be buying clothes for me next year, and I will have to look at the food budget and start reducing the meat delivery etc
Impulse spending is out.
And I have to continue to try and clear the debts DS left me stranded with when he didn’t pay me back last year and earlier this year.
I have never had such debt and very little money since 2007 when I was bankrupt. I am stressed out about that, despite telling myself that I am in control of it.
Fear of failure and fear of debt are what are getting to be.
Also the argument in my head of what I want to do against what I have to do, are causing angst.
I have been printing off some work sheets to get organised and to use alongside my journal for the coming months.
I will turn it around. I have no choice but to get on with it. Luckily for me I have here to vent, plot and plan and you all to help me get through it. I certainly don’t feel that I have family or BFs support. (Except my Mum), but I don’t want to rely on The Bank of Mum.
I want to get there on my own merits.
Although at the moment I could quite easily sell the shop, walk away and not come back to the uk at all.
Not that I can afford to live anywhere else really. If I didn’t have Dgd I could happily step off the edge of the proverbial cliff and try a new adventure and start life again.
But I cannot abandon her.

Artytarty

Mooloo, please don't be angry with me but I think we all have hopes and dreams somewhere in us . The difference is that most of accept that we have to make the bets of the life we lead because the if we focus too much on what might be or what we would love to happen, the present becomes more difficult. You put a lot of thought and energy into planning Some other life, leaving you currently exhausted

There are some things that can't be changed no matter how many positive vibes are thrown at them, lists of dreams are drawn up, big knickers metaphorically worn etc.
sometimes settling for less can save your sanity.

Isn't there an old saying along the lines of- change what you can, accept what you cannot and have the wisdom to know the difference?

Feral_Moon

Artytarty wrote: »

Mooloo, please don't be angry with me but I think we all have hopes and dreams somewhere in us . The difference is that most of accept that we have to make the bets of the life we lead because the if we focus too much on what might be or what we would love to happen, the present becomes more difficult. You put a lot of thought and energy into planning Some other life, leaving you currently exhausted

There are some things that can't be changed no matter how many positive vibes are thrown at them, lists of dreams are drawn up, big knickers metaphorically worn etc.
sometimes settling for less can save your sanity.

Isn't there an old saying along the lines of- change what you can, accept what you cannot and have the wisdom to know the difference?

What you say is correct but I think (and I hope I'm not just transferring my own feelings onto a Mooloo here) that Mooloo's life expectations and dreams were drastically changed when she had to take on DGD. Now I'm not saying for one minute Mooloo regrets the decision nor resents her daughter or DGD for the situation she finds herself in. But, I can understand her frustrations at fearing her dreams may now be out of reach, especially given the other problems she's faced with her children, along with difficulties her business has presented with staffing problems and not much in way of personal drawings.

Mooloo, I hope I haven't offended you and I really hope you get the much needed rest and recuperation whilst away to gather your thoughts and renew plans for the future. Take care xx

Savvy_sewing

I will not give up on my dreams even if they take me another 10 years to get them. I cannot settle for the drudgery I currently am in. I would shrivel up if I didn’t have a dream.
I will get there eventually.
I have started life over many new chapters because I have had to adapt to changes that I felt were beyond my control.
I am not exactly thrilled that I have had to change my life but I can change it up again (as soon as I get some rest and can re visit my plans and goals.
So I am low, but I am not completely out.
2018 will just have to be another trudge until I am back on form.

This afternoon I have done my accounts for work.
We are having the granddaughter again tonight as BFs daughter has gone away for the weekend and who ever was supposed to have her are not now. BF doesn’t know exactly where she is or with who, but Biggest tells me she has posted pictures on Instagram from Edinburgh Christmas market. I will keep that knowledge to myself though as it’s not my place to tell BF what his daughter is doing. I asked if she has a new BF but he didn’t know, though suspects it.
I told him that he must be careful that he is not left holding the baby while she galavants, not to be stuck holding the baby like I was. He said he had no intention to be like me.

Savvy_sewing

The end is in sight.
The big curtains made. The bench cushion covers made. Trousers etc altered. There are 6 jobs that must be done before the day is done tomorrow. Any other jobs that are in are for the new year, but I will try and do as many of them as I can, and clean the shop before we close for the festivities.
Tonight I have done the dinner, and sewn some felt cushions Dgd wants to make her Mum etc.
So I will help her sew them closed and then I will see about wrapping up the presents I have got.

Savvy_sewing

Christmas all wrapped up!
Time for bed. I am shattered

Savvy_sewing

Good morning!
I feel excited at last.
The last day at work, I can see the end of the jobs in for today being finished by lunchtime and the opportunity to do some of the jobs for next year highly possible.
I have my suitcase practically packed, just need jewellery and accessories and gadgets.
I have yet to pack DGDs clothes though, so that’s this evening.
I have all but one of my presents wrapped.
I have BF coming here tonight as I won’t see him until 29th then.
Tomorrow is Tax Credit day, and my savings standing order will go out.
I have juggled my funds and tomorrow the Retirement fund will hit £1,000
( although it’s left things very tight everywhere else). But I will not need anything while I am away as I still have €225 left from the Summer Holidays)
I have joined in with the 2018 frugal challenge once again and I have my diary, journals etc ready to go for on my return.
When Biggest leaves work to follow her dancing career again I have another Seamstress in mind for working in the Shop, and I will do more of the front of house and less of the sewing so I preserve my hands.
I am focusing on the ability to be able to adapt and go back to debt crushing. It is obvious that DS is never going to repay me and I don’t want to have the debts hanging around my neck for years to come. So I am going to have to come up with ways to clear the debts as fast as I can.
I know that I struggle in the winter, but I also know that I will come back stronger after the holiday and will focus on having smaller breaks, cheaper ones, and revisit the bigger dreams once the debts are in hand.
I can do this!
I can shun the black dog, and I can strive to build that better future.
I am feeling more positive today.