From debt to freedom...

Spendless

Oh Gosh. I think I did predict that ex would ask for too much money and your kids would struggle. Ex is acting as landlord and not as Dad. I partly see that because I believe it's his formal rental property they're living in, so he loses an income otherwise, but it that case he should have kept it as a business transaction.

 I've always been suspicious about why Ex offerred this and have long suspected it is because he can claim he's putting a roof over some of the kids heads when it goes to court. For this reason I'd start gathering evidence to that effect, telling your solicitor to is a good idea at least then it''s logged

. My guess is that 16yo is on an apprecticeship so not earning the amount the older siblings that lvie there do and Ex isn't entitled to any child related benefits for him either. The girlfriend certainly complicates the issue. Can I ask where her parents are in all this? That can be frustrating because I know we've had to step in with our kids partners when really it was done to their own families to sort. Over the coming weeks I'd gently spell out the options DS2 has, he can return to you but you're unable to accommodate girlfriend too, she would need to return to live with her family or he lives at exes alone or with girlfriend but then they are under  the rules of what ex asks of them. I wouldn't contribute, not directly anyway. Think someone else suggested it but can they eat at yours once or twice a week? Only with you present, so no more ex wrangling his way into playing mind games. Does girlfriend work and contribute at exes house? 

jennystarpepper

You do an amazing job, keeping it together, working the hours you do and just being a good person despite all the difficulties you deal with.  You are a strong woman and I admire you what you do. I'm not trying to tell granny about egg sucking... I suffered domestic abuse for over 30 years .... I have a built in homing device!

When I  suggested about the camera / video of comings and goings at ( home and hope this is now working) things appear to have improved.  But things still pick at me.

The oil usage, can you get a lock on this, sorry if I have missed A discussion about this, and sure DD means well,  when my household has been ill we turned the heating was off, we were positive, fresh air and no heat, needed by all, ( everyone is different, I agree),  but you know what, bells have been ringing for me. I've been positive twice now... the heating was off.  I think your oil bill is wrong.  Can I suggest a camera that only you know about, do no tell any children about it.... with the best intensions people can be manipulated and  they are.  I have been in the past by parents / siblings.  Something's need life experience discussions. 

You need to start a diary, DS2 paying board and everything no matter how small, any child who is of CB age but comes to you for a meal / night / half day (living with him)  needs to me recorded if they do not live in your house and keep all receipts of anything you buy them.... also of any child you help at Uni. 

Your Ex has a plan, you are a wonderful person, please keep records of everything.  Again do not share this information with any child, no matter how old they are you need an adult share things with.  Children do not need to know about adult issues, not a criticism but children need to be safe. X

FYI  about board / house keeping, I helped my step children get PT jobs at 16 to save for Uni. (and a paper round before this), from the age of 14 they paid for hair cuts and toiletries, long story short..... we paid CSA, she charged them both board from 16 (getting the jobs I wrote CV's with / paid for stamps)  .   the ex is a teacher second in command... getting over £500 for children per month.



 

savingholmes

HSL congratulations as always for your grace, courage and persistence.

dawnybabes

Can’t help or advise the board issue - no child should be feeling like they are being used by their parent though,

the overflow - could you pour some of the drain unblocker down in case it’s just ‘blocked’ 

Spendless

You know I'd not even gone there with regards to the oil, but I can certainly see what's been suggested above. Yes keep a diary where you log everything, keep it very safe and if you need to confide in anyone of it's existence or whereabouts even if you keep the content to yourself, maybe tell someone like your parents, someone who will understand what you're going through and the need to keep this from a younger generation. 

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Spendless, jennystarpepper, SH and Dawnybabes for your thoughtful comments.

Spendless - DS2 is currently at college and picks up a day of paid work in the week. I informed HMRC when he moved out and gave his address and who he was living with, so the ex should be getting CB I would have thought. Gf’s siblings and 1 parent live about 300 miles away and the other parent lives in the second nearest town. Not sure what prompted her to be thrown out but that’s what happened. It’s a fine balance because I think DS2 would try to go with her if she moved to where  her siblings live and that freaks me right out! I think it’s far too young and puts him in a very vulnerable position.

jennystarpepper - I did keep a diary and still do when I feel concerned or worried. I hadn't thought about recording contributions - thank you, that’s a good idea. I must admit it does seem very weird that in the years we have lived here and only ever needed 500 litres of oil for the whole winter to have gone through a whole tank in half the winter.

Dawnybabes - I have tried the drain unblocker fluid but it hasn’t done much...perhaps I should try a different make?

Feeling quite shattered this evening. It turned out to be a busy shift at Job 2.
 

janb5

Hi HSL..I think your parents live relatively nearby and maybe your brother.  Could they provide a listening ear to DS2 and would that go down well? I just feel that your are the lynchpin for everything going on in the house and it would be great to get some emotional support from your wider family.  Ignore me if this is a stupid idea! xx

Spendless

Then I think ex is bang out of order. A 1 day a week wage for a 16yo and he's charging him! And it isn't due to girlfriend if he was being charged before she moved in!
 I did write the mind boggles but then I realised that I do know of a handful of parents who did charge their sixth form aged child from their part-time wages despite still claiming child related benefits, I worked with one such sixth former around 20 years ago. Asking them to pay for their own personal spends out of their wages is fair enough. 

 I'm unfamiliar with what HMRC would do in this circs, I'm guessing they don't just award CB to another person, and the onus would be on ex to apply. Unsure if they write to suggest that though. Hmmm if he's not claiming then he should and take some of the pressure off DS2 contributing . I can see that being a tough one to suggest and administer though. I really don't know what to suggest to you here because I can understand your concern about DS2 being plunged into a different set of living circs. 

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Janb5...your idea is a good one. Unfortunately my parents are an hour away and my brother 7 or 8 hours away, so he doesn't see them that often. That said both my parents and my brother have been and are supportive to me either by text or phone, even if I can’t see them in person.

The end of another busy week. I just feel so glad to get to Friday evening after the combination of Job  1 and 2 through the week. I have a fair amount of work to get through this weekend for Job1 and I need to get started on sowing seeds, not to mention the housework!!

Most of the direct debits have gone out now. I’ve paid off £100 off debts so little steps in the right direction. Unfortunately the car has had to be booked in for repairs...it looks like the same problem I had last September so am hoping it can be fixed relatively easily 😬.

Tonight I am thankful to have made it through the working week, thankful for the beautiful sunrise today on the way to work, a glorious sunset on the way back, for a boss that brought chocolate to work for everyone and tips this week🙂.

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Spendless, sorry must have cross posted! The ex did accuse me a couple of times of still claiming the CB but I have made it clear to him that I have informed HMRC as soon as I knew that DS2 hadn’t moved out. Thankfully I did it online so have a confirmation type email so can prove that I did.
I will start to record what spending I cover for DS2. I’m guessing I could count journeys too as in the number of special journeys made to help him.