From debt to freedom...

Honeysucklelou2

You are right Kitten868 and your post did help me to think last night so I had a peek on Rightmove and a 3 bed is more doable, so thank you for that. I wouldn’t have checked otherwise!

Cherryfudge

The difficulty with a three-bed may be that the ones who've moved out couldn't move back so you would need to flag that up so they make their choices with that in mind. Of course a lot could change between now and then and you might be needing a four-bed or more, but unfortunately your ex might play it to his advantage as a way of keeping them on side.

There is so much to think through and the added complication of having to second guess your ex doesn't help. I do wonder if he has been playing for time to manoeuvre into this position. Of course there wasn't anything you could do apart from what you have done but as someone has said, do keep the lawyer informed of changes. I would imagine that could also include not claiming maintenance for those who move out, from the dates they moved out - if only because it reinforces that he hasn't helped so far.

Did you have any luck with the self-isolation payment? Claiming financial support under the Test and Trace Support Payment scheme - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Spendless

@Kitten868 - I only stepped in with the answer before letting HSL explain, just in case we started all thinking of ways to help all based on her having a smaller number of children at home than they actually is. I went to type words to this effect apologising for answering before HSL but my own daughter threw a curveball at me, before I'd finished the sentence, so deleted the first words of that and posted the rest!  I've only got 1 at home so I can imagine how fast paced a house with several children, even if some are legally  adults must be.

HSL - Think I've got lost too with it all - lol , once 4 of them have all left (inc eldest back to Uni) is the eldest of the 4 left at home old enough to help out with childcare of the younger ones and able to do so?

Whilst I don't believe for one minute that living with Dad is going to be long term or as great an idea as they seem to think, I can also see that you can't possibly continue to financially support a big house 'just in case' they come back and we don't know what the court order is going to say re assets and your ability to get a mortgage on your own.  It's going to have to be discussed with them all at some point, but no good saying anything now what till the court rules on it. Then you're aware what you're dealing with.

Years ago, think I was pregnant with DD, I also couldn't claim any sickness benefit. There was some sort of loophole that allowed my employer to 'wriggle' out of it and when I tried to claim from the Government, I hadn't been earning enough! I think the phrase used was something like I had to be earning more than the Lower Earning Levels and hadn't been. A few years later I did voluntary work at a benefits advice place and even the benefits advisor there couldn't come up with anything I could have claimed when I told her the story. So if there's something set up by your local authority for covid reasons, I'd definitely look there

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Cherryfudge and Spendless.

Cherryfudge - that is a thought in my mind, that I would prefer to be able to have the children be able to move back should they want to or need to. Thank you for the link...I’m even more confused in that I haven’t been contacted by NHS Test and Trace. I found out about being a close contact directly so don’t have an Test and trace number but I did check by ringing a helpline and they confirmed I needed to self isolate.

Spendless - sorry it does get confusing! The oldest in Sept would be old enough to babysit ...but she has her own evening job.

savingholmes

I would downsize. The older kids however much you love them A) need to pay their own way and b) need to understand actions have consequences. Definitely don't pay bills for learner driving, uni etc for those that went to ex...

Parkyp

Do your children share rooms just now. The chances are if kids come back they won’t all come back at same time, it’ll be short term in between flats, breakups etc.
My mum has five children oldest is 50 and she still makes a pot of soup like she’s feeding us all, says it doesn’t taste the same when she tries to make smaller amount 🤣🤣

Sayschezza

I am delurking because I am worried your ex is housing some of the children so his house isn't counted in the sharing of assets when the divorce comes to court. Just in case I would declare to your solicitor that you would welcome all the children home and it is not your intention to downsize for this reason. Sounds as if he has been tipped of by his solicitor. Hope for your sake I am wrong but you need to be careful.

Kitten868

Spendless I promise I wasn't being sarcastic. I was owning up to being a doughnut it's so hard conveying tone on here. I appreciated you pointing it out. 

HSL also please don't think we are being mean about your children. We aren't. We just feel for you having so much to pay out for. Many people with a much more generous incomes are not as generous as you. I totally understand why you feel the need to help out so much though.

I really hope you're OK? There have been such bombshell changes for you so quickly. Xxx

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you SH, Parkyp, Sayschezza & Kitten868.

SH - Fair points...I think DS1 will have a shock when he sees the effect on his bank balance!

Parkyp - Yes they do share rooms although 2 of the rooms are big. That did make me smile about your mum’s soup. I get what she means. I stood in the kitchen tonight trying to consciously think about only cooking enough for us.

Sayschezza - Thank you for your comment. I will contact the solicitor and keep them abreast of the week’s happenings. I have said to the solicitor before that I feel like I’m trying to do everything according to the processes set out in law but I feel like I’m stuck in a game that I don’t know the rules of. It took me years to pluck up courage to ask for a separation and then even more time for it to actually happen but even then it’s been a weird time because of the ex dropping in when he feels like it.  I’m trying to work the future out by the legal rules but I don’t know what the ex is trying to do or achieve.

Kitten868 - please don’t worry I hadn’t interpreted anything as mean. I’m thankful for the advice and points that people make, because often there’s something I hadn’t thought of.
I am quite up and down at the moment but I think it’s a case of trying to find a new normal in it all. Usually I would get out for a good long walk and feel better for it but unfortunately I can’t with the self isolating☹️. Perhaps tomorrow I could forget the housework and stay in the garden!

Cherryfudge

Honeysucklelou2 said:

Thank you Cherryfudge and Spendless.

Cherryfudge - that is a thought in my mind, that I would prefer to be able to have the children be able to move back should they want to or need to. Thank you for the link...I’m even more confused in that I haven’t been contacted by NHS Test and Trace. I found out about being a close contact directly so don’t have an Test and trace number but I did check by ringing a helpline and they confirmed I needed to self isolate.

If you have a local District Council, you would need to speak to them, or to the Unitary Authority if that's what you have in your area. These are the local bodies that administer hardship payments for people who are isolating. You'll see from the link what sort of criteria have to be met. It's worth a try!