From debt to freedom...

Mumoffourkids

charlies_tribe said:

I have been reading your diary for a while as we are another 'large' family.  You seem to make it look so easy. You are doing amazing. 
I just wanted to say we had the same thing with DD1, We paid thousands for her driving lessons and car and first insurance but as soon as she left college she refused to contribute. I stopped making her meals and washing her clothes. Told her if I wanted a cleaner I had to pay for one. After running out of clothes she finally gave in and now pays it without fail (even this month when she has been living with he boyfriend for the last 10 weeks during lockdown).
I did feel really cruel but we were really struggling without her contribution x

Not cruel at all. I have had a few issues with my oldest (another large family here as well) and instead of me and her sorting out things, she decided to move out at 18. I am hoping that when she has to clear up after herself all the time, she will see that I wasn’t being unreasonable.

charlies_tribe

Mumoffourkids said:

charlies_tribe said:

I have been reading your diary for a while as we are another 'large' family.  You seem to make it look so easy. You are doing amazing. 
I just wanted to say we had the same thing with DD1, We paid thousands for her driving lessons and car and first insurance but as soon as she left college she refused to contribute. I stopped making her meals and washing her clothes. Told her if I wanted a cleaner I had to pay for one. After running out of clothes she finally gave in and now pays it without fail (even this month when she has been living with he boyfriend for the last 10 weeks during lockdown).
I did feel really cruel but we were really struggling without her contribution x

Not cruel at all. I have had a few issues with my oldest (another large family here as well) and instead of me and her sorting out things, she decided to move out at 18. I am hoping that when she has to clear up after herself all the time, she will see that I wasn’t being unreasonable.

Thank you both. It does seem unnatural to not do everything for them but I suppose they have to learn. Mumoffour I lurk on your diary daily too. My DDs exact words were 'I didn'task to be born'. I'm sure I wasn't that much of a difficult teen lol.

Mumoffourkids

I lurk on your diary too CT. I have gone through so many issues with my eldest. We went through a tough patch when she was 12/13, then we got on well for a while. It’s all gone downhill though the closer she got to her 18th birthday.

Sun_Addict

My DD was the same, the issues began around 12/13 then escalated throughout her teens. She still lives at home at the age of 33 😩 No conflicts now but she keeps herself to herself. Having had one of each, girls are definitely worse. Blooming hormones 😱

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Mumoffourkids, SH, Janb5 and Sun Addict and hello and welcome to Charlies_tribe. 

Charlies_tribe- I thought that was a really interesting phrase you used - “ it does seem unnatural to not do everything for them.” You’re right!

Mumoffourkids- Sorry to read that you have been having a challenging time with your eldest.

SA & Jan- I really hope he has had some sort of LBM and that he understands that contributing isn’t a one off. What concerns me most about his not contributing is that he is following in the exact steps of the ex. If the bill seemed invisible ( eg council tax, electricity, house insurance, broadband / phone)  he would not pay towards it. It does worry me that DS is so very similar. I’ve not discussed that trait in the ex with the children but it is truly bizarre that they should be so similar in this. 

Today seems to have been spent doing more work from home. I did manage to get to Mr T’s and got this week’s groceries. I did a menu plan and a list based on the menu plan but still managed to spend a huge amount. I did spend £10 on a pair of slip on pumps, as my current ones have got holes.

Last night was my first run in the rain - interesting experience!  I noticed the rain for the first 5 minutes but after that I was pretty wet so just carried on.  I’m on week 5 which seems to be a funny week, as not all 3 runs are the same in each week, as they have been. I’m enjoying the program and feel quite amazed that I ran run for more than a minute.

savingholmes

Well done on the run and good luck with board and lodging. I've warned DS I expect him to start contributing from his next payday in a month's time (his second payday in lockdown as a freelancer).

janb5

Excellent news about the running and so positive.  
It`s so easy to undermine the ex by subtle and not - so- subtle remarks and it is laudable that you`re not doing that however tempted!

Basically keep it simple- your household - your rules - and keep resolute.  I think the acronym is K.I. S. S  .keep it simple ( stupid!) but I prefer the meerkats...simples! You are giving all your children an invaluable lesson by showing them how to run a house on a limited budget and it`s amazing how much is unconsciously absorbed.  I have older adult children and it amuses me which characteristics/habits they have copied and which they have ignored!  Shucks!

Suffolksue

I think it’s called learned behaviour DS1 has learned that this is what men do/ how they behave towards women And it is ok
Sadly your girls are also learning  that this is normal .
love your runs etc .no way I could do all you do .

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you SH, Janb5 and Suffolksue.

Jan - I like that phrase “ your household, your rules”. I will keep that one in mind and therein lies the crux of the problem, I think, with DS1. He doesn’t want to or can’t accept that. Come to that I don’t think the ex accepts it either which is why I often think that post consent order, it would be better to move because I don’t think boundaries will be accepted until I do.

Saturday turned out to be a productive day. DD3 and I went to the allotment and picked our first harvest of the year - purple mangetout, a lettuce, gooseberries and 3 stems of Sweet  Williams. We did utilise some of the wild offerings - 30 elderflower heads and 4 or 5 sprays of honeysuckle. Part of the boundary hedge of the allotment has a huge honeysuckle plant so the bit I cut made very little difference, if any, to the mass of scented flowers. The Sweet Williams are now with the honeysuckle in a jug, brightening up the kitchen table.

Having spent lots of time on work tasks recently, I have done little baking, so caught up a bit . I made some caramel cupcakes, a batch of chocolate muffins and a courgette, lemon and poppy seed cake. The courgette cake was a first attempt at a recipe I’d seen.  It was delicious - quite a moist cake, the consistency of a good chocolate brownie. The boys immediately turned their noses up on the grounds of it containing poppy seeds and courgette, so the girls and I tucked in!  I used 8 of the elderflower heads to make some elderflower sorbet and the rest for elderflower cordial. Happily there are  at least 3 big elderflower bushes at the allotment, so more can hopefully be picked in a week’s time.

Money wise it’s been a mixed day. On the positive side, I banked £19 from plant sales. That brings the total this year to just over £70. The money paid in went straight out to make an overpayment on the window loan, thus bringing it into the £700s - hurray!

I did spend some money buying a Father’s Day present which will be delivered to my dad. It was a case of getting it done while I thought about it otherwise it will creep up on me and I’ll run out of time to get anything sent!

janb5

Hi HSL- lovely post about the gardening and such a productive day.  You certainly pack a lot in into your day!
I was wondering if the older children help with housework etc or does that fall into ` your jobs`  I am in awe of what you do and work as well! How lovely to have your Dad close by - I bet he is one of your staunch supporters!
Do post the recipes for the elderflower sorbet and cordial...yum!