Dads Funeral

peachyprice

Keep_pedalling wrote: »

Well I agree it is silly, but I have been told by fundamentalists that I need more faith than a believer to think that the overwhelming scientific evidence for evelution is actually true, or that the universe is billions of years old.

The religious right in the US are particularly silly in this aspect and are always painting us as being members of a relegion.

And there in lies the problem with organised religion!

Those fundamentalists are wrong, you live your day to day life following your own set of beliefs of what is, immoral and moral, ethical and unethical, where we came from and where we're going, why should those beliefs that you chose yourself be any less worthy than those that others have been told to follow.

onlyroz

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Sorry to hijack the thread, but going back to what someone said earlier, can you actually put explicit details in writing to say you absolutely do not want a religious funeral? If so, how? Who with?

I was talking about this thread to a couple we know - she is a believer, he is not. She said they would do this, as her hubby wants no religion in his funeral, but his friend who was there at the time said the vicar calls on everyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, and you won't have much choice with regards to the Church getting involved. He said you can have the funeral at a crem, but there will be a service from a vicar. I said surely not if it's a crem? He said 'yeah it is...' I have not been to a funeral at a crem for a decade, so can't remember who did the service.

Friend's hubby is 100% atheist, so how CAN you make sure no-one takes over and chucks religion in? and is it always a vicar that does the service?

(Sorry to sound dumb!)

It needs to go in your will and you need to make sure family knows your wishes incase the will isn't read until after the funeral. As for who does the ceremony - like I said above, my mum conducted the ceremony at my grandma's funeral (which was at the crem). Anyone you like can do it.

I've already agreed to conduct my mum's funeral myself in a similar manner when the time comes.

Primrose

I guess your brother did what he felt was best and would be of most comfort to those surviving, as those were the people who were having to live with the aftermath of his death. After all, whatever your dad wanted, he obviously didn't want it sufficiently strongly to have set out his wishes in his Will.


Try to let go. Your brother had the emotional hassle of organising the funeral, which is no walk in the park for a deceased family member, whatever their religion or lack of it. If you have strong feelings about your own funeral make sure they are expressed in your Will and those likely to be responsible for organising your funeral are well informed in writing of your wishes.

Ames

I've been to four funerals at a crem, two were religious two were humanist. In fact, I thought that one of the main reasons for having them at the crem was to avoid religion. The one funeral I've planned, the funeral director wanted us who we wanted to officiate (or whatever the correct term is) and then contacted them for us, that was a humanist. The funeral director already had his contact details. There was no attempt to push religion in at all, although mum didn't have any contact with a church for them to know or be involved.

I'd actually be complaining about a vicar who turns up at a bereaved household and takes over, especially if the deceased didn't have a personal relationship with him/her.

margaretclare

Ames wrote: »

I'd actually be complaining about a vicar who turns up at a bereaved household and takes over, especially if the deceased didn't have a personal relationship with him/her.

None of the vicars, curates or ministers I've known over the years would have done this.

A minister of the Methodist Church was very clear that it didn't matter where the body rested. 'He will know where to find His own'.

I feel very strongly that the deceased person's wishes should be carried out. To that end, instructions should be left in writing. My late daughter and I discussed 'green burials' - something she'd only recently heard about. We agreed that we'd both like that, when the time came. Going back to Mother Earth, a lovely idea. Trouble was, she died very suddenly and although she'd discussed with me, she hadn't mentioned it to her husband. His Mum came along, was very much against burials of any kind and he got shepherded into having a cremation for her. My opinion, as her mum, was nowhere.

This discussion about religion vs non-religion reminds me of something that happened a few years ago when I was working as a staff nurse in a local care home. A man there was dying and I was on duty over the weekend. His wife was disabled and couldn't visit him but she phoned to make sure we all knew that 'she wasn't religious and didn't want any religion for him'. I asked 'Well, you're not religious, but what about him - has he any opinions or preferences?' 'Oh well, he used to belong to the Elim Church but I stopped him going'. I got on the phone to the local Elim Church - not a church that I know anything about, just got it out of the phone book. A man came to visit. He stayed there for a long time and - I think - gave the man some comfort in his last hours of life. Well, the funeral was in the chapel at the local crem. I went along, and it was the same man who conducted the service. Very low-key, but very nice. He'd been told by the widow that there would be no hymns, but there was some organ music nevertheless - Handel's 'I Know that my Redeemer Liveth' from 'The Messiah'. Could not have been more appropriate!

Anyway, some said I'd exceeded my authority, it was nothing to do with me, I shouldn't have phoned the Elim man. But later, his brother turned up at the home and wanted to speak to 'that nurse who was responsible for his brother having religious comforts at his end'. And he thanked me with tears in his eyes! 'It would not have happened without you'. So, I was happy about it.

Lily-Rose_3

Nicki wrote: »

Your friend is wrong Lily Rose. You don't need anyone to officiate at a crematorium. When my dad died a few years ago stipulating no religious element at his funeral there were only the immediate family at the crematorium. It was a little chaotic with no one to coordinate things but we played some music on an MP3 player and all said a few words and that was that.

Thank you. What if the family do want someone else to officiate though? Is there anyone at the crem (non-religious) who would do it?

peachyprice wrote: »

Anyone can stand up and speak at a non-religious funeral, it's up to to the family whether they want to do it themselves or have an outsider, like someone from the Humanist society to speak, or indeed have nobody speaking at all, you just have to tell the crem.

I think the church seem to step in at the suggestion of the crem, particularly if it's an older person with very few family members, but it's certainly in no way compulsory, you friend is very wrong indeed.

Thank you.

onlyroz wrote: »

It needs to go in your will and you need to make sure family knows your wishes in case the will isn't read until after the funeral. As for who does the ceremony - like I said above, my mum conducted the ceremony at my grandma's funeral (which was at the crem). Anyone you like can do it.

I've already agreed to conduct my mum's funeral myself in a similar manner when the time comes.

That's good to know. So would that make sure no-one could take over, like a well-meaning vicar or someone else in the Church?

Marvel1

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Sorry to hijack the thread, but going back to what someone said earlier, can you actually put explicit details in writing to say you absolutely do not want a religious funeral? If so, how? Who with?

I was talking about this thread to a couple we know - she is a believer, he is not. She said they would do this, as her hubby wants no religion in his funeral, but his friend who was there at the time said the vicar calls on everyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, and you won't have much choice with regards to the Church getting involved. He said you can have the funeral at a crem, but there will be a service from a vicar. I said surely not if it's a crem? He said 'yeah it is...' I have not been to a funeral at a crem for a decade, so can't remember who did the service.

Friend's hubby is 100% atheist, so how CAN you make sure no-one takes over and chucks religion in? and is it always a vicar that does the service?

(Sorry to sound dumb!)

No idea, but went to a colleagues months ago at a crem, the family wore normal clothes, his life was celebrated, no religion and even played rock music.

Spendless

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Sorry to hijack the thread, but going back to what someone said earlier, can you actually put explicit details in writing to say you absolutely do not want a religious funeral? If so, how? Who with?

My Grandmother has written her funeral wishes into her will. As has already been pointed out, funerals often take place before the reading of any will, so the person planning the funeral would have to a) know the deceased wishes and b) follow them through.

As it happens my Nan then developed dementia and is still alive aged 92 in a nursing home. When my Mum got POA for her she went and paid for a funeral plan for her and in that stated what she (Nan) wanted based on what Nan had stipulated in her will.

Ames

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Thank you. What if the family do want someone else to officiate though? Is there anyone at the crem (non-religious) who would do it?



Thank you.



That's good to know. So would that make sure no-one could take over, like a well-meaning vicar or someone else in the Church?

As I understand it, there's no-one at the Crem who does officating and things, it's basically just room hire for the service. Their job is the bit afterwards.

You (or the funeral director) arrange who's going to lead the service, just like you/FD organises the flowers and who will do any readings, and music.

There won't be anyone waiting at the crem to jump in and take over. By the time you reach the crem all the organising has been done, you turn up for your slot and get on with it.

Sorry if my talking about it in a matter of fact, nuts and bolts way offends anyone.

Dird

Keep_pedalling wrote: »

I also am an atheist and although my will does state what I would like to happen to my remains

Why would you care? Feed my bones to my dogs for all I care