Need sound advice regarding relationship issue / break up

Guest101

dilemma10 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Hope you can help and give me some objective advice as I'm in bits here. Basically, I moved into my boyfriend's flat (I was actually his neighbour) about a year and a half into the relationship. I've since been living there almost 2 years. The biggest issue has been the lack of space - he owns his flat whereas I was only renting mine. In the space of the last 6 months we have been treading on each other's toes and started to argue because of the space. We said from Jan 2017 for 18 months we would save up and buy somewhere jointly.
HOWEVER, fast forward and I've been travelling a fair amount (just this last month). I came back home last Sunday after 9 days away and he was clearly excited to see me...but as soon as we got home he started chipping away at me scoring points about how he'd enjoyed his peace/space/keeping the flat tidy (ironic as I was the one who cleaned it top to bottom).
Matters escalated and by Wednesday we were tearing strips off each other - he said he couldn't bear the lack of space and when I said we were looking to buy somewhere he said he couldn't wait 18 months.
By 9am on Wednesday we were full blown slanging match and he asked for his keys back (he has done this a few times as a control issue) - Well he is entitled to ask for them back, it's his flat after all (you may have a beneficial interest if you've paid mortgage) but no right to live there . I called him on the way to work to ask if it were just a bad mood and he said no, he still wanted the keys back. So I took him up on the offer and moved out that evening - while I did this (he was out), he text me to say regardless of what I thought he did love me and it wasn't what he wanted. I obviously was seething so did not respond favourably. That was Wednesday evening and I've not heard anything since.
I am beside myself as I love him desperately but am frustrated that he is not running to chase me to get me back - well why aren't you doing that? . I am also annoyed because I know he loves me and people say he is besotted but he is 11 years older than me and has never married/settled down/had kids with anyone and my head is telling me this will never change.
What do I do? Only a week ago he was messaging me while I was away to say he was taking me to Paris for Christmas...fast forward two weeks later and I've been asked for the keys back to his flat?
Please help!

To be fair you seem to have taken some light hearted banter very personally.


Why don't you both move into a bigger rented property?

Guest101

dilemma10 wrote: »

He didn't return my call but apparently the mast has gone down. I messaged him on whatsapp instead and he was rather off with me. I offered to meet for a drink to talk and he replied he did not know what I wanted to talk about and that this year has been heated/arguments and stressful jobs. He seemed most annoyed that my Dad had called him (which I too am furious about by the way as it was none of his business). If you ask me the whole thing has blown up disproportionally and I hope I can salvage it.


I will learn my lesson and keep my mouth shut in future.

Don't keep your mouth shut, just don't react to playful teasing by having a go.


Him: Ive really enjoyed having my own space
You: well feel free to get me a spa weekend away whenever you fancy.

Claire_A87

It's not about keeping your mouth shut, but communicating effectively and to stop all the game playing. We all say things we don't mean, and it's not uncommon for things to get out of hand in the heat of the moment, but waiting for him to 'chase you' was daft; you're not in high school. I'd put my heart on the line if there was a chance it would salvage a relationship with someone I loved. Tell him you're really sorry for the things you said and hope he is sorry too, that you love him and don't want to lose him & want to sit down and talk about what you can both do to move things forward. That you'd rather do that than stubbornly stand your ground and regret it later.

At least then you know you've tried.

Oh and definitely have a word with your Dad. He shouldn't be getting involved.

dilemma10

Thanks for the advice, I agree. I have tried this but he doesn't seem to be coming round - maybe needs more time. Least I know I have tried and have approached him to make amends and wipe the slate clean...!

dilemma10

Guest101 wrote: »

To be fair you seem to have taken some light hearted banter very personally.


Why don't you both move into a bigger rented property?

Yes, maybe - it is fired at me quite a bit though!


Yes, I've explored all manner of options from selling the flat he has and releasing the equity (but putting a trust document in place to ensure he owns more of the property than I do) to talking constructively about a savings pot for a bigger place to tidying up as much as possible and being away/out and about to ensure the space.


Believe you me - I do make compromises.

Top_Girl

Are you more interested in being right or being happy?


It does all seem very childish; game playing and throwing people out at a moment's notice (and indeed, leaving at a moment's notice) seems like a Jeremy Kyle guest couple to me rather than two fully grown adults who have lived together for a considerable amount of time. I can't imagine a circumstance beyond an actual physical altercation where I would pack up or leave on the spot over an argument. Go stay with a friend or book into a b and b, absolutely.


If you want to be chased, join a running group.

hazyjo

Some people are naturally selfish, some don't like sharing their space and begrudge it, and take everything you do (and they don't - like the dusting, whatever) as a personal dig.


It's not the lack of space, it's the fact that the space is HIS space and he's reluctant to give it up or share it.


When I split with my husband, I moved into my BF's one bed small flat from my 4 storey 4 bed house. The lack of space didn't bother me nor him.


It MAY change if you jointly own somewhere, but, trust me, he will see HIS things still as his things, and yours as yours. It's a really horrible situation to be in. My ex was similar and I ended up just leaving the cooking and kitchen stuff to him as I never seemed to be able to do anything right. He was also very picky about decorating and furniture. We loved each other, as I'm sure you 2 do, but it's not enough to make it last. You'll just niggle and eat away at each other. It can be toxic.


He likes having you as a GF, but that's it. Same as my ex. We never should have got married, but I only saw that with hindsight. He worked much better with 'just a girlfriend', not someone he had to actually live with or share his life/stuff with. He hated moving into my house (before we bought together) and moaned about/criticised lots.


Good luck!


Jx

dilemma10

Top_Girl wrote: »

Are you more interested in being right or being happy?


It does all seem very childish; game playing and throwing people out at a moment's notice (and indeed, leaving at a moment's notice) seems like a Jeremy Kyle guest couple to me rather than two fully grown adults who have lived together for a considerable amount of time. I can't imagine a circumstance beyond an actual physical altercation where I would pack up or leave on the spot over an argument. Go stay with a friend or book into a b and b, absolutely.


If you want to be chased, join a running group.

Yes I see what you mean but it hasn't been the first time - on other occasions I have stayed with friends! This time, I snapped!

ttoli

Lbuk wrote: »

I think that you need to not live together for a while and whatever that means for your future only time will tell.

Older men who have avoided marriage/children do not change. Ever.

Ever!

I married one, my sister had a child with one and my friend married one. They do the minimum that they have to do to maintain the relationship and if they are decent people they can be prodded into considering your feelings but it never becomes automatic.

They either control you or do without you.

rather unfair generalisation

Pollycat

dilemma10 wrote: »

He didn't return my call but apparently the mast has gone down. I messaged him on whatsapp instead and he was rather off with me. I offered to meet for a drink to talk and he replied he did not know what I wanted to talk about and that this year has been heated/arguments and stressful jobs. He seemed most annoyed that my Dad had called him (which I too am furious about by the way as it was none of his business). If you ask me the whole thing has blown up disproportionally and I hope I can salvage it.


I will learn my lesson and keep my mouth shut in future.

I'm not sure the 'whole thing has been blown up disproportionately' and I'm not sure you'll get the chance to learn your lesson & keep your mouth shut.

He might have decided that he'd rather be on his own.
If that's not how he feels, then I think he's punishing you to bring you to heel.
Might be a good time to take stock of your life and ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship like this - if you even get the chance to make that decision.

I would have been furious with my Father for interfering too but that's the risk you run when you involve other people in your relationship issues.
My friend was the same, always running to her parents when she'd had a row with her OH and then couldn't understand why they were cool towards him when they were all lovey-dovey again.