Need sound advice regarding relationship issue / break up

balletshoes

dilemma10 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Hope you can help and give me some objective advice as I'm in bits here. Basically, I moved into my boyfriend's flat (I was actually his neighbour) about a year and a half into the relationship. I've since been living there almost 2 years. The biggest issue has been the lack of space - he owns his flat whereas I was only renting mine. In the space of the last 6 months we have been treading on each other's toes and started to argue because of the space. We said from Jan 2017 for 18 months we would save up and buy somewhere jointly.
HOWEVER, fast forward and I've been travelling a fair amount (just this last month). I came back home last Sunday after 9 days away and he was clearly excited to see me...but as soon as we got home he started chipping away at me scoring points about how he'd enjoyed his peace/space/keeping the flat tidy (ironic as I was the one who cleaned it top to bottom).
Matters escalated and by Wednesday we were tearing strips off each other - he said he couldn't bear the lack of space and when I said we were looking to buy somewhere he said he couldn't wait 18 months.
By 9am on Wednesday we were full blown slanging match and he asked for his keys back (he has done this a few times as a control issue).
I called him on the way to work to ask if it were just a bad mood and he said no, he still wanted the keys back. So I took him up on the offer and moved out that evening - while I did this (he was out), he text me to say regardless of what I thought he did love me and it wasn't what he wanted. I obviously was seething so did not respond favourably. That was Wednesday evening and I've not heard anything since.
I am beside myself as I love him desperately but am frustrated that he is not running to chase me to get me back.
I am also annoyed because I know he loves me and people say he is besotted but he is 11 years older than me and has never married/settled down/had kids with anyone and my head is telling me this will never change.
What do I do? Only a week ago he was messaging me while I was away to say he was taking me to Paris for Christmas...fast forward two weeks later and I've been asked for the keys back to his flat?
Please help!

It would appear from your first post in this thread OP that theres been a bit of game-playing in your relationship already, aren't you both too old for playing control games and chase-me?

C_Mababejive

Stay away and let this be a lesson NEVER to live anywhere that you dont have a legal right to live.

lika_86

It sounds like neither of you communicate well with each other or these things wouldn't have blown up.

I live in a small one bedroom flat with my boyfriend so I know the issues you can have without a lot of space. However, if you communicate and are practical, there are ways around the space issue - taking time to go and do your own thing in separate rooms, even if it's just watching different things on TV (one in the bedroom, one in the lounge). Unless one of you has a very space-occupying or noisy hobby, it's difficult to see how space can be a really big, relationship-affecting issues. Of course, you have to address whether the issue is the space or whether it's something more fundamental.

The fact that his reaction is to demand your keys suggests that he doesn't the flat as your home as much as his (at the worst, if you really do need some time apart then you should be discussing one of you spending a few nights at a friends or something, rather than him essentially denying you access to your home).

It sounds like you do both care about each other and that it could work, but if you can't learn to communicate then you're better off living alone.

ViolaLass

Are you bothered because you want him back or because you want him to chase you?

Marvel1

After reading that, I'm wondering why you both want to commit buying a property together! It won't be as simple give me my keys and moving out, there is a mortgage involved.

He he texted you first saying sorry, you replied something else not the same, and now wondering why he is not chasing you! Get over yourself.

Pollycat

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

How old are you both?

I wondered that too, especially in light of the OP's comment below:

dilemma10 wrote: »

I am beside myself as I love him desperately but am frustrated that he is not running to chase me to get me back.

That doesn't sound like a mature attitude and would agree with balletshoes' comment below.

balletshoes wrote: »

It would appear from your first post in this thread OP that theres been a bit of game-playing in your relationship already, aren't you both too old for playing control games and chase-me?

dilemma10 wrote: »

I am also annoyed because I know he loves me and people say he is besotted but he is 11 years older than me and has never married/settled down/had kids with anyone and my head is telling me this will never change

Why are you annoyed about this?
Have you had a conversation about starting a family?
Is that what you both want?

TBH, you both sound a little childish with you stropping off and then expecting him to run to chase you to get you back and him playing the 'I want my keys back' card.

AshleyBurf

Is it an actual break up? It sounds like he just needs his space back.

In a couple we will invade each other's space. Space doesn't mean break up always... perhaps you just need to live apart for a while.

I think you need to clear that part of the conversation up.

"Do you want us to break up? Or do you want us to just live separately and build ourselves as individual people again?"

dilemma10

Yes, to be honest, I now accept that I have maybe not been very mature about the whole thing and have, in the heat of the moment, executed what he wanted me to do - which was to hand the keys back. I did call him up on the way to work to double check this/ask if he had calmed down and he said no. So you cannot really blame me for now being puzzled. Anyway, I swallowed my pride and called him last night but he hasn't returned the call...!

Pollycat

dilemma10 wrote: »

Yes, to be honest, I now accept that I have maybe not been very mature about the whole thing and have, in the heat of the moment, executed what he wanted me to do - which was to hand the keys back. I did call him up on the way to work to double check this/ask if he had calmed down and he said no. So you cannot really blame me for now being puzzled. Anyway, I swallowed my pride and called him last night but he hasn't returned the call...!

Well done you for admitting that you didn't behave well. :T

But neither did he and he's continuing to behave badly.
It sounds to me that he wants you out if his flat but possibly wants to continue the relationship.
Only you can know if that's what you want long-term.

Good Luck.

dilemma10

He didn't return my call but apparently the mast has gone down. I messaged him on whatsapp instead and he was rather off with me. I offered to meet for a drink to talk and he replied he did not know what I wanted to talk about and that this year has been heated/arguments and stressful jobs. He seemed most annoyed that my Dad had called him (which I too am furious about by the way as it was none of his business). If you ask me the whole thing has blown up disproportionally and I hope I can salvage it.


I will learn my lesson and keep my mouth shut in future.