Should I end it....

longleggedhair

Basically to cut a long story short I have been with my partner for a little over a year now and I really don't know what to do.

Normally in relationships in the past I've known if it feels right or not, but with him I just can't make up my mind.

I met him and we clicked rather quickly, and fell in love. The big problem being that he is a Muslim (not practicing) and I most certainly am not.

The problem is not with him, because he is perfect-kind attentive affectionate and I really do love him, but with his family. They are viscous and behave appallingly, they constantly give him abuse particularly his mother because he's not leading the "Islamic" lifestyle.

I've never even met any of them (nor would I want to), but I hear his mother constantly screaming on the phone that he's a devil is going to hell etc on an almost daily basis.

I perhaps could cope with this for him-but what really gets me is that instead of standing up for himself (or me) he just takes it (when I challenge this he says there is no point because they are backwards in their views and are fanatical about the religion, and it would only make matters worse) he goes to see his mom every week and comes back riddled with guilt because every time he sees her she crys and puts him on a guilt trip (IE how could you abandon me and God etc) and all the poor lad is doing is trying to have a normal life like everyone else.

Part of me wants to stand by him and also not let them win, but another part of me feels like I don't want the stress and hassle potentially forever. Do I leave the man I love because of his mad family, or just resolve to accept their abuse forever? It's really totally confusing me.

whitewing

Initially I thought 'leave' because you wouldn't be posting anyway.

But it is complicated. I personally would book some sessions with a counsellor (sp?) and talk it through.

FBaby

How about you respect that he is trying his best? You need to appreciate that even though he has chosen not to follow the religion he was born with, the religion has impacted the social circle he has grown into. Whereas it is acceptable (to a much higher degree anyway) to tell your parents to p*** off in a certain society, this is something unimaginable in another circle, even if you don't follow the religion.

In the end, it is his choice how he deals with this, your concern is how it affects you personally. If he treats you well and you share common values and principles, then does it matter? Is it worth giving up the relationship for this?

I do appreciate there is the future to consider though, and that's where you need to consider whether your values and principles might defer when it comes to more serious decisions (marriage, family etc...).

Knightsuntold

Oh, that's such a difficult situation to be in.

I can understand that you want your partner to stand up for you and for himself, but if he does, the chances are he will be cut off from his family. For some people, this is no big deal, but for others, especially in the way that he's likely to have been brought up, family is everything. Standing up to them in the way that you want is not going to change their mindset, when it is that ingrained. He is standing up to them though - he could have caved and ended the relationship, but he's still with you, and that says a lot. He's also trying to be a good son to his mum, despite everything, and I think that the way a man treats his mum says a lot about the man.

I think the question must be do you love him enough to put up with it for a very long time, and to be able to support him? Put his feelings first? He must dread going home to his mum, because he knows there will be a storm of weeping and guilt trips, but equally, he must dread coming back to you, because he'll know how you must feel. There's a chance that the longer you are together and the happier he is, his mum may see that and calm down, but it's by no means guaranteed.

Diary

I'm not religious at all but in my highly limited knowledge people of the Muslim religion seem to care a great deal about family. You will be in for a great deal of hassle if you carry on with this as you are or you could simply accept your boyfriend for who he is and embrace it.

Can you see yourself letting your boyfriend taking any children to visit it's grandparents for instance if the relationship goes that far. You say you don't want to get to know or even meet any of his family - why not give them a chance? His mum might be upset she hasn't met you and your boyfriend has told them you don't want to meet them.

You will need to be a bit more relaxed and accepting if you want to carry on. Couples of different religious views can work with a lot of give and take and acceptance of those differing views.

elsien

Have you had any conversations about the future and where you both potentially see the relationship going? Do you live together at the moment or just spend time together.
If he's struggling with how things are now it's only going to get more difficult if you choose to marry and start a family, for example will any children be brought up in a religion and if so which one? Either? Both? It's something you're going to need to discuss at some point.
It's not necessarily insurmountable but you both need to be clear about what is important to the other and what they can let go.

balletshoes

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Oh, that's such a difficult situation to be in.

I can understand that you want your partner to stand up for you and for himself, but if he does, the chances are he will be cut off from his family. For some people, this is no big deal, but for others, especially in the way that he's likely to have been brought up, family is everything. Standing up to them in the way that you want is not going to change their mindset, when it is that ingrained. He is standing up to them though - he could have caved and ended the relationship, but he's still with you, and that says a lot. He's also trying to be a good son to his mum, despite everything, and I think that the way a man treats his mum says a lot about the man.

I think the question must be do you love him enough to put up with it for a very long time, and to be able to support him? Put his feelings first? He must dread going home to his mum, because he knows there will be a storm of weeping and guilt trips, but equally, he must dread coming back to you, because he'll know how you must feel. There's a chance that the longer you are together and the happier he is, his mum may see that and calm down, but it's by no means guaranteed.

I think this is the crux OP, do you think you can do this? I also think, in the circumstances, that you should have a conversation with your boyfriend and ask him what he envisages your marriage and family life will be like with children in the mix, with his family the way they are? With cross-cultural or cross-religion relationships you really can't assume anything, you need to ask the questions (I'm married to a fairweather Muslim who's family are far more devout than he is or has ever been).

sheramber

because he is perfect-kind attentive affectionate and that is why he is acting as he does with his mother

JReacher1

Seems a bit strange this. You claim you love him and it seems like he is nothing but affectionate to you. However because he has an overbearing mother you think you should leave him.

It doesn't seem like enough of a reason to break up with someone you claim you love.

GwylimT

She sounds like my mother! I regularly receive post detailing why I'm going to hell and she buys me christian magazine subscriptions, the joys!

pinkshoes

I think the difficult decision lies with him and not with you...

By the sounds of it, his family are making him choose between him doing what he wants, and what they want, with the former meaning they will cut him off.

They may sounds like awful people, and IMHO really are horrible people making someone choose like that, but for him to just ditch the people that raised him is a big decision for him.

So even if you choose to stay with him, the decision still lies with what he is wanting/willing to do.

Good luck. Rather you than me...