Advice for alcoholic...

KRB2725

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

DavidP24

There is nothing you could have done really.

Where I used to live I had a guy upstairs, he did receive support, he decided he wanted to get clean, he got housed, got his life back together in building trade and even helped others get clean.

However, something went wrong in his life, he became depressed again and it started all over. He was a functioning alcoholic for most of the day, his mates from whatever site they were working on dropped him off every day. He would struggle up to his flat, the communal areas trodden through with mud and/or vomit.

Then would come what I call the shouty phase, his voice became more throaty and he would shout at people as if they were in his flat. Then there would be clatter and finally he would collapse into sleep. Next morning the lads from the site would come and try to wake him but proved impossible so they had to go. They came back for him later and so it went on. When he ran out of money he would bang on all the other flats at 6am to 11pm asking to borrow money he never repaid.

His sister used to come around and I could hear her shouting at him, trying to drill some sense into him.

Often his "mates" came around, helped him spend his money, they did a lot of drugs and got him addicted, pretty soon he had a more complicated habit and started dealing to fund it. This got quite serious, it brought a whole new clientèle to the area. Then he lost his job and stepped up his dealing. He was really dumb about it and a few weeks later there was a raid and he was arrested.

Even this did not motivate him to sort his life out and he eventually lost him home.

I do feel that there was an underlying depression but also an addictive personality, it is a lethal combination.

He had all the breaks, was given the support, even helped others but he could not help himself.

I suspect he will end up the same way as your BIL, I do agree with others that he has to hit rock bottom if there is any hope for him and you cannot enable him with money.

ohreally

Input appreciated.

Thanks folks.

Sicard

The alcoholic scenario can be described as a game. My late sis played this too. The alcoholic sees themselves as a victim and there's usually two other players, the rescuer and the pursuer. In some schools of psychology it's called the Eternal Triangle and it's self perpetuating. It just goes round and round until the players stop playing the game... or the victim dies. This viewpoint was devised by Eric Berne in his book Games People Play. It's just another way of looking at the situation and very interesting.

Sometimes the 'victim' knows there's a problem and promises to stop drinking but usually doesn't or they don't admit there's a problem because the self destruction urge is too great.

My advice is to seek advice from the AA or it's spin-offs.

DavidP24

I would not give them that much intelligence.

I will never forget the knock I got at the door from guy telling me his father had just had a stroke and he needed £3 to get to the hospital (not local one). £3 was of course the price of a bottle of cider.

What he did not know was I had recently lost a dear friend to a stroke, his lying about such a serious thing was the last straw. I told him to hitch hike.

Had he asked me for a life to the hospital in the first place I would have taken him.

Pollycat

Sad news for the family.

BIL 'B' was your main concern when you started this thread.
His brother's death may have made him think about his own situation but I'd guess he's probably too far along the road to make that decision for himself.

Without access to his brother's money on a permanent basis, he will be even more desperate to cadge money from friends and family.

I think you must stay strong and resist his pleas as you have done in the past.

System

Unfortunately alcoholics are very devious. Ive had my Son knock on my door at 1am drunk as a skunk asking me for money to feed his dog.

"If youve got enough to get hammered with, youve got enough to feed your dog with" was my answer as i shoved a tin of dog food into his hand.

He must have thought i was as stupid as he was.

pearl123

Its down the the individual to reach rock bottom and then decide to tackle their addiction.
If they don't the outcome can be horrendous.
All addictions are very sad not only for the person but for those around them.

System

Ive seen my Son go from one addiction to another, alcohol he said, was the hardest to beat.

Fireflyaway

You could see if there is a floating support service near you. They primarily assist with people with housing issues but potentially if the drinking / lack of money is putting the tenancy at risk they might still be able to help. They can put them in touch with other support services.
As others have said, these are grown men who are free to make their own choices ( even if those are bad ones). For that reason I think there is little you can do. Perhaps take some food round to the remaining brother but don't engage in requests for money or anything else. It would be hard enough with one dependent brother but two doing it together is going to take a lot to break the cycle now its become their lifestyle. Most of all don't blame yourself or feel responsible. These are adults who are making bad choices and you can't fix that. Let them know you are there but don't expect change.