Am I being selfish???

Kim_kim

OP - I had a relationship rather like you describe, it ended.

It didn't start out exactly like that, but feelings of resentment didn't take that long.

My ex had a hobby with friends a fair drive away which took care of most of Saturday daytime, he arrived back with his child (collected en route) & entertained her until Sunday late afternoon early evening. So basically Saturdays & Sundays I was pretty much left to my own devices. Saturday morning I did the housework, Saturday afternoon the shopping, came home to cook dinnner. Sunday morning I cooked them a breakfast & they generally went off to do something (I was always welcome to tag along), then I cooked dinner & he returned his child (took about 2 hours) & I was left to clear up after dinner.

He paid exactly half the household basic bills. Monday to Friday there isn't a lot of energy to do much after long hard days at work.

I did feel a bit used & resentful, like a landlady providing rock bottom lodging rates with "extra benefits" thrown in.

There was always the idea that one of his children would need to move in at sometime & frankly I wasn't up for adding to my cooking & cleaning.

seven-day-weekend

clairec79 wrote: »

So you make it obvious that your, adult, presumable self sufficient, children can move it at any time they want, but his child(ren) isn't welcome.

It's her house.

19lottie82

peachyprice wrote: »

At the age of 12 the child would very much have a say as to which parent they wanted to live with were it to go as far a court.

Thankfully a mother stamping her little feet because she'd lose out financially would not be considered a reason to force the child to stay with his/her mother against their wishes.

Maybe so but that doesn't mean the mother would just let the son move in with his Dad willingly. She's unlikely to just "hand him over". Possibly for financial reasons, and / or other reasons.

FBaby

"Ours" has to be deserved

Really and how do you do that? Would you say the same thing if a poster came in saying that she was a single mum with no assets, moved with her boyfriend who was financially stable and own his house, she contributed half of the bills because she worked part-time and couldn't afford more? What would SHE need to do to deserve a part of the house after 9 years together even though she wasn't able to pay more?

peachyprice

19lottie82 wrote: »

Maybe so but that doesn't mean the mother would just let the son move in with his Dad willingly. She's unlikely to just "hand him over". Possibly for financial reasons, and / or other reasons.

This is a child, not property, the mother doesn't have the right to hang on to a son who doesn't want to live with her for her own financial/other reasons. Both parents share equal status.

Pixie5740

MC101 wrote: »

I understand If you get with a man with children there is a possibility this could happen, and I could possible accept it a little more if our relationship was better. We don't do much as a couple, we have never been on holiday. If we do do anything he feels guilty his children hasn't come along. He doesn't understand we need to do things as a couple. I don't see he much as he is working or doing things for his family and friends so if the child moved in I would do most of the cooking cleaning etc for him. I just wanted someone else's opinion really

I think this is the core of the problem. If your relationship was better then it would be easier to accept his child coming to live with you. As it is, it appears as though he takes you for granted, you go without (I know not everything is split 50/50 in a relationship because one person usually earns more) so that he can continue to subside his ex to sit on her !!!! all day. I know several couples where one party can't do enough for other people but take their OH for granted. It never ends well.

19lottie82

peachyprice wrote: »

This is a child, not property, the mother doesn't have the right to hang on to a son who doesn't want to live with her for her own financial/other reasons. Both parents share equal status.

I'm an ideal world maybe. But realistically the Mother could make things very difficult, even if the child vocalised wanting to live with his father.

What I'm trying to point out is, it may not be as simple as the son saying he wants to move in and the mother dropping him off with his stuff. To assume it would be is very naive.

Ozzuk

I'm with Person_One, you can't just choose to accept the person and not his children. Maybe if there were discussions when you first started dating that made it clear they wouldn't be welcome it would be different, otherwise I think you are being selfish.

You should decide if this is a deal breaker and if you both need to move on - you could take it as an opportunity to bring you all closer together as a family, make more of a joint financial commitment - or you walk away.

This really sounds like a problem that comes up in the first few months of dating, not 9 years later!

Any

FBaby wrote: »

Really and how do you do that? Would you say the same thing if a poster came in saying that she was a single mum with no assets, moved with her boyfriend who was financially stable and own his house, she contributed half of the bills because she worked part-time and couldn't afford more? What would SHE need to do to deserve a part of the house after 9 years together even though she wasn't able to pay more?

By spending time together and being a real couple?
Contribute in other ways then just financially? Creating a home is not just paying..as many stay at home (usually parents) know.
From the OPs post that doesn't seem to be the case.