Am I being selfish???

martinbuckley

Sounds like you'd be happier if your BF/Lodger didn't have a previous life. Does he feel the same way about the possibility of your kids moving back?

If he does, then its probably time you called it a day and got a cat for company instead.

Any

So he pays £250 a month, has someone to shop, clea, wash, iron, cook and than he doesn't spend any time with you, or doing things as a couple..

Where do I sign? I'll pay £300 and take you out for a meal every month, cook on Saturdays and do a big job of your choosing on your Bday-you choose, paint a bathroom, replace taps etc.

No wonder you are worried about his kid, his friend, or his dog moving in... they'll all treat you the same and you know it.

I don't go with the "you always knew he had kids, you don't want to accept him as he is or his poor little kiddies, poor man cannot afford any more.."

To me that is rubbish. Man can show his love and support with other things than money. Like attention and respect. I think the kid is muddying the water here-you weren't sure about this before and now you feel panic when the pressure is to increase.

Unless.. I misread all your posts and he is not that bad.. maybe even very good! As you are reading this, either you are nodding or you are out to deffend him..
That will be your answer!

Marvel1

If your kids wanted to move back, would you let them?

seven-day-weekend

I think it should have been made clear at the start of the relationship what each person's relationship with the other person's children was going to be.

If the OP does not want his son living with her (and I see no reason why she is obliged to want it), then the father will have to make alternative arrangements. It's his responsibility, not hers.

I would, and have, said the same thing if the genders were reversed.

FBaby

To me that is rubbish. Man can show his love and support with other things than money. Like attention and respect. I think the kid is muddying the water here-you weren't sure about this before and now you feel panic when the pressure is to increase.

It goes both ways though. When after 8 years living together, your partner still talks about THEIR house and you are only paying board, then that doesn't show much commitment in the relationship.

I expect they are both protecting themselves and as such, the relationship never went beyond that of boyfriend/girlfriend. Why should he pay more than his half of the bills (and £500 seems about right for two people) if OP makes it clear that the house is hers only? He would be mad to put more into a house that he has no right (or very little and would then cost him to defend in court), so it makes perfect sense that he should pay towards a house (his old one) where he is then legally entitled to get money out of one day.

Unfortunately, it sounds like both OP and her boyfriend never took the next step of commitment to become partners in life and made due with the relationship, however this is now starting to cause them problems. I can't see them being willing to commit now the issues have come up if they were not before, so can't see this relationship progressing anywhere. 9 years is a very long time to still have no sharing of family/assets/time.

Any

FBaby wrote: »

It goes both ways though. When after 8 years living together, your partner still talks about THEIR house and you are only paying board, then that doesn't show much commitment in the relationship.

I expect they are both protecting themselves and as such, the relationship never went beyond that of boyfriend/girlfriend. Why should he pay more than his half of the bills (and £500 seems about right for two people) if OP makes it clear that the house is hers only? He would be mad to put more into a house that he has no right (or very little and would then cost him to defend in court), so it makes perfect sense that he should pay towards a house (his old one) where he is then legally entitled to get money out of one day.

Unfortunately, it sounds like both OP and her boyfriend never took the next step of commitment to become partners in life and made due with the relationship, however this is now starting to cause them problems. I can't see them being willing to commit now the issues have come up if they were not before, so can't see this relationship progressing anywhere. 9 years is a very long time to still have no sharing of family/assets/time.

Oh well, we will have to disagree on that one.
"Ours" has to be deserved. And in here she probably said that to fully disclose the situation. That is neither here nor there.
£250 a month full board with built in cleaner (from what OP says) is a bargain, sorry.
I know grown up kids that pay more to their parents.
But we only know 1 side of the story.

I agree that after 9 years living like that I cannot see how this can really progress.

19lottie82

All these ifs and buts aside......

Would the child's mother even let the child move in with his father? Despite the fact that they simply might not want them to, they would lose maintenance and risk the mortgage payments being stopped or reduced.

So in answer to my question....... I doubt it!

clairec79

So you make it obvious that your, adult, presumable self sufficient, children can move it at any time they want, but his child(ren) isn't welcome.

NYM

All relationships start with those rose tinted spectacles...we don't see the little things the other does as niggles or bad habits. We don't look for them.

But, moving in together is a whole different scenario. Couples have to be far more practical and need to remove all emotion from the process. It should be like a contract and negotiations about finances would be a major consideration.

However, the sense I get from the OP is that there is a tinge of resentfulness that the child may want to live with you both. The finances don't seem to have been an issue for the last nine years.

peachyprice

19lottie82 wrote: »

All these ifs and buts aside......

Would the child's mother even let the child move in with his father? Despite the fact that they simply might not want them to, they would lose maintenance and risk the mortgage payments being stopped or reduced.

So in answer to my question....... I doubt it!

At the age of 12 the child would very much have a say as to which parent they wanted to live with were it to go as far a court.

Thankfully a mother stamping her little feet because she'd lose out financially would not be considered a reason to force the child to stay with his/her mother against their wishes.