Am I being selfish???

Guest101

MC101 wrote: »

The mother choses not to work, Im not sure how the gets away with it. The child in question is 12. but they also an older child. I am grateful to all your replies.

Probably because her housing is being paid for....

paddy's_mum

AndyBSG wrote: »

Bottom line is that at the moment he is having his cake and eating and so is his ex with you at the bottom of the chain picking up the shortfall.

...and it is this that is making you feel so resentful, no doubt.

Sambella

So. It seems the ex is on benefits. When Universal Credit comes she will be forced to work or face sanctions. When youngest turns thirteeen this work will be expected to at least earn her the equivalent of 35 hrs on minimum wage. If not she will have to seek a second job. She may no longer be able to 'choose'.

Her maintenance payments will be ON TOP of any benefits she gets.

Was your partner ordered to pay the mortgage?

System

How old is this child who might want to move in? Whos fault is it this child and its Mother isnt getting on?

My youngest daughter and i argued a lot. She has always been fiesty and i'm not but she knew as well as i did, if she burned her bridges she would have no where to go so we both had to give and take (and tolerate each other to an extent).

As long as this child isnt using his Dad as excuse to not sort things with its Mum and was unable (not unwilling) to support himself financially i would relent.

His Dad would need to pay more into the family purse though so that you dont have to bear the cost alone.

baby_lemonade

OP sees it as her house not their house, hence the feelings of resentment. This man is just a boyfriend and a freeloader as far as she is concerned. The reality might, of course, be different..

Sambella

What does the boyfriend earn and would he be able to afford to rent somewhere privately if he wasn't with you?

Who decided on the £250 payment? Is this a fair amount towards half of the utility bills and food?

maman

On the face of things it does seem as if you're being selfish BUT.....


Your children are grown up now (as are mine) so to go back to having awkward adolescents living with you for the next few years isn't something to look forward to.


I, too, would feel resentful that his ex wasn't working when you are working full time. Presumably he intends to keep paying the mortgage and then realise his asset when the youngest is 18?


Your relationship doesn't sound too healthy to me. I'm all for separate finances to an extent but your situation sounds like he's more of a lodger than a partner. Why don't you do things together? Is it because he can't afford to go anywhere which would cause further resentment?


Try going out for a nice free walk to look at the autumn colours and talk to each other.:)

MC101

Thank you for you comments, they have been really helpful.
The child is just having issues with not like being told what to do, he's just at that age. I will be honest after reading some replys don't want him to move in because of my relationship with his dad . I do feel he lives with me like a lodger even one of my children told him he uses the house like a hotel. That should of sent me warning bells. I must have a different out look in our relationship than him if he feels it ok to have one of his children living with us. Don't get me wrong he's a lovely man, we do things for each others children but our personal one just seems worse. He will pay for the house until the youngest turns 18 but I will not be surprised that it will not be sold as some excuse will be made by the ex. I do need to take a deep breath and have a heart to heart. Thank you for your comments

AylesburyDuck

MC101 wrote: »

I have been with my partner for around nine years. I have children living away from home but with todays pricing with rents etc they could have to move back home at any time. My partner has younger children that live with their mum in a house they jointly own and he pays the mortgage as she does not work. Also CSA which doesn't leave him much but enough to treat the kiddies and a few pints.
He moved in after about 1 year, into my house and pays me 250 per month.. I work full time and pay most of the bills.
My problem is I know at one stage he would like one of his children to move in. He is not getting along with his mother at the moment. My partner said he could always come and stay for a few days to cool off, but Im worried that he would just not leave.( my partner would want this) I would be ok with just a few days we all need space. Also his children only stay when his ex wants a baby sitter or they are in a mood with their mum. I makes me feel used by all of them for my house. If he asked me out right if he could move in and I said no I know it would be the end of us as he would see me as a horrible person.
I understand If you get with a man with children there is a possibility this could happen, and I could possible accept it a little more if our relationship was better. We don't do much as a couple, we have never been on holiday. If we do do anything he feels guilty his children hasn't come along. He doesn't understand we need to do things as a couple. I don't see he much as he is working or doing things for his family and friends so if the child moved in I would do most of the cooking cleaning etc for him. I just wanted someone else's opinion really

You need to be saying ALL of the above to your partner, his reaction to it will give you a much much clearer picture.
For the record, and if it were me, i'd feel pretty taken advantage of TBH, it doesnt sound much of a partner ship and very one sided.:(

FBaby

As you've hinted, it would be madness to take on his child when your relationship seems quite rocky. I have to say that your arrangements are quite odd for a couple who has been together for 9 months. How is it that you are considering him as lodger and thinks that he acts as such too? Has there never been talked about commitment beyond that level of relationship? How long has he lived in your property? Because you know that after some time, he could potentially claim an interest?

Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion about your relationship very shortly, certainly before he tells his son he can move in.