Am I being selfish???

baby_lemonade

Well it sounds like he needed somewhere to live, as his ex still had the marital home, and OP was as good an option as any..

Could be wrong, will have to see if she comes back and updates.

Guest101

baby_lemonade wrote: »

Well it sounds like he needed somewhere to live, as his ex still had the marital home, and OP was as good an option as any..

Could be wrong, will have to see if she comes back and updates.

To be fair 9 years later, it may be a stretch

Person_one

I have to say, I don't think you should ever get serious and move in with somebody who has children if you can't consider the possibility of those children living with you too at some point in the future. There's always a chance it could happen, whether it's simply because it's what both parent and child want, or if the other parent gets ill or dies (it does happen).

enthusiasticsaver

If your relationship with your partner is not great now it will be worse if his son moves in especially if he is difficult. I am not sure if selfish is the right word but if you force him to choose nothing good can come from that so either you have to accept his son or ask him to move out. I assume £250 does not cover half the bills so he is getting cheap bed and board so I do wonder if he is taking advantage of having you provide a roof over his head without the hassle of having to work at a relationship. It is your house so you are perfectly entitled to tell him you are not happy and maybe it is better if he gets his own place.

ska_lover

OP when you met him nine years ago, you must have known he would want to spend time with his children.

You are either a couple or you aren't, at the minute you are not sharing anything other than a bed

Another point entirely, but your own children are adults, is it a good idea to keep a spare bedroom for them 'just in case'? Trust in their abilities as adults to stay afloat - like we all have to as adults.

Will your kids be middle aged before you let go and turn the spare room into something useful?

I think you need to move on from the past, realise your kids are grown, and build a future for yourself - with OR without this man. But nine years in is a bit strange to be having sudden realisations about his kids being such a huge part of the package

Forget all the white noise, your kids, his kids, his ex, money = what is it YOU want

FBaby

I assume £250 does not cover half the bills so he is getting cheap bed and board so I do wonder if he is taking advantage of having you provide a roof over his head without the hassle of having to work at a relationship. It is your house so you are perfectly entitled to tell him you are not happy and maybe it is better if he gets his own place

If he's lived there for 9 years or so, then it start becoming a bit dubious referring to their share accommodation as 'her house' even if legally it is the case.

I found your comment towards him paying less for the bills meaning he is taking advantage quite offending. How many couple live togethe with one paying less than the other, purely because one earns more, or the other has more outgoings (as seems to be the case here with OP's partner)? According to you, many men would need to get rid of their partner when they only work PT and can only contribute so much towards the joint bills, or is it is a case that's ok when it is women paying less but when it's a man, he is taking advantage?

peachyprice

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I don't think it's selfish to have a major pause for thought about this. This is not something to be entered into lightly.

You would be, in effect, parenting this child.
Expectations will be formed because you are the woman in this relationship and as such the greatest burden, the drudgery, will almost certainly fall on you.

That's a 24/7 job with a lot of responsibility and it will have a major impact on your home life and career (you'll now be a working mum with all that would entail).

Taking on a man with children living elsewhere is a whole different kettle of fish to inadvertently becoming a full time parent.
Your life will change and your relationship will change.

You have to want to embrace all this. And it's not wrong to feel this choice isn't for you.

It's a bit late to be having a 'major pause for thought' really, that should have been at the very beginning.

There was always a possibility that her OH's children might want to live with them, this child was only 3 at the time they got together, that's an awful lot of childhood years to expect things to stay exactly as they were at the time they met.

If this were a man posting there would be cries of 'he should have realised you come as a package', 'love me love my children' blah blah blah. Any man starting a relationship with a woman with children is expected to have a role in their lives and to take on the children if that is what the mother wants, this is no different.

Perhaps this child is being difficult because as he's hitting his teenage years he wants a proper relationship with his dad, but his dad's long term girlfriend has made it clear she doesn't want him around.

pollypenny

Sounds as if the ex has a good life, mortgage paid and CSA for kids, no need to work.

On the other hand, OP works full time. No wonder she's resentful.

Spendless

There's been plenty of threads and different opinions about how couples that live together should treat their money. Something I think worth mentioning is that should either of you lose their job, after a contribution based period is up, the benefits system will treat you as financially supporting the other. There won't be any 'but she pays the bills/he gives £250'. If you co-habit they will treat you as shared finances.

Please sort your finances out with each other and your partner and his ex as a first step.

Diary

Is your boyfriend court ordered to pay the mortgage or doing it out of sympathy for his ex?

I don't understand why he would leave straight away if you didn't have his eldest to live with you. Would they all eventually come to live in your house? Where would the boyfriend go if he left, presumably back to live in his house with the ex as he pays her mortgage? Seems a bit of an odd situation.